Amour

Chapter 36. Bloody Hands

A/N: Thanks for reading and the votes, much love to you all! 

Continuation of Flashback~ Warning: Blood/violence, human trafficking

They say the first time you kill will hurt you like a bitch. You'll cry, feel guilt, and who knows what else, but after some time, you'll become numb. They also say that if you kill people it makes you a bad person, but killing an enemy makes you a hero.

I never believed that... at least not until I felt blood that wasn't mine stain my hands.

It was a chilly day in autumn, I was on a mission to infiltrate a mafia syndicate who were transporting illegal goods and settling a deal on human trafficking with a foreign country. I spent six months posing as one of their team members just until I was able to pinpoint the exact date and time of the illegal exchange. 

But plans never do go accordingly. I ended up getting caught in the crossfire as I went back to save three very underage girls. One of my 'teammates' decided to pick a fight with me and...

It was either his life or mine. I had no choice but to end his quickly, since I knew very well that if I died, these girls would suffer. 

I didn't feel anything in the moment his body fell to the ground; blood pooling around him, spilling from the bullet wound on his head. It wasn't until one of the girls took my hand and told me thank you for saving me.

I remember after finishing such a task in a successful manner, I began to drink. I scrubbed my hands so hard that night but I could still see blood on them. Keigo at the time, spoke to me and snapped me out of it.

He helped me feel less guilty and told me, "Sometimes, we have to dirty our hands in order to save others. I like to think that it's better not to overthink and just focus on the lives you saved. Otherwise... you'll break."

And that's what I did. The more the months passed by, the easier it got to dealing with said guilt. I would take down three or four criminals at a time. I stained my hands for the sake of others and I didn't think much of it anymore.

That was until I met Dabi that my thoughts began to change. 

I knew from the start that Dabi wasn't a saint. Yet, something about him drew me to him. Perhaps deep down I really did see Touya in him, like Natsuo had told me. 

I didn't question him, when we met the first time; he was injured in the back alley of Yuki's bar. I'm understanding why it didn't matter to me; it's because my own hands were covered in blood. Blood that was difficult to wash out.

And from there on, when I got the job offer to work in UA, I understood why I felt so hesitant to do it. It was because I was accustomed to kill at least one person per mission; not take care of kids in a non-violent way.

Those UA kids were something I wasn't; true heroes who prioritize saving in order to win, not killing in order to win, like me.

My anger grew from realizing that. The upsetting emotions I felt towards Endeavor all those years burst open which evidently drove me to the HC's hands. Whether I like to admit it or not, I lost myself within the work I did for them. I wanted to be away from the Todoroki household, away from Endeavor, away from everything that reminded me of Touya and how broken our family was. 

Working for the HC, I forgot the reason why I wanted to save people in the first place. Why I even wanted to be a hero...

End of Flashback~

Shigaraki's crimson eyes widened as I told him about my first kill. "You mean to say... you've killed someone before?"

I nodded bitterly, "Not just someone, I killed a whole gang before once just to save a group of girls getting sold to the slave trade. Do I regret it? No. Would I have done it differently if I went back in time? Yeah." I answered solemnly.