Bellflowers || Fyozai

10|| Just When I Think Things Could Not Be Worse...

Hello ^-^! 

I'm sorry for the late update, but I have been going through a tough time lately. Recently I have been under a lot of academic pressure due to exams. On top of all of that, I received very heartbreaking news yesterday... My uncle passed away. It has been a difficult time for me and my family and it has been tough to process and move on... I want to be able to focus on my studies as well as grieve for the loss of my uncle, so I think it's best if I take a semi-hiatus from my stories until August 6. 

I apologize for the inconvenience and I hope you understand the situation I'm in. 

Again, I'm sorry for the late update. 

I think there is no need for a warning this chapter. 

Enjoy ^-^! 

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Dazai was not the only person who was struggling with the guilt. Fyodor was also struggling with the guilt as well... He was feeling guilty for sleeping with Dazai... He felt like he had betrayed his deceased lover, Nikolai... He couldn't get over the guilt he was feeling and it caused him to become very depressed. 

He had returned to the mental ward without anyone noticing his absence. He let Odasaku took him back to his room without saying even a word. He stayed up all night and stared at the ceiling, thinking about the mistake he made... The thing which was disturbing him the most was the fact that he was not regret... He actually loved to hear Dazai's moans and to see how his body was quivering underneath his touches.

It made him satisfied to see Dazai felt so much pleasure... 

It was one of the most intimate time he ever had after years... 

He loved to see Dazai so aroused and filled with pleasure... 

He felt like they were one... 

He loved the feeling of being close to Dazai and pleasing him so much... 

It was a pleasure he couldn't get enough of...

The feeling of being in love... 

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After a week from that incident Dazai came back to the work. He couldn't look at Fyodor in the eyes. 

The one who broke the silence was Fyodor. "Don't take what happened between us serious. It is normal that guys do this sometimes." He let out a sigh.

Dazai bit his shaking lower lip, trying not to cry. Fyodor was right, it was a mistake, it shouldn't have done. It shouldn't have happened. However, thinking like that didn't make the pain in his heart relieve. 

His heart felt like it would break and that he wouldn't be able to hold his tears back anymore...

Dazai couldn't let the tears fall, not like this and definitely not now. 

It was not like he was about to lose his life... 

He had lost so much already... 

He thought about his husband who loved him dearly and whom he would die for and who died in his arms... 

He couldn't break down in front of Fyodor... 

So he wiped the pain away... 

Then he just simply left the room without saying anything... 

He refused to give in to grief, either for better or for worse... 

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Another week was left behind. Dazai was not like himself for a week and it caught Odasaku's attention. Odasaku was very worried for his friend and did not want to see him in a poor state. He tried to talk to Dazai about it, but Dazai was not very responsive. Not wanting to push the issue, Odasaku let out a sigh and stayed quiet. 

Dazai didn't talk much or didn't eat much either that week. He spent hours alone in his room after Mieko went to sleep. 

Odasaku wanted to do something, anything to make Dazai feel better again. 

Finally, one day Odasaku found the answers of his questions during another quiet dinner. Odasaku asked Dazai about what was bothering him. At first, Dazai only shrugged and didn't tell him anything. Odasaku was about to give up when suddenly Dazai spoke up. He told Odasaku about the incident with Fyodor. 

"It was my punishment for betraying Chuuya..." Tears were streaming down Dazai's cheeks after he had finished talking. 

Odasaku understood everything now. He realized that this was why Dazai had been so unhappy and why he had been so quiet and withdrawn. 

After Dazai finished telling his story, instead of judging him, Odasaku hugged Dazai tightly. "It's okay, Dazai... You didn't betray to Chuuya..." He patted Dazai's back to comfort him.

Dazai felt guilty and ashamed of himself... He shut his eyes and buried himself into Odasaku's chest. "Thank you..." He whispered softly. 

Odasaku laughed lightly. "No need to thank me, Dazai." He rubbed circles on Dazai's back. "Sometimes things don't go as planned and this is not your fault." 

Dazai felt a warmth filled his chest and the guilt he was feeling subsided a little. He looked up at Odasaku and wiped away the tears from his eyes. "Thank you, Odasaku..." He said, still feeling a little embarrassed. 

Odasaku smiled gently and brushed Dazai's hair out of his face. "No need to thank me." He said again. "It's what friends are for." He hugged Dazai tightly once more. "Just remember, I'm always here for you." He said before finally releasing his hold. 

Dazai smiled as he felt a warmth in his heart. "I know." He said softly. "Thanks for always being here for me." 

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Fyodor looked around. White padded walls... They were everywhere. They were suffocating him. At least, right now there was a single window in his room this time since Dazai convinced the other doctors that it would be better for his mental health, but the window was barred. 'This room is really a cell.' As soon as he came back to this mental hospital after leaving Dazai's side and Odasaku locked him in again Fyodor's heart began to race as his panic set in. 

After all he was all alone in a room with no escape. He was stuck in this mental hospital and he had no idea if he would ever get out of there. He would feel the urge of banging his fists against the walls from time to time, but he knew it would get him nowhere. 

He was thinking of ways he could escape from his cell. He knew that the doctor called Sakunosuke Oda wouldn't be so merciful to let him out next time. He could try to break the window, but that seemed dangerous. He could search the walls for any weak spots, or something he could use to break the door. He could also use his ingenuity and search for something around the room to pry it open. 

'As if you have somewhere else to go even if you manage to escape.' 

Yami said with a dark chuckle. 

Fyodor clenched his jaw and tried to ignore the voices in his head. He tried to focus something else such as feeling his feet on the tile floor and counting his breaths. 

He reminded himself that the thoughts and voices were not real and that he could be in control of his own body, mind and emotions. 

He concentrated on his breathing and letting those thoughts pass, like waves on the shore. 

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What do you think about the plot twist in my story lol? Did you expect the one who breaks things would be Fyodor? 

Anyway, I love you all ^-^! 

See you in the next chapter >~<~!