Things Are Not What They Seem

Part 18: Struggling

Months past...

He got worse and worse at maintaining his illness, and I know he was struggling so much, it hurt me to see him go through this.

He had weird quirks, like how the if he didn't face a certain direction he'd scream and shout at nobody, and also he would say a name over and over again, claiming that the person was still here...

Bianca, Bianca, Bianca...she apparently was his sister and died.

He started to get mad at me more, when I argued and told him kindly that she died years ago, and he screamed and cried...

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING WILL SHE'S HERE WITH ME ALWAYS, AND SHE ALWAYS WILL BE"
"Nico...she's dead. I can't put it any other way, I'm so sorry."

He hit me softly at first, small punches, but his anger got worse and worse.

He hit.

Hard.

And it hurt more on the inside to see him going mad, than it did to be punched on a daily basis.

He talked to himself, giggling, and laughing at thin air, murmuring about a beanie, and her olive skin.

He seemed happy though, but was always so unhappy around anyone else.

It made me question our relationship...

I remember the day I asked him about us, I remember crying harder than ever, I remember the sobs and the wet pillow, the sunken eyes...

The dead skin, the pills I swallowed, just a few too much....they flushed me out. It wasn't a suicide attempt, I just wanted to be gone for a bit.

My depression came back and his symptoms got worse...

Now this is present.

I woke up from a terrible sleep, and Nico was out in the grass, the whole night, laughing, smiling, looking at the stars cuddling against air. It made me happy to see him happy for once, and I walked out to see if he was still awake.

He was still out there, laying in the field, he was laying on his stomach though, his face planted into the weeds.

It was quite cute, and I turned him over and there was a bit of grass stuck to his cheek, and he smiled in his sleep as I brushed it off.

He woke up after that, yawning, and stretching his sore muscles.

"Hey Will. I was up late....the stars were pretty. Bianca kept me company. She's so sweet. I've missed her."

Good thing he's calm. That's definitely a plus. He's been terribly aggressively lately, so this is a good start.

"That's good Sunshine."
"I'm so glad that she's here with me..."

I smiled at him, and pulled him up.

"You wanna eat some breakfast?"
"Sure. Let's haaaaaave....maybe some bacon and eggs?"

Whoa. This is weird...he's acting so calm...this like him before his illness.

"Hey Nico...are you okay?"
"Yeah...why? Well I know my symptoms are better...I'm sorry about these past few nights."
"It's okay."
"You know it's fucking not. I'm going insane and you are lying to me I know it. It's the opposite of okay."
"You know me so well..."

I slipped my hand into his, and he squeezed it hard. I flinched, and he apologized, and we kept walking. The whole camp had stopped talking to us, you'd think we were animals...

We got our bacon and eggs, and sat at a bench. Nico was turned slightly to the left. We sat in silence, eating our food.

He finished quickly, and threw away his trash. He got out his phone.

"You wanna listen to something that I've listened to on repeat so many times recently? I love this song."
"Sure."

He got it set up, and started to play it, humming along.

I went away to see an old friend of mine
His sister came over she was out of her mind

He looked sad, a sorrow that I could relate to so so well it hurt to see him like that...

She said Jesus had a twin who knew nothing about sin
She was laughing like crazy at the trouble I'm in

He was tapping his feet, and he had closed his eyes.

Her light eyes were dancing she is insane
Her brother says she's just a bitch with a golden chain

He started to sing, looking into the distance, I felt his unhappiness, thick like molasses in the air.

She keeps coming closer saying "I can feel it in my bones
Schizophrenia is taking me home"

His voice was sweet, a beautiful noise. I didn't know he could get anymore perfect.

My Future is static
It's already had it
I could tuck you in
And we could talk about it
I had a dream
And it split the scene
But I got a hunch
It's coming back to me

He exhaled, as if he was holding his breath, and the ending was a relief to him.

"...wow. That was a very beautiful and powerful song. Thank you for sharing it with me."

I patted his hand. He suddenly grabbed it, and held it to his heart.

He started to sob, the kind of sobbing that hurt to watch, the kind that leaves you a mess, like a storm just passed through and the wounds from it would never heal completely.

He sobbed, and I held him close to me.

It made me want to cry, I was the weak one you idiot! Don't cry...(craft)

I let him cry as much as needed, which was a lot apparently.

He sat up suddenly and gripped my shoulder tightly, his arms shaking and tears still spilling out of his eyes.

"Can you save my heavy dirty soul?"

(Twenty one pilots quote in the end, and song credits to Sonic Youth I used their song called Schizophrenia.)