All Good Things

Chapter 14 - Curves and Edges

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions of Body Dysmorphia!!

Poppy

She stood in the bathroom, her towel wrapped securely around her body as she looked in the mirror. Her wet hair stuck to her neck and she chewed her lip nervously, unsure if she wanted to actually force herself to look at her own body in her reflection. She wanted to let Tori see her, but just the idea of showing herself to the woman the day prior had made her chest tight and her lungs burn. Poppy hated that she felt this way about herself, that she was so self-conscious when at one point in time, she had been so confident in herself, not caring what anybody thought of how she looked.

Poppy took a deep breath, steeling herself against her own thoughts before removing the towel, forcing herself to gaze upon her own body for the first time in a long while. Immediately, her mind was flooded with all the negative things Eliza had had to say about her, her hands shifting to each part of her that was afflicted by these thoughts. Her fingers pinched at the backs of her thighs, her lower stomach, her hips, anywhere that she didn't deem perfect.

She felt tears begin to prickle at the edges of her vision, trying to fight back against the thoughts in her head. Eliza was no longer a part of her life, no longer had any direct influence on her. But the mental scars remained, even though it had been almost a year. She knew it was going to take a lot to fight through these thoughts. But one day with Tori had already proven that she wasn't like Eliza.

Eliza had never kissed Poppy as passionately as Tori did, had never touched her with the fervor and desire Tori did. Eliza had never held Poppy when she needed the support, electing instead to belittle her for her emotions. She had never shared in her excitement, demanding Poppy tamp it down and keep herself quiet, as if she were to be seen and not heard. Poppy found herself questioning why she had been so quick to excuse Eliza's behaviour instead of demanding to be treated with respect.

Eliza had been beautiful, without a doubt, truly the only good thing Poppy could summon the courage to think about her, but her expectations for Poppy had been unrealistic, expecting her to practically starve herself to fit the proportions she herself had. Bone thin, with little to no body fat, the muscles on her body practically nonexistent. But the difference between Poppy and Eliza was that Poppy was significantly smaller, and her body didn't hold weight the same way Eliza's did. She had attempted to lose weight to appease her, and all it had done was make her horribly sick.

Poppy hadn't begun to gain the weight back until she had left and gone back to her Gran's, something she had fought herself on for months trying to convince herself that she needed the weight to stay healthy. And yet, despite spending an entire year refusing to look at herself in a mirror, she still felt the anxiety bubble in her stomach. But if she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror, she would never be able to bring herself to allow Tori to see her, to touch her.

She knew she had been blind, desperate for a love she had craved, and yet had instead ignored the giant walking red flag that was Eliza Rosier, allowing the woman to tear her apart, shredding anything that made Poppy who she was. Eliza had never loved Poppy, she had wanted to control Poppy, using the word 'love' to force her to comply. Poppy never would have taken that from anyone else, so why did she let herself take it from Eliza?

She took another breath, forcing her gaze back onto her body. There is nothing wrong with you, Poppy. You're healthy, that's all that matters. She didn't believe the words that she forced herself to think. But maybe... if she continued to try to talk herself up, she would eventually believe them again. She knew she was of a healthy weight, that she wasn't morbidly underweight like she had been this time last year. She just needed to find herself again, and if she had to use her budding relationship with Tori as motivation to fight for it, then by Merlin she would.