sanyiah
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i was having another nightmare. they seemed to be worsening but i didn't want to tell saiah. i hated when he worried. i know i should though. this is why i usually smoke before i go to sleep, so i don't have nightmares but i didn't smoke. i fell asleep after he did. i could tell he knew something was up. he just never asked about it. i didn't like lying to him. i could feel him waking up under me but i laid there. pretending to be asleep. i just loved laying with him. he kissed my forehead and just held me.
isaiah
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i know you're not sleep ny
how'd you tell?
your breathing isn't as soft like you're thinking about something
hmm
what's on your mind baby
i know ny hated talking but it was always worth a shot to try.
i just feel like i'm not really good enough for anyone anymore.. like maybe i don't belong. and i feel so out of place. with you, with my mom, with everyone. i don't like feeling this way because i don't know how to control it or how i'm supposed to feel. i don't feel like i belong in this world isaiah. this world has done nothing but shit on me and for what? for what? i want to be happy too. i want to be happy without weed or medication but i fucking cant because i'm not fucking normal isaiah.
i just listened to her, not saying a thing because if i say something she's gonna stop and i needed her to get this out.
i feel as if i'm a burden to you. that's all the girls at school tell me "stay away from zay, you're depleting his career" "you're not shit to him, he doesn't love you" "zay has more potential but you're in his way" they never stop. the days we argue it feels like you want to stop loving me. it feels like you have, we fight over dumb shit and i hate that too. i just wish shit was all peaches and cream like people talk about. i hate this feeling saiah.. i feel numb and broken, not because of you but because of how people treat me. i'm tired of it.. i'm so tired isaiah.
she finished speaking, falling into my lap as she cried. i understood everything she was going through and she didn't deserve it.
sanyiah, i will never EVER stop loving you. you mean the absolute world to me, you belong here. this is where you're supposed to be. you're not happy but you'll shake back, you always shake back and to the stupid groupie bitches at school, you gotta learn how to ignore them. don't let them get into your head. as a couple, we're gonna argue, we're gonna fuss, we're gonna fight. we just gotta know that it's temporary and that we won't give up on each other, we will get through it like we always do because i'm not losing you. you're my girl forever. i don't want anyone else and i know you're tired baby but you gotta fight this feeling. you can beat it and ima be right by your side ever damn step of the way. i know what you're feeling and you damn sure don't deserve this.. i'm so
sorry baby. i'm so so sorry.
she just laid in my lap, crying harder after what i said. i pulled her on my chest and wiped her beautiful brown eyes. tears spilling from her eyes.. i keep asking myself how long she's felt this way.. how long these girls have been saying things to her. she just cried into my chest and i let her. she needed a good cry.
the room fell silent, it was a loud silence but she had stopped crying. i gave her some water and she fell asleep, tired from all the crying. i got the advil from out of her drawer for when she wakes up, i know her head is gonna be in a lot of pain.
i also got the weed out of her closet, knowing where she kept it hidden from her mom. i got the sheet and the grinder, ground up the weed and placing it inside the sheet. i placed the blunt between my lips, licking it in a back in forth motion like a harmonica. i wasn't the best roller but i knew what i was doing. i put that next to the advil, knowing she would probably wanna smoke before she took another pill. i laid there, just staring off into the distance. wondering why she was so fragile, what happened ..
