Dear Renisha: Turning Trauma Into Triumph

CONNECTED BY THE HEART, NEAR & APART

Dear Renisha,

Aunt Sherod sent both my sister, Beverly, and I to troubled teen girls' homes. Beverly was the first one to be sent off to the program. She had started running away from home- sneaking out at night, using drugs and hanging out with gang members.
Mary sent Beverly to live with our Aunt Sherod prior to her being sent away to a faith-based program for troubled girls that was referred to her by Terry King, a member of her church Bible Baptist Church in St. Augustine, Florida.
I was also sent to live with Aunt Sherod. I can't remember how long I lived with her before she sent me away--it was maybe only a few months. While there, I attended a Private Christian ACE School that was affiliated with Bible Baptist Church. I struggled with completing my school work because there were NO real Teachers. Prior to living with Aunt Sherod, when I attended public school, I was in the "slow math class" because I struggled so much with math. I still don't know all my times tables by heart and I'm damn near 36 years old.
I remember Sherod coming to the school after she got off from work with a paddle. If at least five pages in each subject book was not completed she would spank me right then and there in front of the whole class. It was humiliating and embarrassing.
I remember there were times that I would be so hungry in school because she didn't give us lunch money and we didn't have any food at home to pack. Sometimes, it was only bread and water. I remember there were times when we didn't eat at all. Sometimes my cousin, Joe, would bring home leftover chicken from his job at Boston Market just so we could eat.
I remember one time I couldn't concentrate in school because my stomach was growling so bad. I went to visit Joe and cousin, Caroline, who were in high school in the next room over and asked them if they had any lunch money and they said that they didn't have any food either so I need to just suck it up. Again, I was 11 years old.
Both Joe & Caroline would often tell me I needed to suck it up. That they didn't want me to tell any teachers I didn't have any food because it was embarrassing and they didn't want to embarrass their mother.
I remember moving at least three times while living with Aunt Sherod because she could never afford to pay her rent on time. There was hardly any food in the house and she didn't know how to budget her money as a single mom raising three children...well, two of her own and me.
I remember there were times when she would let me watch movies with her as I brushed her long blonde hair. She had a bad case of dandruff and I would actually pick out her dandruff out of her scalp and apply apple cider vinegar to soothe her scalp. It was kind of gross. I tried to tell her about the abuse with Mary but all she did was gaslight me. She would say stuff like, "What are you talking about? Mary never abused you guys. You guys are just misbehaving children. You're ungrateful. Mary never hit you. She never abused you." She would straight up deny that Mary abused us and said that we should be grateful.
I started getting blamed for things that I didn't do. Like one time, Aunt Sherod lost her keys and I said, "Why don't you think about the last place you had them?" From where I was standing, I was able to see that they were on top of the fridge and so I mentioned hey your keys are on top of the fridge and I got blamed for putting the keys on the fridge. I also got blamed for a lot of things that I didn't do because I was the youngest.
Joe and Caroline were teens at this point and I always wanted to hang out at the beach and surf with them. Sometimes, I was permitted to go but oftentimes they found me a nuisance. Like, I remember my cousin Joe holding me down and screaming in my ears because I kicked his mom in the stomach as she was trying to beat me for defending a kid who was being bullied at school after I body slammed another boy being mean to a kid with disabilities.
Apparently my behavior was not lady-like. Girls do not bodyslam boys.
I remember Aunt Sherod borrowing money from me that my adoptive dad had given me to purchase toys when I went home from a weekend visit because she didn't have gas money. I don't ever remember her paying me back for that.
In my free time I spent most of my time reading books. I loved to read.
It was my favorite way to escape my reality. I enjoyed reading Judy Blume books, Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitter Club, Sweet Valley Twins & Friends and Girl Talk .. I enjoyed playing with dolls, watching Saturday morning cartoons, reading comics and writing stories and drawing pictures.
I had an American Girl doll. Her name was Samantha. I had read all of the American Girl Collection books. I was given this doll by the Jacksonville Jaguars Football Team in 1997. They delivered us donated Christmas gifts one year due to Mary's many illnesses. A few members from the Jacksonville Jaguars showed up in a fancy sports car to deliver our gifts. Beverly and I were allowed to take a picture in front of the sports car.
I wasn't allowed to do much but I loved it when I was allowed to go to the beach. Joe used to surf all the time and I loved it when I was allowed to go to the beach with him. I remember Aunt Sherod would get so upset because he would lose his contacts all the time surfing but I always manage to get into trouble or I kind of felt like they just didn't want me around them. I was just an annoying kid that got in their way. They didn't want spend the time on me. I just wanted attention-good positive attention-that's what I needed. But Aunt Sherod believed that children were to be seen and not heard.
I have a scar on my left lower calf where I got stung by something at the beach, one time and that scared Aunt Sherod. After that, I didn't go to the beach much without her there. I couldn't go far out and to the beach with the big kids on the surfboard . But I was grateful for the days that I did get to go to the beach. My other cousin, Steven used to teach me tricks on a skimboard that was really fun learning how to do that. They used to take the boogie boards and drag me across the sand. I have very few happy memories but I always love being in the water at the beach. It's my happy place. We enjoyed hanging out with our cousins but we were very misunderstood and definitely felt out of place sometimes.
When I was in trouble, I had to write chapters at a time from the Book of Proverbs from the King James Bible.
Later on in my life, I would discover that I had several Reactive Attachment Disorders due to the trauma and abuse I endured as a young child. The abuse made it hard for me to trust others who were in a position of caring for my well-being. I wasn't a bad kid, I was a hyperactive kid who lacked attention, nurturing care and unconditional love.
I needed someone who actually gave a fucking shit.
I will say this, I don't believe Aunt Sherod was a completely horrible, fucking person by any means. I think that she started out uneducated about these programs and because of her religious affiliation in the beginning, maybe she thought these places would help us.
But, from the moment she picked Beverly up from North Carolina in September of 1999 she was WELL AWARE ABOUT THE CHILD ABUSE IN THESE PLACES. To this day it baffles me that she still sent me away the 2nd time to Bethel in 2000 knowing about the abuse present. That's PRETTY FUCKED UP!
My sister, Beverly, went to the home in Texas run by Dave Walkden while I was sent to a girls home in Milton, Florida, also run by Dave. They kept us separated. We spoke one time when we met up at a rest stop. I saw her getting off of her bus and I cried. They let us hug and say our "I love yous." Beverly whispered in my ear, "Do what they say, Sabrina, and you'll be okay. Just do what they say. I love you." We were then told we were not allowed to speak to or about each other nor make eye contact.
The home Beverly was sent to had "dorm parents" as they were called there, who assisted Dave with the torturous punishments probably cause Dave was old as shit. I'll talk more about Dave later but he used to play with the girls' hair. He was so creepy and gross. He always smelled like peanut butter. And never brushed his teeth. I don't know why he hired William (Bill) and Jennifer (Jen) MacNamara but I do know they were cruel, sadistic, hypocritical Christians who were corrupt, imitating righteousness while they brainwashed and abused the same girls they said they were saving by leading us on a path to Jesus Christ! We'll touch base later on about the MacNamaras, remember their names because I'll talk more about how I know they were so evil later on...
Beverly was 15 years old when she was sent away to the Troubled Teen Industry. She was sent to Charity Haven; she was there for 1 year. While she was at CH she ran away. She was gone for two days until the police caught her. She was then transferred to Victory Acres in Alice, Texas- the sister home of Charity Haven. This was around the time I arrived at Charity Haven. On the way from Florida to Texas, Dave Walken, stopped in Lucedale, Mississippi, to have Drill Instructor Knott at Bethel scare Beverly. Which was a complete waste of time because Beverly's built FORD TOUGH. Knott told Dave that if Beverly gave him any trouble to send her to him and that he would straighten her out.
While at Victory Acres, the MacNamaras took the girls an hour away to visit the Rebekah Home for Girls in Corpus Christi. Beverly and another girl, named Dawn, attempted to run away. Sliding under the barb wire fences, running through cow pastures they almost got away until Dawn fell into a cactus. One of the Lighthouse Boys, Aubrey Kincaid, caught Beverly picking her up and tossing her over his shoulders, and Brother Wiley Cameron pulled up in his Cadillac. He told Beverly they were lucky they got picked up by Aubrey and lucky that they didn't hitchhike because someone would have kidnapped them both and they would have been SOLD into the Sex Trafficking Industry in Mexico.
The Victory Acres program in Texas relocated to Marion, North Carolina. Beverly and two other girls ran away again. The police picked up the other two girls first, returned them to Victory Acres and then found Beverly and took her to the Police Station. Bill and Jen MacNamera were called and arrived shortly to pick Beverly up.
One of the officers overheard Bill threaten Beverly as he told her that they were going to beat her when they returned back to the home. This launched an investigation and a lady from DCFS showed up and questioned Beverly about what happened when she came back to the program after running away. Beverly told them that they beat her with a paddle in her boxer briefs she was wearing at the time upon her return.
The lady asked if she had any bruises and Beverly told her that she wasn't sure but that she received over 15 licks with a wooden paddle. Beverly was assessed for injuries and they discovered that she was covered in black & blue bruises on her butt cheeks and covering the back of her thighs. DCFS called Sherod and told her what happened and to immediately take Beverly home.