Are you nervous?

Chapter 12 || Self-harm

WARNING: In this chapter is mention self-harm, eating disorders, and abuse. If you are not comfortable with that, please don't read it. Thank you for reading that <3

Her pov:

 1 month later.

My alarm buzzed, and I got up. I was exhausted, yesterday I couldn't fall asleep all night and went to bed one hour before my alarm. But I didn't care and went to shower, maybe that will wake me up. I took off all my clothes and went in. I cried so much in the shower probably more tears when water fell. Exactly 4 weeks ago my mom left for another country, she never came back. She didn't die or anything, she just decided to work more, to get more money. I know she just trying to take care of me and this new house, but I feel lonely in this house, and I'm scared for her. What if something happens to her? That is not the only reason she decided to stay here for longer...

1 week ago I found mom Instagram photo with a guy... Before leaving our old home she promised me not to date anyone. I thought he was just a friend or they worked together, but I slid down the photo to another to see her kissing him... She practically lied to me. I never wanted her to date anyone else, because of what happened with Dad. It's dad fault I have these scars on my body, it's Dad's fault I can't wear any tight or revealing clothes, it's Dad's fault I sometimes cut myself thinking that it was my fault, that he hated me so much. Everything is his fault, he fucking ruined my life. So what if he's gone now? It doesn't change anything, scars will not disappear or memories he gave me. What about clothes, I will never be able to wear beautiful clothes as Cami and other girls do. All my life I was bullied because of how I dressed up. They always called me a boy or a depressed girl, which is not true. If I could I would wear skirts, tops, dresses, and shorts but I have to cover the scars. They are huge and noticeable, so everyone would pay attention to them. I used to cry every day, everywhere because of him.

I stopped finally cried and got out of the shower and covered my gross body with a white towel. I take off the plasters from my hands, they were soaked up in water.  I threw them out to the trash can and brushed my teeth. I went to my bedroom and dressed up in the basic outfit I wear every day. Hoodie and yoga leggings, if that's what they are called where the up is tight and the lower of the leg is wider. I'm not really into fashion because I know I could never wear it so I don't know what they are called. I put some peach lip balm, so my lips won't dry. Yesterday I got a new table it was light brown so cozy mini table. I decorated it with plants, my favorite books, and a computer. Also, I got finally a new wardrobe same wood light brown style, it is so cute and there is so much space. The next thing I need to order is the bed, rug, blankets, pillows, mirror and a tv. I can't fall asleep if I don't watch any cartoons or any movies on the tv. I don't have tv yet so I use my phone to watch it, maybe that's why my phone is always dead at school. I got my computer and did an essay I needed to do yesterday but I just forgot. When I get sad, nervous, or have a lot of stress I start picking my lips or cutting my fingers, or hands. Thank god most of them disappear, but some leave more scars. I told Cami about she tried to help me with this addiction, but I can't. Even tho she tried to help me, most of the time we don't hang out because she was with popular girls, her closest friends. I remember when she talked in video chats about them, how skinny or how beautiful they are, I started to stop eating, if I ate I always threw up after. My mom never found out. I still sometimes do it, when I feel guilty about the food I ate. Cami says I have a perfect hourglass body, but I never care. But that was not the only reason I stopped eating, when I was in 6th grade, my classmates would make fun of me because of how fast I am, so I started working out at home silently, eating less until it turned into not eating at all. After all, I got to that goal where I wanted, but my eating system got worse. I could go all day without eating anything, I never had an appetite to eat.

I remember how I couldn't live without eating something in school, I would immediately feel sick, but now everything just disappeared. One time I hadn't eaten in 3 days, plus I was super sick, I passed out, and my mom thought it was because I'm sick. I knew it was because of eating. I worried for myself so I started to force myself to eat. At first, I threw up after eating, I just couldn't handle it, I started to feel sick of food, and after a few months, I again got used to eating. I never ate like I did before. But now sometimes I feel hungry, which is a good thing. No, I wasn't diagnosed with anorexia or other eating disorders. I was fine. But those memories left scars that can never be fixed.

                                                                             ________________

I lay on the floor for the past 2 hours, tears falling on each side, thinking about nothing. I got a notification on Instagram, it was Mom's story update. I opened it and saw her and her new boyfriend hugging each other after he gave her flowers. From the background, I could tell she was in the hospital. He didn't do anything wrong to me, but I just hate him for dating my mom. I threw my phone, I swear it almost broke it. I started crying even more. Finally, I decided to take a razor and cut a few lines, it will distract me from thinking about them. My attention will be on pain not them. I started to cut a few lines until I stopped thinking about them. My next minute was worse than cutting myself. 

I spotted James staring at me through the window, almost crying and trying to understand what was happening. The last time I saw that face was my mom's when she saw me in my bathtub crying all blood covered after Dad had beaten me up. I threw a razor behind the bed and covered my arm with a hoodie. He still didn't move looking at my face, shocked. He finally came back to reality and opened the window from outside, how was that even possible? I stopped crying, I got scared he will bully me or something, but I wasn't expecting what he did to me. He ran to me and hugged me tight as he could. I could barely breathe.

,, Why the fuck you would do that for yourself, Scarlet?!'' he yelled almost breaking down. He placed his one hand on my head and broke down. He started crying on my shoulder. It was the first time I saw or hear him crying.

,, You have to stop doing that! You can't hurt yourself like that! Don't you know how people feel after finding out you fucking cut yourself?! Stop Scarlet! Just stop!'' He yelled crying on my shoulder. He could barely talk but hadn't stopped hugging me, why am I standing here not knowing what was happening now, why he's hugging me, why does he care, why should he cry for me?

,, Please stop doing that to yourself" he said.

Hey, peaches!! So how is this chapter? I know I know Depressed Scarlet came from nowhere, but if you didn't understand it's because of that mom's boyfriend. In this chapter I used self-harm, which I do it myself sometimes, in this chapter I told why I do this, so please don't judge or think I'm weird, I'm 2 months clean now, yay... Anyways I hope you liked this depressing chapter!! Also,, The forest girl'' new chapter is out now too! If you liked the first chapter you can read chapter 2 now. I hope you have a wonderful day/night, bye!

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