Forsake My Broken Hart

Chapter 12

I lay by myself in the back of the van as Chogan drove. I had asked for a little alone time, as much as I could get, while we drove the last few miles to our destination. The rocking of the van would have been soothing if Sam's note wasn't antagonizing me from where it sat on a pillow in front of me.

I was on my stomach, head propped up on my fist as I just looked at the still folded up piece of paper. I sighed. I couldn't keep putting it off. I had used the excuse of a group meeting and needing to watch Doc so I didn't have to read it immediately, but I knew I needed my entire focus to be on scaling the mountain. This letter was distracting me.

My fingers traced the letters across the smooth surface. I had rubbed at the paper so much it had a soft feel to it. Sighing, I unfolded on piece then stopped, my heart hammering in my chest. The next piece had bile rising to my throat.

What if she blamed me? What if this was a last minute confession on how much she hated me after what happened to Angel?

I pushed those thoughts aside. There was no use in assuming what she thought when I had a letter in front of me that was sure to tell me. I closed my eyes and unfolded the paper the rest of the way. Very slowly I opened my eyes, holding my breath as I went. My breath rushed out as I saw the page full of writing. I quickly scanned the contents then went back for a slower reading as tears threatened to spill over.

Hart,

If you have this and are reading it, then I'm probably dead. Since Angel's death, I've been contemplating different ways to orchestrate my own.

She was my soul mate. There was nothing left for me in this world without her in it. After the outbreak, she was the only reason my heart kept beating. Why I kept fighting for our survival.

I just can't do this anymore. I can't continue to live knowing I will never be able to look upon her smile, a smile that lit the world around her.

I know you'll blame my death on yourself just like you took the guilt of Angel's death personally as well. Don't. This is my choice. Don't take that from me.

Anyways, I feel I should explain some things to you I was never able to admit in person. First, I did hate you for a period of time. Fact was, I was jealous of you.

I saw the way Angel looked at you. Like you were her sun to revolve around. I didn't understand it. Hated it. Hated her fascination with you. She admired you. Talked about you a lot.

I really thought she had feelings for you. Later on, I found out she did, just not in the way I thought. She looked to you like a big sister. She worshipped you like a younger sibling would to their older one. Apparently you had fought off plenty of groping men in her honor while you worked together. Stood up for her against women who were jealous their husbands' eyes lingered too long.

This next part is hard for me to write. I planned on taking this information to my grave, but I'm not here to reap the repercussions. Just know, I am extremely sorry.

It was Rowan who had changed seating arrangements when we left the bar. I asked Angel to swap with me, but lied to you about it. I figured there was some way I could get you away from the rest of us. When it actually happened, I was shocked.

I yelled at those biters, hoping to draw attention to us. When you froze, I jumped out of the vehicle and into the back of Rowan's right before they left. I was using my own weapon, pretending I was trying to catch the biters attention so you could escape. I told Rowan you were coming and to drive.

It was my fault they left you. You'll probably never forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me. I was glad you lost your memories, so scared that you would connect the dots and tell everyone what happened. Even when you're memories came back, I was frozen with terror, but that day seemed the furthest from your mind, so I slowly started to relax.