Watching Over Our Nation

Chapter 4: The time for discoveries

James' POV:

Times are getting darker and darker with the day. More and more people disappear or get murdered brutally. I thought losing Regulus was bad, but my parents' deaths has left me more heartbroken than I'm telling people.

Problem is that I can't: Sirius has been hit hard with the loss too and he needs his best friend, more than ever. I am that best friend and I know it.

So yesterday at the funeral, I was of course a huge mess emotionally. Everyone was there: Sirius, Lily, Peter, Remus, Marlene, Dorcas, Minnie, Dumbledore and the rest of the Order, even Mary! I spoke to her for a long time, because I hadn't seen in a long time, since she didn't join the Order with the rest of us.

"Jamie, please let me know if you need me," she'd said, her hand on my shoulder. "Promise me that. I know we're not exactly talking a lot now, but... I'm worried about you. You're still one of my best friends."

I haven't taken her up on it, but I do keep it in mind: if I could bother anyone with it, then it better be Mary. She's less attached to my parents and was one of my best friends.

But no. I can't do that, I know I can't.

Moony also came to me to tell me he's there for me. He's such a good friend to me.

Moony is the only one of my friends I'll ever be honest to about how I'm really doing. He'll find out anyway, and somehow, he seems like he not only cam deals with it, but bears it with me.

It's a strange thing, being the rock for Sirius, while his boyfriend is my rock. And now, so is Lily of course, in more ways than I could've ever foreseen.

"How are you holding up, Prongs?" I turn to Moony, who's just come in, followed by Lily. I shrug, managing a sort of smile, but I'm sure it's not a good one. "Sirius-"

"I'm not asking about Sirius, Prongs," Remus interrupts, sitting opposite me. "I know it's hard on him, I live with him. But I wanna know how you're doing." Lily looks like she wants to sit down next to me, but she doesn't. Instead, she exchanges a look with Remus and leaves the two of us alone.

"I mean, it could always be worse, right?" I try the joke, but it doesn't really work, as Moony's face doesn't change a bit. "Prongs, I am so sorry I wasn't here when you found them. I really am."

I wave a dismissive hand at his apology, leaning forward more. "It's no problem Moony. You had a mission. We understand that." Though I'm still not sure if Sirius really does.

"No. I'm sorry because you needed me. I know you did, and still do. We've known each other for ten years, Prongs! I know you've only ever really opened up to me. I don't know why exactly, since I don't know what kind of comfort I can give, but I do. I'm sorry I wasn't here to let you open up. I'm here now, if you want to, or ever really."

I sniff and it's only now that I realise there are tears in my eyes, about to burst out. Remus notices too and comes to sit next to me on the couch.

"W-what if they don't know I loved them?" It's barely a whisper, but Moony hears it. Of course he does. "I can't have told them enough. But I always just toughened up, especially since we adopted Sirius, because he needed that."

"I know," Moony hugs me and I lean into it and for the first time since they died, I really cry. "They knew, of course they did. James, I've never seen someone love their parents as openly as you always have. They know that. And they always will."

"But I didn't even cry at their funeral yesterday! Shouldn't I have in their eyes? How could I not show them I miss them?"

"They're your parents, they know you James. You were holding it all in for Sirius. We all saw that, I'm pretty sure your parents would have. That's something you just do. And you did it yesterday as well."