37 Days

Day 3 - Elle

i woke up the next day to blinding sunlight in my eyes. cringing, i pulled the blankets over my head.

i didn't want to wake up. i wanted to sleep more and more and more. i wanted to sleep forever.

i headed downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. i took the tea up to my room, curled up in a ball with my fluffy blanket and cried.

i didn't know why i cried. but i cried because i had probably made a fool of myself in front of jay and he was the only person who knew what suffering was. i cried because i hated myself. i cried because i shouldn't even be sad.

shut up, elle, you have parents, you have siblings. the only person that's mean to you is yourself. snap out of it. stop being so freaking sad.

but the misery and depression kept coming, an endless dark corridor with no door out. the tea had spilled onto the bed, the cup knocking onto the floor. i rocked back and forth, tears spilling out, endless tears of pain.

stop it. stop it. you brat. stop it.

it wasn't that easy. i wish it was. screaming in my head didn't always work.

you can't be social, you can't talk to people. you're always miserable. you're a brat. god, what is wrong with you?

"hey, elle, i'm home," dad yelled up the stairs when he got home from night shift. i forced myself to stop crying and scrubbed the tears from my face.

be normal.

i didn't like dad. dad was belittling. he was insensitive. and he didn't know it, and he didn't realize or understand me.

and the fact that dad didn't know he was hurting me meant i couldn't get mad at him. i knew he loved me, and i loved him because we were family. but his words were stabs in my heart.

i raked a comb through my hair and headed downstairs to get yogurt and a towel for the tea.

"your hair looks like a lion! i love it!" said my dad. it was supposed to be a compliment, a joke, and it was in his eyes but to me it was another stab. i blinked back tears.

snatching the yogurt, a spoon, and a towel, i headed up the stairs.

"ah, you'll go ball yourself up in your room again," he said. "why do you always have to do that? so antisocial. i want to talk to you. be with you. why?"

i spun around, glaring as i clenched my teeth.

"elle! don't be rude. what did i tell you about manners?" he snapped.

i stormed upstairs, ignoring his scolding. it was a bad start to a bad day. as usual.

"oh, hey, elle," said lily, popping out of the bathroom. lily, my older sister. she had fluffy red hair, teal eyes, the perfect body. friendly. athletic. kind. smart. stylish. nice. fun.

unlike me.

everything i wasn't with my baggy sweaters and leggings and messy buns and oversized reading glasses.

"oh never mind, you're in a bad mood," she remarked. "hey, you okay?"

"yeah," i muttered, trying to push past her.

"you sure?"

"i'm fine." i forced the words out.

i wanted to tell her that i was broken. completely broken. all my pieces were strewn on the floor. but i wanted times with her to be normal, the times that would make me hold on. i didn't want a pity fest.

i continued to my room, shutting the door behind me. sitting down on the bed, i slammed my fist into my leg.

"i hate you, elle," i whispered.

because i really did. so much that it scared me.

i turned on my music and popped in my earbuds. trying to drown it all out. full volume. so loud through my ear phones that someone ten feet away could hear. i wasn't just drowning out the noise. i was trying to drown out my thoughts.

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