Bellflowers || Fyozai

20|| Fitting In: A Battle Against Anorexia

Hello! 

How are you all? 

I hope you are doing okay! 

I'm so happy today because I was invited by WebNovel to write in their website! 

Anyway I will give some warnings. 

Warning! 

This chapter contains anorexia, mentions of body shaming and bullying/mobbing and smut! 

If you are not comfortable with it, please don't read! 

I won't tolerate any hate comments! 

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Neko was only eighteen years old when she was diagnosed with anorexia.

Growing up, Neko was surrounded by pretty people and it seemed like they had it all. Fitting in with them became of paramount importance to her which is why she decided to go on a diet.

At first, the diet worked. Neko felt a sense of accomplishment and control for the first time in her life, but what started as a simple way to fit in, spiraled into anorexia. No matter how much weight she lost, it was never enough and it never made her feel any better.

Neko had always felt different, as if an invisible force weighed her down. She obsessively counted every calorie, planning out meals she could never bring herself to eat, workouts that went too far. No one knew the real her, the anorexic who was terrified that anything she ate could make her expand like a balloon, no matter how little she ate. 

Her name aptly fit given its dual meanings: Her own name was connected to both the slippery and deceitful nature of a cat, as well as a meaning of 'treachery'. Even though Neko had never done anything to deserve the moniker, it felt like her life filled with deceit: Lies she told to those close to her about why she kept skipping meals, why she seemed so tired and skinny, why she was never quite herself.

Neko felt invisible and disempowered, like an outcast in a world that she was never meant to fit in. Her struggles with anorexia had taken such a tool, driving her further and further away from everyone else. Neko felt like a washed-out version of herself, a ghost lurking in the dark shadows of her own room.

At school, Neko was constantly mocked for her thin frame. Even the closest friends would joke about her weight, much to her dismay. Neko felt powerless to escape this body shaming, barely even recognizing herself in the reflection that stared back at her in the mirror. All she wanted was to be accepted for who she was, regardless of her size or weight.

Every day, Neko was surrounded by body shaming. She could feel the eyes of her classmates judging her and the core identity's family would offhanded comments about her size. The pressure to look a certain way became overwhelming and Neko stopped feeling like herself.

In an effort to cope with the continuous judgment of her body, Neko's anorexia intensified. She took extreme measures to make sure her body conformed to the standard of slimness expected of her. Unfortunately, this had a grave impact on her mental and physical health.

She had a boyfriend named Nikolai who was sadly was caught in the crossfire of her illness. He was loving and understanding at first and he tried to be supportive of her and her needs, but as time passed, he started to feel like he was unable to truly help her in the way she needed. He struggled with trying to find the balance between helping her and her recovery while also trying to stay in a healthy relationship with her.