EVERY LAST WORD

THINGS I WISH I SAID IN THERAPY

I remember my first session so vividly yet it's been 6 years since.
Now I know what you are thinking.. "you've been in therapy for 6 years?!"
Well, technically no but frankly, yes and no
it's been a bumpy road of off and ons.

I had my first session in my living room,
It was a beautiful day and the sun was out
shining so bright everywhere except at my house.
Moods were so melancholy.
My dad's blood pressure should have been at it's peak that day.

As for my therapist,
In his black suit and white tie, I thought, " today I might die"
He had a briefcase and wore glasses with shoes so shiny you could see his reflection.

"You're here for a therapy session not a court hearing sir!!" I whispered under my breath.

Sitting in the most upright position and crossed legs he said, "Ms Mwango, how are you?"

Holding back tears from my already red eyes I answered, "I'm well thanks, you?"

I fought the urge to say,
My stomach is growling with anxiety, I do not understand why you are dressed the way that you are, my heart hurts from worry, I'm worried about my dad for being worried about me, I'm worried about my past my present and future, I haven't slept in two days, I cannot understand my feelings yet i understand that I am anxious, WHY AM I IN THERAPY! am I crazy? Good Lord why do I feel this way?

He then asks another question, "do you understand why I am here?"

Looking at him, i breath in, loudly sigh and chuckle, And then I say, "yes, yes I do, you're here to "help" me"
Judging from your suit and tie, you probably have a fancy degree from a fancy school, you're here to give me some of you time, judge me, and probably medicate me. Oh, I nearly forgot and make your money that's the important part to you, right? You don't have a soft spot for me so you'll probably handle me the way you were taught to in school and not like a friend to friend relationship. When really all I need is a friend.

"Why don't we get started, is there anything you'd like share?" He asked.

I could not hold my tears back anymore, they ran down my face and over my red cheeks and I answered, "no, not at the moment."

When really I should've said;

I'm no too fond of speaking about my feelings but if you really must know.
Here you go...

People say just hold on, happiness will find you.
But sadness has found me more countless times than happiness ever has.

Many occurrences of my life have each been worse and more negative than the previous one "see the light in the negatives, it just might be a blessing in disguise"

Some things really are easier said than done because tell me how you are to see a blessing in disguise from falling sick that it leads you to pass out every time?

Just when I think I've made it through, my anxiety finds a way to dig wholes through ground as solid as concrete.

I see the world flash before me each time i open my eyes, it blurs in nothing but color and noise.

I don't remember when it all started neither do I know when it will all end but I know that I'd give everything to stand up on my feet again.

If I could explain my anxiety, I'd say it's like falling from the top of the tallest building in fear, except the building is a point in my life

And when i finally hit the bottom, i look back at the sky, everything i once had is so far high. My happiness, my joy, all to far out of  reach and the only thing left to do is cry.

The people at the top all yell out "Save yourself, have hope, you're going to be just fine"

But they are all too ignorant to realize it be a lot easier to survive if they just let down a rope.

So forgive me for keeping this all inside, but it's difficult to step outside to a society with standards for me that are too high.

"You have it all, you make money, you are falling... why don't you just fly!"

But how do you expect me to "fly" when I cut my wings to see you grow and reach for the sky!?

Maybe that's my problem... I give out all the skin on my body to help people that would never cut a fingernail if it's what I needed to save my life.