37 Days

Day 4 - Elle

i wanted to leave. my parents and lily were at my little brother's track tournaments as he was probably winning first place over and over again.

i didn't know where i was going. i was too busy thinking about how maybe it was all pointless. maybe i was pointless.

i didn't know where i was until i looked up and saw a galaxy.

jay.

somehow i had walked over towards the park. jay sat on the swings as i had the day before yesterday. i watched him scuff his foot against the ground, looking out towards the playground where the little kids were still laughing and screaming and talking just like always.

i stopped in my tracks, part of me wishing i had never left the house.

go talk to him! i told myself. be normal.

be like any other kid who would say hi.

somehow i actually did it. my legs forced me forward and i mumbled a greeting.

jay looked up, confused, and then recognition showed in his face. "oh, elle? hi." "what are you doing here?" i asked, staring down at my boots.

"nothing," he said. he indicated the swing next to him and i sat down, wrapping one of my arms around the chain.

i bit my lip as we sat in silence.

be a normal kid.

"so what school do you go to?" i said, taking a stab at conversation.

"a school out of state. i'm just visiting for the summer." he said.

"cool. yeah, i hadn't seen you around. but i don't know lots of people. no one really pays attention to me at school." i stammered. the words tripped over one another.

"welcome to the club. i feel excluded all the time." jay grinned, as if he was only kidding.

but he isn't. and neither am i.

"i feel excluded from happiness. it only intervenes every now and then." i said. don't scare him off.

"so, er, who are you visiting?"

"my perfect little family." his voice went flat.

i should've figured that out. "did you fly? i hate flying on airplanes. they kinda freak me out when you take off. and i hate sitting next to strangers."

don't talk too much. you're rambling.

panic started to swell up, panic for absolutely no reason. I forced it down.

not now. no.

i will not panic.

breathe, elle. you are fine.

"you're sitting next to a stranger right now," jay said, raising an eyebrow.

"i didn't think we were strangers. we kinda know each other," i said. "we're like, almost friends, right?"

"kinda," jay said. "if you count meeting a random person at a playground and then drinking coffee with them while waiting out a rainstorm making friends, then sure."

i laughed and breathed a little easier. and for a little bit, i could forget the pain and the suffering and everything else.

and then we talked. we talked like normal kids who had a whole summer ahead of them. a summer of laziness, boredom, and freedom.

i didn't normally talk.

but maybe i liked it.

a chance to share who you were. and who you wanted to be. and what you were. and just to talk about you. because sometimes you can share about yourself.