Dear Renisha: Turning Trauma Into Triumph

EPILOGUE: WHAT I'VE LEARNED SO FAR

What happened to me was NOT my fault
I did NOT deserve to be abused
I am NOT hard to love
I am NOT crazy, the abuse I endured did in fact happen
My eating disorder came from being deprived of food as a child and grew into a control issue
My OCD with excessive showers and rituals are from being deprived from being capable of maintaining good hygiene as a child
My defensive wall was built to protect my heart from being broken by others who say they care about my well-being
My memory loss is my brain's way of protecting me from remembering Every Single Traumatic Event that occurred in order to prevent my brain from being overwhelmed
My sudden shift in mood from 0 to 100 is a symptom of my BPD
Healing is a process it doesn't happen overnight
Perfection is not success. Stop trying to be perfect it's exhausting
I AM WORTHY
My feelings matter
It's OKAY for me to want accountability for what I endured
Most survivors become Advocates while in the Healing Process.
I'm not trying to right every wrong in my life, but wanting Justice is OKAY and so is Exposing the ONES who hurt me to prevent them from hurting anyone else.
It's okay to ask for help. I'm NOT alone anymore
I AM BELIEVABLE!!!

One thing that you have to understand is: back in the '90s and early '00s there was no way other than by voicing what happened for us to be able to share our stories. To tell people other than our families was hard. And even your family- most of the time they didn't believe you anyways because these places feed your parents bullshit about you when you were in the program. The programs would tell them that you're going to come home and tell lies. Most kids stayed quiet. Until the internet and social media. One thing the troubled teen industry did not see coming is the power of social media and the Internet.
In 2013, I started connecting with survivors on Facebook: Bethel survivors, Reclamation Ranch survivors, New Beginnings Girls Academy survivors, Rebekah Home for Girls survivors, Charity Haven and Victory Acres survivors. I started as a small discussion group via Facebook messenger between the programs and we would talk about what had gone on and was still going on.
From there I slowly started to be able to make posts on my personal Facebook pages about what I went through. I started to open up to coworkers. I even told my boss. That was probably one of the best decisions I made-opening up to her. She was able to understand why I do the things I do. Why I'm hard on myself. Why do I get upset so easily? Why do I take things so personal? My boss even understands my triggers and how to approach me so that way I don't respond in a defensive manner. Sometimes I feel attacked if approached the wrong way verbally. I've never had a boss treat me with so much dignity like she has, ever.
It was when I started to notice that there were some really good people in this world. And they truly had my best interest in heart. They wanted me to succeed. And understood that what I went through was some really messed up, fucked up shit. BUT, I'm still here. I should've been dead three times by now. Three times I should've died! But I didn't. For some reason, for some reason I'm still here. I just have to find my purpose. I feel like most survivors- we try to find the meaning of going through such horrible shit. We try to find the lesson to be learned.  And what a person's trying to teach me.
The fact of the matter is everyone goes through horrible, fucking shit. We just don't know about it because we don't fucking talk about it. We bottled it up. Acted like it didn't happen and we try to go on...but, inside we're dying. I don't know about you, but when I am experiencing a panic attack, nothing makes me feel less suicidal than that feeling in the moment- like I was actually dying. I lost my hearing for 20 minutes. My ears were ringing the entire time. My heart felt like it was beating ever so slowly. I wasn't able to catch my breath.
I don't like feeling like this. I have to heal. Healing is not a one-size-fits-all. It's all in its own time. Your own process and the way that you heal is personal to you and your journey. For me it was through social media. I was able to make funny & educational TikTok videos about my trauma. Sometimes, because I'm so desensitized, I tend to laugh at things that aren't really funny and sometimes I can turn a horrible story into one that is slightly funny to make the listener feel more comfortable and at ease. People can only take so much darkness.
In 2020, Paris Hilton came out with a documentary called " This is Paris " on YouTube sharing her experience about Provo Canyon school. This opened Pandora's Box. It made a way for all survivors, from all realms within the troubled teen industry to connect. I didn't know how huge this industry was until this moment. It gave everyone the power to be able to share their stories by seeing other people connect with other people never in my wildest dreams could I have even guessed that the celebrity would've gone through anything similar to what I had gone through in the troubled teen industry. There's actually a lot of celebrities that have been in the troubled teen industry.
Survivors from all over started meeting up to protest and do rallies. Like at Agape Boarding School in Missouri and at Provo Canyon School in Provo Canyon, Utah to help spread awareness of what's going on in the troubled teen industry. Many survivors have gone to Washington DC to the Capital and even state Capitals to speak to senators, governors, politicians and lawmakers to try to get reform brought to this multi-billion dollar industry. From the movement the hashtag: #Iseeyousurvivor was started. So, I decided to do something about it and join the movement.
They used to tell us in the program when we would cry, "No one's coming for you. No one's going to save you."  I remember what it feels like to be trapped in a place and no one can hear your cries, so I became the woman that I needed to save me when I was a child.
So in 2020, when I saw that other survivors of the TTI started sharing their stories and speaking up publicly about their trauma. I knew I had to do something. I knew that my story would help other people be able to feel comfortable sharing their story or maybe talking to their parents about what they went through. I waited years later to talk about this. I knew something had to be done and this time I wouldn't stay silent!
In addition to sharing my story on the Surviving Abuse Podcast, I also co-hosted a couple podcasts episodes with A Man Apart Podcast and other survivors from Bethel. I'm rallying the troops-my band of misfits and I am ready to take down this industry! 
We are all GROWN up now and we are EXPOSING OUR ABUSERS who Silenced us for decades! I hope to become more active in the survivor community and would like to be a part of the process that brings change to this multibillion dollar industry!
Recently, one of my TikTok's that I made caught the attention of a detective seeking information about a girls home called Marvelous Grace Girls Academy the former NBGA / Rebekah Home and that video helped launch an investigation which led to the home closing.
I would also like to bring change to the foster care and adoption community as there is a great need for reform there also. I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like I am able to step out of survival mode. I've been through a lot but don't count me out yet there is still work to be done!
I will not stop advocating for change!