Bellflowers || Fyozai

9|| I Have Been Well... Well... As Good As I Can Be Without You...

Hello ^-^! 

How are you all? 

I hope you are doing well! 

I'm sorry for not being able to update for a while... 

I have upcoming exams... 

I can only spare 2 hours for writing for a day. 

I think there is no need for warnings for this chapter, there is just angst. 

We will look into Dazai's feelings in this chapter ^-^! 

Anyway, I hope you enjoy ^-^! 

⊱ ───── {.⋅ ۵♡۵ ⋅.} ──── ⊰

Dazai got dressed that day. He was going to visit Chuuya's grave that day which he couldn't have the strength to do for 3 months and 3 days... Because of the sedatives which was given to him during the funeral, Dazai couldn't speak properly, so he couldn't get to say his goodbyes to Chuuya... 

Dazai walked solemnly and slowly, remembering all the memories he shared with Chuuya. 

At the graveyard, Dazai looked at the gravestone with his husband's name written on it. Tears started streaming down his face as he read the words which was written on the gravestone. 

My beloved husband. The light of my life, gone too soon. 
I love you and I will miss you forever. 

Dazai closed his eyes and wished things could have been different. He wished he could have the power to save Chuuya from the fate of death. He wished he could have held him tight one last time, but all of that was impossible now and all Dazai could do was stand in front of the gravestone and remember their memory together and all the love and joy they shared. 

Dazai put the red camellias onto Chuuya's grave. They always had been Chuuya's favorite flowers. Chuuya always told him red camellias were flowers of deep desire. Dazai started to love these flowers as well even though his favorite flowers had always been red roses. He smiled and gently brushed the red petals and admired how delicate and unique each one was. 

With tears in his eyes, Dazai bent down and kissed the gravestone. 

"Hi Chuuya." He placed a sad smile on his smile as he was standing in front of the grave of his husband. "It's been a while..." His voice was thick with emotion. He reached into his pocket and pullet out a white handkerchief, placing it down gently on the grave. "Our daughter bought it for you." He continued, his eyes welling up with tears. He took a deep breathe as he tried to hold his emotions back. "We both miss you so much Chuuya... Do you miss us too Chuuya?" 

He stayed in silence for a few moments, just trying to process the emotions that were bubbling up. He closed his eyes and took a deep breathe, wanting to remember his husband for who he was, instead of what had been taken away from him. 

"I still think about you every day Chuuya. Even though you are not here with us, you will always be in my and our daughter's heart. We will always love you Chuuya, forever and ever." He placed a kiss on his index finger and touched the handkerchief as he stood there silently for a few moments. "I promise that I will make sure our daughter is surrounded by all the love I can give her." 

He then looked up to the sky above. The sky was gray. It was about to rain, as if the sky was mourning with him for his husband's death. He could feel the rain started to fall, the drops pelting him. He felt relieved. It was as if nature was attempting to console him in his sadness. He cried harder as the rain as the rain grew stronger, feeling it helping to wash away his sorrow away little by little, as if the clouds had opened up and cried with him. He stood there in silence for what felt like hours, until the rain stopped and the sun started to shine, it's warmth was bringing a new kind of comfort. 

He then slowly got up and took a few steps back. He bowed silently, placed his hands together and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them, he wiped away the tears that had been forming in the corners of his eyes again. 

"I miss you so much. I know you always loved these red camellias." He placed his hand on the bouquet and let the tears fall down his cheeks. "I hope you are in a better place." Dazai wiped his tears. "Until we meet again... Goodbye Chuuya. I love you and I miss you so much." 

He stopped a few feet away and just stood there, looking back one last time. 

He knew his Chuuya was watching him from somewhere and he would never forget his husband's love... 

He looked up at sky again, this time with hope. He realized that although Chuuya was gone, life still went on and that it was up to him to make the best of it. He needed to stay strong for their daughter. He turned around began walking home, feeling lighter and with a newfound strength. He felt the sun's warmth on his face and he smiled. He knew they would be okay.

This was his life now and he embraced it. As he walked, he smiled at the thought of Chuuya and the happy moments they had shared together. He knew that he had to make their memories last forever and to use them as strength to keep going forward. 

⊱ ───── {.⋅ ۵♡۵ ⋅.} ──── ⊰

Then he stopped his tracks as he walked into the home. A sudden sadness began creeping into his heart slowly. He remembered what he had done with Fyodor. How could he had done this? How could he had done that to Chuuya? How could he sleep with someone else after Chuuya? Especially when it only had been just a few months since his death... 

He angrily smashed his hand against the wall. This was wrong... He shouldn't have done it... He felt like he betrayed to Chuuya... He was so angry, so hurt... 

He wanted to cry, to scream, to do anything to make the pain go away, but he knew that there was no escape from his guilt. Instead, he just closed his eyes and tried to breathe, to find some sort of peace in the sorrow. 

He brought his hand to his face and started to cry. 

He had made a mistake and now he had to live with it... 

⊱ ───── {.⋅ ۵♡۵ ⋅.} ──── ⊰

Don't be mad at Dazai! 

He is just struggling with some thoughts. He loves Fyodor (not as much as Chuuya and Fyodor doesn't love him as much as Nikolai), but he feels like he had betrayed Chuuya (even though he didn't). 

Anyway, I love you all ^-^! 

See you in the next chapters >~<~!