(i'm worried) it will always be you

Chapter 10 - Nothing was beautiful and everything hurt

Tuesday, April 18th, 2017. Spring semester Sophomore year, the week before finals started.

Sapnap hadn't been doing well.

Well, on the outside, he looked like he was doing the same as he always was. That made it worse in a way- how absolutely mundane his life was, that there wasn't even a discernible difference between his normal and whatever this was.

His days started alone, Dream having a class that started before Sapnap's first alarm went off. He woke up alone on weekends too, seeing that Dream and George had finally stopped trying to hide their painfully obvious relationship from their friend group and would be together the entirety of the weekends as well.

When moving through the motions, going to class, the dining hall, work, parties- it didn't matter where Sapnap was, he always felt alone in a crowded room.

He liked to call it a 'funk'. Funk was an easier pill to swallow than clinical depression.

Cleo, his on-again-off-again girlfriend, had cheated on him again. It wasn't even the pain of feeling disrespected and betrayed in his relationship that hurt- no, he was used to that. Things were different for him now. People talked.

He was well known on campus, the only sophomore tutor who was fully booked for the entire semester. With word of mouth recommendations constantly passed around, it had sparked talk about more than just his teaching skills.

His peers found out about his hot and cold relationship with Cleo. Sapnap had never been one for drama, hardly ever finding himself in a position to be in the limelight. There wasn't a particular overheard whisper that got to him. It was more just the fact that he felt exposed, on display, defenseless.

It was clear that Cleo thrived off the attention- completely immune to the fact it was all negative. Her scandals became harsher, her tactics to hurt him crashing through the line of defense walls he had built.

What made this time different was Cleo didn't just kiss someone at a party or get caught shamelessly flirting with her TA. She fucked someone else. She invited one of the basketball players into her dorm- into her bed- and didn't show a sign of genuine remorse when Sapnap later confronted her about it.

"Can you really blame me? You're not even you anymore. You rarely make time for me, you don't put any effort into this relationship- for fuck's sake, we haven't even slept together in a month! Don't try to slut shame me for having needs and finding someone who can actually satisfy them."

Yeah, that one hit him deeper than he was expecting.

The worst part was, it just made him think of Karl.

If he couldn't keep Cleo happy- someone who just needed sex and attention every now and then to be content- what gave him the audacity to think he could ever make Karl happy?

Why did he believe he would be a different person with Karl, some idealized version of himself? Karl was a social butterfly, sweeter than an apple pie, and the happiest person he'd ever met.

Sapnap thought he envied him, sometimes even wanted to be him. Something he never questioned was the fact he wanted to be with him. But that was a selfish thought. Sapnap could already envision himself burdening Karl, shrouding his sunny sky in cumulonimbus clouds.

Karl was loyal to a fault, someone who never gave up on people, even when they didn't deserve his forgiveness. By keeping him at this arm's distance, Sapnap could ensure he'd never abuse Karl's devotion like that. He could sit back and stare at the way Karl moved through life, living each day to its fullest, while he chronically pondered which would be his last.