Things Are Not What They Seem

Part 23: Will I Ever Love Again?

(Ahem, apologies you guys...the last chapter is nearing. I hope you've enjoyed this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it! Love you guys :3)

It's been weeks since Nico killed himself.

My depression has caught me in its grip again, and I don't think I can escape...ever.

It's like I'm trapped in a prison, and the guards are always shouting at me, calling me worthless, dumb, stupid, untalented, ugly, etc.

I can't escape, they contain me.

The prison is in my mind, how could I escape that?

I've gotten really skinny, and cut off most of my connections with friends or siblings. I live in Nico's cabin, I feel in my bed, the one he gave to me.

We were gonna grow up together.

Get married, have a big family.

Grow old and die happy.

We were gonna go on dates, and fall deeper in love with each other.

Our happiness would be everything.

But of course it wouldn't be perfect, as nothing is.

Nico would still have schizophrenia, and I would still have my depression.

But it would be okay, because we'd save each other, no matter what.

But I failed.

I let him die.

It was my fault.

So I've barely eaten, barely showered, barely left the cabin he died in.

I just haven't felt worth it.

But I can't bring myself to commit suicide.

I thought for a bit before doing this...

I was going out!

I took a quick shower, and put on a hoodie and some jeans, and walked out.

I went over to the Ares cabin where Hazel had been staying because she couldn't bring herself to go back to his cabin.

I knocked on the door, and it creaked open slowly, and then Hazel tackled me in a big bear hug.

"Will. It has been two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I cannot believe you. I was waiting for you, I at least expected you to text me or SOMETHING, ANYTHING!"
"I know, I know, I'm sorry, it's just..."
"I'm glad you're back."

She squeezed me harder then let go.

"Come on in, let me get you something to drink."
"Thank you Hazel."

The cabin looked very neat other than a few stray weapons here and there which made my thoughts go to horrible places.

I tried to clear my mind, but I just couldn't, so I just tried to focus on Hazel instead.

She was getting two cokes from the fridge, and making causal conversation with me about her relationship with Frank.

"--he's just so dorky! It's the cutest thing, here."

She handed me a coke, and sat on her bed, and gestured for me to sit beside her.

"Anyways, you wanna talk about Nico?"

I grasped the coke, and watched the beads of water drip down the sides.

I finally spoke up.

"Uhh, sure. What do you want me to say?"
"Oh I don't know, anything. Maybe something I don't know."
"Like some of my favorite things about him, that only lovers would know?"
"Tell me all about him, from your perspective. I'm just his sister, you're his BOYFRIEND."
"It's not that big of a title, but anyways...."

I went on and on about everything he gave to me...

I eventually couldn't go on.

I needed to vent through something, because how the hell would I state that I'm lost without him--and its my fault?

I got out my phone, and smiled at Hazel.

"Um, Will? Are you gonna continue or...what?"
"Just listen. This is my way of stating everything."

I pressed play, and it began.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

Ouch!
I have lost myself again
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

The song finished up, and I hadn't looked Hazel in the eye since it began.

It was so hard, because I knew I would start crying. I couldn't waste anymore tears, I couldn't do it anymore.

Could you blame me?

But still I looked up at her, and braced myself for the tears and...

They were not from my eyes.

She was crying, I couldn't do that.

I didn't know what to do, so I just hugged her, put her head close to my heartbeat, and told her she would be okay.

Because what else can you do right?

We hung out and watched a movie with some popcorn and more coke, and then I left her because Frank had come back from Archery practice.

It was about 8pm, so I just kinda went to bed after taking a piss.

I wasn't gonna brush my teeth.

Not gonna take care of the littered items of food and drinks all around my cabin.

I fell asleep easily, despite the fact that you would think it would be difficult. I'm just...done. You know?

Sleep...I welcome it.

It's like I'm dead, without actually dying.

Morning comes, and I'm punched in the face with a wave of sadness.

(This chapter could've been better. It was mostly blabbing, ugh. The song was called Breathe Me by: Sia. The reason why I choose to put this one in was because my friend showed me it today. I hope you guys are having a nice summer!)