Realm

Suicide Awareness

As the night sky turns a share of starry blue to black with the golden stars glistening up there, I start to close my eyes - In thought, I'm thinking about past memories and all the laughs and celebrations we had together; that was back when we were all one big happy family. These days, I mourn the loss of many close friends as a result to suicide. I wasn't physically present due to other responsibilities in which I blame myself fully. Even through years of therapy, this still affects me, given how close we were. We used to have endless sleepovers followed by sneaking out late at night. I'm sure many of you can relate? It's those memories you badly want to savor and try to hold onto.

My best friend was Marie. She was charming to say the least and I was physically and intimately attracted to her. Yes, I'm bisexual and I own that. I started confessing my feelings towards her at the age of 10 years old. Let's just say our parents were not too keen on this. They restricted us from seeing each other, but we always found a way around that. When it comes to love, it's hard to get away from the other person. We always find our way back.

In case you're wondering, my name is Caroline and I'm in my late thirties trying to navigate life and my adult responsibilities with great difficulty. I'm on the verge of giving up but I also have a lot of hope to keep on pushing. I've been encouraged by a few close friends but the ones that are not here right now, it's those unspoken words that are the most important.

Through numerous diary entries to unsent letters that were never delivered - it's sad to say that my messages will never get delivered. I keep these mementos and diary entries for memories. Marie was a great friend and her anniversary is actually coming up. Her birthday is coming up too and I try to celebrate and pay her family a visit as that's the least I can do. I feel responsible as I said.

Marie was heavily depressed and when she tried to reach out for help, nobody came to save her. It's frustrating navigating for help but you feel unheard. It's like nobody wants to help us and so we isolate ourselves, blaming ourselves for everything and all the problems currently going on. Then the emotion gets too unbearable to even keep yourself alive and you decide to end things once and for all.

She was dealing with a break up and bullying at school. Marie was bullied all of her life from the age of 5 years old. When she tried to tell certain authority figures, nobody listened to her and eventually she gave up and cut off the world.

Often times, I see myself in Marie. I've been experiencing these really strong emotions of lust, despair, misery, betrayal, disloyalty, and hurt. All of these emotions put together are not the best - it's a mixture of utter chaos which will send anyone into a crisis state.

I have reached out for help and it's not easy to do so. It's true when they say that reaching out for help is a sign of strength. However, getting that help for ourselves is hard to do and not many of us have faith in the mental health system. There's so much I could say regarding that.

Please kindly check up on your friends and loved ones. You never know the battle someone else is facing. It could be too late if you decide to wait. Do not let your emotional state get in the way of checking in those you love. Some of us decide to shut out the world and avoid our problems - this world is very challenging to navigate. This world is not for me.

I just want to be with Marie.