she picked up the razor blade contemplating if she should do this, she had been clean for a year and a half. she got lost in her thoughts once again, running the cold blade across her wrist pressing hard. she winced at the pain but kept going. tears filled her eyes with each cut she made on herself. wondering where she went wrong, what she did for isaiah to do this to her. her vision blurred as she started seeing nothing but darkness. she knew this feeling all too well and she was okay with it.
isaiah sat up in his room, worried for her. he wanted to go and check on her but he knew she'd hate him for it. oh well she'd just have to hate him. he grabbed his keys & walked out the door, making his way to sanyiah's. he saw an ambulance and her mother crying, sanyiah on the stretcher, barely conscious. mrs. james had no idea why her daughter cut herself and guilt flushed over isaiah. he ran up to her.
isaiah
—————————————————————
"mrs. james! what happened? "
"i don't know.. i found sanyiah on the floor in her room, blood everywhere.. i don't know what happened.. she hadn't eaten in 3 days, hadn't left her room either."
she spoke through her tears
"mrs. james, we're ready." the paramedic said to her. she nodded as she got in the ambulance promising to keep me updated. i told her thank you and walked back to my car.
i cried. hard. i'd been in love with sanyiah since we were 11 years old. we didn't get together until we were 14. trying to wait until we had some responsibility for ourselves. she was always at every basketball game i had, middle & high school. she was with me when i got my first offer, when i talked to my first scout. when i scored my first 3. she was there through it all. i don't know why i did what i did but i know it was wrong. i don't even remember fucking the girl until she showed me the video. it was bad.
time skip. *in the hospital*
mrs james
———————————————————
"i think she should be admitted into a mental hospital for 10 days" the doctor told her as they talked outside.
"she's not going to go willingly. i'm not sure i want to do that to her again."
"at this point, we have no choice. it is protocol. she attempted to commit suicide mrs. james. "
"i'm well aware but is this the only option?
"
"i'm afraid so, we will have to keep her on suicide watch for tonight."
"understood."
they walked back in the room seeing that she was fully awake now.
sanyiah
——————————————————————
"good evening sanyiah, how are you feeling?" the doctor said to me.
"i don't know, been better i guess. tired of the beeping and these dumb machines."
"i understand, are you hungry or in any pain?"
"my wrists hurt. bad."
"do you want some pain medicine? ibuprofen?"
"um yes please."
i was tired of talking to doctors, tired of people asking me why i did it and what happened. heard when i get outta here, i'm in a hospital. that's fun i guess, been there before. apparently isaiah came by. he was blowing my phone up & posted me on his story saying he hopes i pull through and other shit. whatever.
my saiah 💕🥹
please be okay.
i love you.
i'm sorry.
sanyiah please be okay.
sanyiah.. baby please.
ny ny.. please. please.
text me when you see this, i love you.
*16 missed calls from my saiah💕🥹*
isaiah worried about me a lot, always has. he's so protective. i decided to text him back.
me
hey saiah, i'm good. thanks for checking up.
my saiah💕🥹
hey ny.. i'm glad to hear from you
me
lol yea i bet..
my saiah💕🥹
yk when you coming home?
me
actually have no clue. going to the hospital again 🤦🏽♀️ .. yk i hated that place
my saiah💕🥹
yea i know kid, i'm sorry.. can we like hang out after you come home officially?
me
i don't know, not ready to see u
my saiah💕🥹
yea i feel that, i hope u can forgive me sanyiah.. yk i love you always.
me
yea..
my saiah💕🥹
hm.. well i gotta go to work, i took off for 3 days just to make sure u was straight
me
thank u saiah, ttyl then
*my saiah💕🥹 loved your message*
i cried. i miss isaiah being there. being in my
life, i've loved him for so long. i miss laying with him and being in his arms.. he made me feel safe. safe from everyone else, safe from my thoughts. i knew this meant i was back speaking to a therapist as well. hated that too. isaiah wasn't the reason i did this. if anything, he's the reason i stayed clean. he knew i had been going through shit and i guess everything with him and my parents was just becoming too much.
3 days later.
———————————————
i had been discharged from the hospital, knowing what was coming. i texted isaiah to let him know that i wasn't gonna be able to respond to him for a few days and he understood. isaiah was really my
only friend. i didn't talk to many people, didn't like them. every girl i was "friends" with tried to fight me over saiah so i stopped trying to make friends. i hung around him and his boys all the time. they always called him lil zay and called me zay jr because they said i act like him. i missed him so much.
