Midnight River

lines

Soap's pov
Song inspo - safe place by RNAQ & Darkforestdrives

I'd been watching her sleep for a few hours now, not able to find rest myself. Life felt fragile, always. Sometimes I was good at hiding that I felt that way. I tried to be the voice of reason to my counterparts, the calm one who was fine with going with the flow. I tried to be a light in our ever darkening lives.

But it got harder each time one of the most important people in my life was threatened, or on the edge of life and death. Price, my captain, was the glue that held us all together. Without him, I wasn't sure where any of us would be. If he died surely Senna would be different, I wasn't even sure if Ghost would be able to keep her from breaking. Then again it was like that for all of us, we all meant so much to each other and we had already lost one teammate.

Losing another wasn't something we could bear. They tell you in the beginning that emotions should play no role in our work. I know that even Price must have preached it to Senna as a reason for her not to come with. It was hypocritical of him, considering he wanted nothing more to protect her. No one was safe if we were all protecting each other, all our hearts vulnerable.

But it was impossible to not bond with the people you spent most every waking hour with. The ones who had saved your life and you theirs. The ones who truly knew who you were and accepted you despite everything. Forgiveness was rarely something needed between those types of bonds. We understood each other like no one else could.

And now Gemma was entangled by us. By me. I knew I couldn't not have her in my life but every day I felt more guilt. As I looked upon her tired face, seen the toll that depending on her had taken. I was supposed to be the one she could depend on. I was supposed to be the one that made her life more safe. And yet she had already saved the lives of two of my teammates.

Would I or Ghost be next? And what would it do to her if she failed?

I didn't want to be responsible for bringing that pain onto her. Even now that we had both decided being together was worth it, maybe it was I that was the hypocrite. I'd preached to her over and over that pain was worth it for the good times spent. But what if my dangerous life didn't leave any time for anything else?

How could I be someone she depended on if I was always gone, always putting my life on the line? I think I understood her more now. I should have before, I knew what it was like losing people to a life like mine. But now that I'd witnessed her go through such things within the first few months of knowing me, I wished that I had never walked into my life.

It didn't change the way I felt about her, or the fact that I was in too deep now to do anything about it.

I wouldn't go back on my word, that wasn't me. But it didn't change the way I now saw myself; selfish.

The alarm went off on her phone then and it snapped me to attention. Was it already that early? Both she and Price needed time to rest and then we planned on heading home. It wasn't long enough, I wanted to see her in peace much longer.

"John?" She muttered quietly as she reached for her phone, turning over in the hospital bed for a moment to silence it. I tried to get her to stay at a nearby safe house that had been prepared but she insisted on staying close to Price, if he had needed her at all she wanted to be there quickly.

"I'm here." I told her as I moved to stand and walk over to be in front of her as she sat up.

"Did you sleep?"

"A bit." I lied.

"Hm." She hummed in acknowledgement, blinking rapidly a few times to waken herself up.