37 Days

Day 2 - Elle

i bit my lip. jay. it was a short and sweet name that rolled off my tongue. i liked it. "jay," i whispered to myself. i rolled it around my tongue, sipped it like a sweet drink, and decided i liked the taste.

the rain started to fall harder, now in sheets pouring downwards. my light wispy hair started to darken. my sweater was soaked through.

i forced my teeth not to chatter.

be calm. no. you are fine. don't panic.

i breathed in. out. rain was just rain.

"it's raining hard and it's going to get worse. there's a coffee shop nearby," i finally said, sounding abrupt.

i had been planning on going there anyways, and felt i had to say it to tell him goodbye sometime soon. but i didn't want him to go. he was different than all the people that i had met in my short life.

he suffers. like me.

we are sufferers.

i am not completely and utterly alone in my suffering.

"uh, ok," he said, looking hesitant.

i gave him a quick nod and hurried out of the park, turning down the street towards my favorite coffee store. i heard footsteps behind me and saw jay trailing after me.

"um," i started.

"i thought you wanted me to come. but i wasn't sure. it's okay if you don't want me." the words spilled out of his mouth, faster and faster.

"no, i-" i wanted to explain that i wanted him to come but didn't think he would have, but he cut me off.

"no it's okay. not many people want me around." he stopped, his galaxy eyes blinking in the rain.

"not many people want me around either. i hate talking if you haven't noticed." i said. we started walking again.

"it's okay," he said. behind us, there was a loud noise. jay cringed.

"i hate noises." i said violently. all noises except music. his voice reminded me of music. always changing, up and down.

"there are so many terrible sounds in this world. like words. some words pull you up and others knock you down." jay said bitterly.

"and most of the words that knock you down are words you say to yourself." i balled my fists and forced myself not to move my fists or pierce my skin with my nails.

calm. breathe.

"come on," i said. i exhaled. "it has good...coffee." we stopped in front of the door.

he looked hesitant, rocking back and forth on his toes, but then he opened the door. "ladies first," he said.

my mouth curved into a small smile, as i walked in. i didn't dry my feet, but continued walking as my boots left smears of dirt and water.

a sign that i, elle, had been there. a sign that i was.

i don't know what i was but i knew i was.