A Fight to Remember

A Choice to Make Pt. 2

Meredith

"More?" I rasped.

"It's all right," she said. "This one... is kind of necessary."

When she took my hand, I fell hard and fast through the hospital floor to the basement. But... I recognized this area, though it wasn't what it used to be. It was older, the gray paint duller, the floor muted and less shiny. The air was stale and dry. I got shivers, just being here. "I remember this," I said, as I approached two large double doors.

Liz nodded, "Come on." She pushed the door open, and we walked into the morgue.

A morgue attendant entered through the side entrance. She checked a whiteboard on the wall and then reached for a clipboard. "Grey," she muttered before tapping the paper with her pen. Quickly, she located the drawer she needed and gently pulled it open. My mother. With graceful, precise movements, the worker pulled the sheet down just under the collarbone.

I swallowed, seeing her so still and cold gave me the creeps. Carefully she pulled Ellis's arms out from under the sheet, in case the family wanted to hold her hand. Gently, she combed out the mats in my mother's hair, and made it look neat. I didn't know they did that. Then she opened the main door.

A strange Déjà vu feeling took over.

There was younger me. Derek had wheeled me here and stood faithfully behind, "Do you want me to-"

"No, it's okay," she said, as he helped pull her up.

"Meredith, I can come with you-," he persisted.

"I need to do this by myself."

Sighing, he kissed her on the temple. "I'll be right outside."

It was strange, watching myself. I looked much tinier, and so frail. Wearing the same pink turtleneck from the day of the accident, she gingerly shuffled forward, no doubt still healing from the trauma of hypothermia and hundreds of chest compressions.

"This way," said the orderly, guiding her to the table where my mother's body lay.

I watched younger me gently stroke Ellis's hair. Sorrow tugged in my heart. I was re-feeling everything again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her mouth curving into a frown. "I'm sorry I wasn't there all the times you wanted me to be. I didn't think-," a tear threatened and she wiped the corner of her eye, "-it would be so soon."

A long deep sigh escaped her lips. I swallowed back my own reignited grief, and wrapped my arms tightly around my waist, as if to protect from the coming onslaught of pain.

"I guess you got what you wanted," she said. "You have peace now."

Then it hit, a wave of conflicted emotions, Sadness first, and then... frustration, that my mother would never get to know me.

And pain, relief and guilt rolled into a giant knot in my throat. She was gone, I wouldn't be a disappointment anymore. I could breathe. I could be my own person...

But still I desired to be better. To be extraordinary like she raised me. Younger me wiped tears from her eyes, "I will be extraordinary," she said. "I won't give up. I'm not alone like you. I'm going to love and be loved." She took Ellis's cold hand and squeezed. "Don't worry about me. I'll be all right."

Slowly, she bent down and pressed a kiss on our mother's cheek, "I... love you, mom. Rest in peace."

She sighed and looked up. Our eyes met, and this tremendous wave... this power flooded me, as all the possibilities of life opened like flowers blossoming in the sun. "Okay," she nodded to herself before shuffling out the door and into Derek's waiting arms.