Dear Renisha: Turning Trauma Into Triumph

CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

Dear Renisha,

I've been away from home now for 1 year and 4 months.
You eventually find that time slowly ceases to exist, your days blend together, memories start to fade away, reality seems to be a weird stimulation that feels like a bad dream that you don't ever wake up from.
It was almost Christmas and I missed my family dearly. This would be my 2nd Christmas without them. I would much rather deal with Mary's abuse than this horrible place. Little did I know I was about to get a Christmas Miracle.
I was called from my room to go to Brother Herman Foundation Sr.'s home. I was then informed that I had 10 minutes to gather my belongings that I was going home. I was in complete shock. As I ran from the Foundation's house to the trailer the car pulled up. It came to a stop and as the passenger side door opened I recognized my neighbor: old man Frank from down the street. I slowly waved and smiled, confused. Frank said, "Aren't you gonna say hi to your Dad?"
I looked around to the driver's side door and there was Larry standing there completely unrecognizable. I instantly apologized. I was in shock. Larry had gained at least 150 lbs. while I had been away. I ran to him and hugged him. He kissed me on my forehead and said are you ready to go home Poe'Joe (my nickname he gave me). I said, "Yes, sir." and got in the back of the car. Still in disbelief that I was leaving Bethel.
That night we stayed at the Red Roof Inn Motel. Larry and Frank shared a bed and I had the other bed to myself. I stayed awake all night looking out the hotel room window, scared that Bethel staff would come kidnap me and take me back to Bethel. The reality of me going home didn't set in until I saw the Welcome to Florida sign !
When we arrived home it was late at night and dark outside. I walked up the red wheelchair ramp that was attached to our house and towards the front door. Before I could even reach the handle, Beverly opens the door and shouts, "Hey, baby girl! Look at you! You've gotten so big!" She gave me the biggest hug. As I walked down the hallway, Beverly added, "You share a room with me now." We listened to music as she helped me unpack. At this time, Mary was in a hospital very sick. Prior to her going to the hospital, they moved her into my old bedroom which was between Mary's room on the left and Beverly's room on the right. Beverly informed me that she was dating a guy named Brandon. One of the first things I did was take a hot shower for about an hour. With Mary in the hospital, Dad didn't care if we showered that long. Beverly and I talked about the programs all night until we fell asleep. She was the first person I ever talked to about what happened in the programs. Beverly taught me how to defend myself , she taught me how to fight in case I got sent back to the programs .
The next day, my granny came by to see me. She was instructed by Mary to have me go into my old bedroom and try on all my old clothes. Now granted, I'm almost 13 at this point and before I left the program I had a flat chest, with no boobs. I am now wearing a 38C cup bra. Who in their right mind would think, "Oh yeah, these clothes from almost 2 years ago are still going to fit her. Like growth spurts don't happen." Needless to say, none of the clothes fit. I couldn't even get them over my head so my granny took me shopping at a store called Dots. I remember wanting to pick out a pair of jeans that had patches on them of smiley faces, hearts and letters. She said that they were too loud so I put them back. She bought some pants and skirts and some more up-to-date trendy things for the year 2000.
My granny and my dad took me to Fort Caroline Middle School and re-enrolled me. I was in the seventh grade at this time and hadn't ever been into a public middle school. I was so lost. I remember my first day.  I got in trouble for opening my locker by a teacher. I didn't know how to tell her that I had never attended a public middle school before so I stayed silent. At my enrollment, I informed the school counselor that I was behind in math. I explained what kind of school work was done in the programs and told him that I might need some help and I will be behind.
They placed me again into another slower math class for people who are behind. A lot of kids in school recognized me and remembered me from elementary school but what's crazy is my memories had faded so bad I couldn't remember anybody that I went to school with. Rumors started to spread around me as to why I had disappeared because I wasn't talking about it. A rumor even got started that I had gotten pregnant, had a baby and came back. Kids were bringing class pictures from our elementary school days to school to try and refresh my memory but it couldn't remember anyone who had gone to school prior to being sent away .
I didn't know how to explain to them what had happened where I had gone and all the abuse. It was so embarrassing. Most of my time was spent hanging out with the art and band kids. I even tried out for track. Surprisingly, the coach for the track team let me. Because I was new at school, when we were trying out he had me in the back with all the slower runners in our gym class. I beat everybody. He was like, "Wow! You're super fast! Like you're a really fast runner. Like, Oh My God! You're so good!" I was like, "Yeah, well you know, they made us run a lot in the girls' homes."
Other than that, I didn't really talk about the programs too much. I think there was a boy named Nick that I liked in my art class. I talked to him about the programs and stuff when we'd talk on the phone.
Shortly thereafter, Mary got really sick. I remember going to the hospital one evening and they said she's not gonna make it. So I said my goodbyes. As we came home from the hospital, the phone rang as soon as we opened the door. Larry answered the phone.  Mary was dead. I remember my granny screaming in distress that she lost her baby sister. For me, I could finally breathe. She wasn't going to hurt me again. BUT, I also remember being fearful that they would send me back to Bethel once Mary was gone.
I started to try to do everything that I could to stay in good graces so that they wouldn't send me back. I made sure I cleaned the house. I tried to do good at school because before Mary had passed I had gotten in trouble and got into a couple fights at school. Just mean girl shit. Girls that were picking on me and I just wasn't gonna put up with it so I got in trouble a couple times for fighting. I really was trying to prevent them from having any reason or excuse to send me back but it wasn't good enough and I believe that the plan all along was to send me back.
No later than a week after Mary died, I came home from school and my bags were packed. Aunt Sharod was yelling at me about clothing (a bikini top) that was in my room but it wasn't even my clothing. It was Beverly's clothing that she didn't take with her when she moved out. I remember even contemplating on running away but I didn't know where to run to. I didn't know where my sister lived. I couldn't run away to her but I was so scared of going back to Bethel. I even contemplated suicide. Apparently, though, you can't drown yourself in the bathtub without taking substances and I was scared of it not working and me waking up a vegetable.
I didn't sleep at all that night. The next day, early in the morning I got up and got into the car with Aunt Sherod. Tears streamed down my face as I watched my dad and granny stand on the wheelchair ramp waving goodbye.
Little did I know: I would never see my adoptive father again.