Hercules and the Modern Girl

Episode 7: King of Thessaly

Episode 7: King of Thessaly - Part 1

"Long ago in the ages of heroes..." Bob narrated, "There was a civilization of beauty, art, and scholarly fulfillment." A map of Europe appeared before the reader's eyes, zooming closer to a specific country. Despite the apparent fact of where this story took place, Bob couldn't help but refresh the audience's memories.

"She is called Greece - the pinnacle of human achievement." A red-roof hut popped up in Athen's territory, tearing through the paper. Even though that's where the main characters live, it won't be featured in this episode. Instead, the setting centered north of Athens and Epirus - the answer was shining boldly on the title.

"Except for the land of Thessaly," Bob elaborated. A goat tore through the city map, bleating while chewing on the torn paper.

The scene switched to a kingdom in Thessaly, specifically the throne room where a servant served a feast fit for a royal court, only it was made for one ruler alone.

"For the king who ruled there was a greedy, two-faced, triple-chinned, four-flushing tyrant named Salmoneus."

The king drew a bone from his mouth and belched loudly after devouring the meat. Anybody would be full from eating an entire turkey, but not Salmoneaus. He moved onto a fruit bowl within his reach. Instead of eating each fruit at a time, he dumped the entire bowl in his mouth, eating it all at once.

"King Salmoneus," his loyal advisor addressed his highness, not paying mind to his king's ghastly habits, "as your advisor, may I offer some advice?"

Salmoneus spat out the apples that reached their core, grinning in approval, "Oh do, Stephanopoulos!" Whether the king was oblivious to it or didn't care, two discarded apples rested on his advisor's head, three more caught between his lips, and somehow, two more got lodged in each ear. Many would laugh at that if there were people in the room.

"Give it up, sir," the advisor shook off the apples, taking the scroll he held underneath his armpit. "You have run Thessaly into the ground." He opened it to read the numbers while casually dodging fish bones and fruit seeds. "To wit, per capita income has dipped to zero. All crop production is currently holding a steady zero." A mixture of saliva and white grape juice splattered on the back of the scroll - Stephanopoulos's temporary face shield.

"And lastly, your approval rating..." The advisor didn't have to attempt to read the smeared writing nor fill in the holes from the shooting grapeseeds that tore through the page. The number was no guess. The real reason why there was no one around to laugh at the early comedic display or dodge the grapeseeds.

"Zero," the advisor finished in boredom, tossing out the useless scroll and face shield.

"Stephanopoulos," The king addressed his servant by his mouthful name while stuffing his own mouth with key-lime pie, "as always, you underestimate your master. I got a plan." Despite Bob's description of Salmoneus's greed, the king spared a slice for his advisor, more like forcing it into his mouth with his greasy, whip-cream-covered hands. As always, the advisor had no say in the matter, silently accepting the bitter lime taste while enduring the smell of roast pig and red wine.

"A plan I call... divine intervention," Salmoneus let out an evil laugh.

~000~000~000~

Things were looking up since Hades hired Minthe full-time. Nobody had to worry about skipping the most important meal of the day, for a buffet was served in the employee breakroom at 8:00 AM and dinner at 6:00 PM every day. Zoul the Cyclops' birthday was this week. The nymph made sure no one forgot by baking a cake and blowing out balloons to celebrate by the pool of Forgetfulness. Everyone, even Hades, attended the party. However, Minthe forgot that the party hat didn't go with Hades's flames, and some (even the birthday boy) believed it was a pool party and dove into the Lethe water, resulting in losing their memories and Underworld employment cards. It was a disaster, but the coconut cake was delicious.