Midnight River

promises

Gemma's pov
Song inspo - only by RY X

He was pissed. I could feel the heat of John's stare behind me as we walked back to our quarters after the meeting with Senna and the rest of them.

It had all happened so fast. Learning that Graves was so close, coming up with the plan to take him down, getting involved. I hadn't exactly agreed to be a part of this but I wasn't going to say now. Everything that had happened had led to this, they needed me, and I wouldn't let them down.

Still, I was questioning if I could really do it. Even though my attacker had been exactly that when I took his life it had still made me feel sick. Could I pull the trigger when it came down to it? Could I cross that line again and again until there was no line?

Who was I becoming? I had told John this was what I wanted, to be more like them, more capable but it wasn't like I had been prepared to be thrown into the fire so quickly, if ever.

I was glad John walked a few feet behind me, happy that he couldn't see my current expression. I was feeling so many things at once. Pride that Senna trusted me enough to include me, fear that I wouldn't be able to do it, that I'd hesitate and fuck things up or get someone hurt. Fear that John would get hurt. Although right now I was mostly afraid of how he was going to react once we were alone. I'd seen how surprised and angry he'd been at Senna when she brought up having me help even though she promised I'd be out of harm's way.

I took my time, not wanting to argue with him but it wasn't like the walk back could go on forever and eventually I was faced with the door to John's room. He was closer now, right behind me and just slightly to the side, close enough that I could feel his quick breaths on the side of my neck.

We'd prepare later tonight, closer to when we'd be leaving but since it was still early, Senna had suggested getting some rest and that it was going to be one long night.

Finally I unfurled my fist at my side and opened the door, stepping in. I was expecting the door to slam behind him but I only heard the quiet quick of the lock when it slid closed.

I opened my mouth to speak as I finally spun around to face him, ready to defend myself, and Senna but his expression made my jaw close, teeth clicking as it did because of the expression on his face.

His brow was furrowed, lips pressed tightly together and his deep ocean blue eyes searched my face when it came into view. He didn't look angry, more of a mixture of emotions. Worry, confusion, admiration. He was usually so easy to read but now it looked like he was feeling so many things at once that not one emotion was at the forefront. It looked tiring.

"You don't want me to go." I said quietly, anxiety rising.

He didn't say anything back for a while and that only made me more uneasy. I wanted to know what he was thinking, and what I could do to convince him that everything was going to be okay. Maybe, in reality, I was the one that needed convincing.

"No…I don't." John said then, though his voice was soft, a bit of disappointment in his tone but I could tell it wasn't entirely directed at me, more so to himself.

"Why?" I asked, not arguing but wanting to know so I could change his mind.

"Because," He started as his gaze finally moved away from me. He looked past me, to the side and when his gaze returned it met my own. I wanted to know what he saw in my yin and yang eyes. "If you do this, that's it. I know you can do it, I know what you're capable of. I just, if you do this then… you're one of us."

"Do you want me to be?"

"Do you?" He asked quickly.

So this wasn't just about him, he was considering my feelings, and how this would change my life and myself. I shouldn't have been surprised.