37 Days

Day 2 - Elle

i was at the park. anyplace to get out of the house, at least.

i didn't like the sound of my parents. i didn't like the talking, the occasional yelling. i didn't like the sounds of clanging and clashing pots and pans. my mom was always cooking or cleaning and making noise. i hated noise.

noise, cluttering my mind, drowning out my thoughts. noise, triggering thoughts and anger and sadness and fear.

i would drown it out with music. the only noise i actually liked.

the dusty air, the rubble, the occasional litter. i liked it. i liked the signs that people were alive and awake. i liked the park. i liked to watch people. i liked to watch people happily doing what they wanted to do.

unlike me.

sometimes i would learn from them and make myself happy, but few things made me happy these days.

i glanced up at the sky, which was usually summer blue, but now it was grey. wisps of clouds here and there. dull, with a wisp of hope or happiness here and there that would soon fade away.

just like me

i sat down on a swing, clenching the metal chain. the rest of the swings were deserted. i was alone. solitude.

good.

a drop hit my head. i stared at the sky in disbelief. it couldn't be raining! not when i just came outside.

no. no. no. no!

panic started to rise, the inevitable wave of panic that always swept me under. swallowing hard, i forced myself to breathe.

it's okay. you love rain. rain is good, i thought to myself. i sucked in my breath. a few more drops splattered onto my leggings and oversized sweater.

i heard distant screams as parents started to pick up kids and take them home. i heard distant murmurs of voices. i heard distant laughter and the starting of car engines.

it was all distant compared to the effort pushing away the anxiety.

i kicked at the grass underneath me and started swinging, dragging my feet on the floor. the wind and rain in my face.

i'm free.

flying above it all.

flying away from all my problems.

i squinted my eyes and as drops splattered across my cheeks. i wiped them away.

somewhere in the distance i glimpsed a boy with eyes that looked like a galaxy. they were hazel, but had stars sparkling within them.

he must think i'm crazy.

a teenage girl on the swings all alone? my cheeks flushed, despite the cold raindrops that were hitting them. i dragged my feet against the ground and came to a stop.

i forced myself to look down and hunch my shoulders.

he's intruiging. the boy with the galaxy eyes.

no.

don't look up and draw attention to yourself.

i didn't want him to notice me and my messed up self.

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