jumil/jujae : drink it.

six : wicked past, moral present.

TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter touches on topics like depression, anxiety, abuse and self harming behaviour. if you're not in the greatest of moods, i recommend going back and tuning it when you feel stable. if you feel uncomfortable, you are allowed to skip this as it's just a backstory to get to know the character better and you won't necessarily be missing any key developments or interactions between the love interests in the plotline. 

hyunjae's past was confusing. unlike juyeon, his past wasn't a crazy household, his past wasn't something someone would consider worth paying attention too over an abusive household, and his life won't be made into a documentary or be told in sad and emotional youtube compilations. their upbringing was very different. looking in from just the face of it, infact, juyeon's past would seem way more painful and agitating. but hyunjae's past wasn't any different.

being a single child with a mentally unstable mother with a glass of alcohol in her hand almost every night was not out of the ordinary for hyunjae. normal dinner and " how was your day?" conversation would spiral into guilt tripping her own blood and complaints about how shitty her life is because of him. plus, add an absent father that never came out of his film studio and when he did, made wrong choices which made his child suffer into the mix and you've got a pretty unlikeable reputation, atleast for an angsty teenager, that is. in 7th grade, after much persistence, his folks agreed to take him to a psychologist after noticing his self harming scars. diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, hyunjae felt even more broken. but he didn't actually get to complete his therapy due to the family's ego and pride barging into the way. mental health problems was a stigma to society, and his parents were no different.

hyunjae lived with these people. and the worst part? he cared for them. they gave him everything he wants, they cherished him like no other. he didn't blame the mindset of his parents onto them, as he assumed it was because of the upbringing and the situations in which they were brought up. and, that was the problem.

hyunjae's past was all too real. for an abuse victim, hyunjae's house would seem like a luxury. but, both of their sufferings are different, but both of them feel pain, just in different circumstances. the shivelry of getting the chance to attend therapy, and the humbleness of hiding your depressive state when you quit to make sure no one notices. it was all too real, it was normal. normal for any child. he was just " another kid ". people around him failed to realize that you don't need to get physically beaten up to live in an unhealthy household. 

he wanted help, he needed it. but he was too scared to look out for it. and when he turned an adult, he left that household for good, despite protests from his folks. living alone couldn't be a more better choice for hyunjae. since the people who constantly made his life hell were away, he he finally had time to focus and better himself. he started living life the way he wanted to live it, not the way some random relative said he should, and now, he's so much more happier than he ever was in that house. but not every second of his life as a child was miserable, despite the fights and tragedy, his parents were loveable. it was rare, but they often had joyous conversations and moments when he felt proper parental affection, but it just wasn't enough to hold him back from leaving. he does miss his parents, and so, he makes sure to call them atleast once a week, to let them know he is alive and doing well. 

not to mention, everybody knows what being in an asian household without perfect scores bring you, it brings you shame, guilt, embarrassment. but obviously, no one cares about that. as long as people see you sit on your ass and study, they can easily let your deteriorating mental health slide away, which was the case with hyunjae. hence, hyunjae loathes studying. he hates it. the pressure to do better, the constant taunts and the the so called 'jokes' his friends who get higher score than him make, it was all too much to bear. he couldn't share any of his concerns with the elders, he knew the only automated response he will get is, " just study then? " but to him, it wasn't that easy. he wanted to try, but the feeling of knowing no one will be able to understand him was greater than the other. 

- 

another high school day, a fun and exhausting one. after bidding younghoon goodbye, he headed over to his own house. he hated going to his house, all he would hear are insults anyways. but he has to. doing his after school routine, he sat on his computer as usual, ready to waste away another day playing video games and wondering what to do with his life. he opened the game and waited for the match to begin as the theme song started playing, hyunjae listened carefully to every beat, grooving to the rhythm. the song, it was his habit. hyunjae always loved music.

" hyunjae, get off the computer go study, remember what you got in your last exam? you should be embarrassed. "

" screw off. "

" excuse me? i gave birth to you, you can't talk to me like that just because your a teenager. "

" exactly mom, that's the problem. the only thing you did for me was give birth to me. "

" are you saying i did nothing for you except giving birth to you? "

" please leave this room, we'll talk about this later. " hyunjae stood up and locked the door, knowing his mom will forget about this incident as long as there was alcohol in her hands. he returned to his seat and grabbed the guitar he got as a gift from younghoon on his birthday, he mocked younghoon for gifting him this since hyunjae didn't had any interest in learning it, atleast that's what he himself thought. it took a while, but he learned to play the guitar. he learned other instruments like the piano by using the school piano and learning it digitally once he got home, he could also play the mandolin and the violin. soon, without realizing it, he was dedicating all his free time to making music. 

" damn younghoon, you know me better than i know myself."

- 

and now, 5 years later, the two males stared at the guitar, recalling past memories. the guitar has visibly gotten old, but the sign still remains crystal clear. to hyunjae, from your fav smartass younghoon ^^ it read, with the date marked as 13th September 2019 in younghoon's handwriting with a little bear and a bread on the side.

" how did you know i liked music, younghoon? "

" it was obvious, every time a song played, you would shut others up just to listen to it. you don't remember? "

" am I a bit too obvious or are you a little bit too smart for my liking? It's kinda creepy, you know. "

" oh shut up " younghoon whined, unable to come up with a defense.

the two walked around hyunjae's in-house studio, as younghoon examined each one of the equipment. he didn't know much about music, but was glad to see his friend was finally passionate about something. " dude, how do you get the money to afford all this shit? " he asked, amazed. " I make random beats and post them to this website, if people use my samples in their song, the app pays me directly. " hyunjae explained. younghoon's lips turned into an ' o ' shape, indicating that he understood.

" well then, gotta go. imma head to the library before going home. " younghoon said, hyunjae nodded and guided his friend out the door, waving him goodbye as he did.