Shark Tom

Pitching RoyTunes

Inside the Shark Tank set, Tom Wambsgans sits alongside the other sharks, awaiting Kendall Roy's pitch. As Kendall enters the room, he takes a deep breath and begins his presentation.

Kendall looks down at his notecard one last time before slipping it into his pocket, and looks up, his face a mask of questionably genuine excitement.  His eyes dart quickly, if a bit nervously, from Barbara, to Daymond, to Mark, to Mr. Wonderful... before finally resting on Tom for just the barest, most imperceptible extra second.  He clears his throat and says "Uh, Good afternoon, sharks. My name is, um, Kendall Roy, and today I'm here to pitch you an exciting opportunity in the music industry. I aim to create a record label that will revolutionize the way artists are discovered and supported.

Tom Wambsgans raises an eyebrow and leans forward in his chair.

"Ah, Kendall Roy, my dear friend... what an unexpected surprise. I didn't know you had a passion for music. I thought your expertise lied in, well, destroying your family's media empire.

Kendall tries to maintain his composure, a skill honed by years at his father's side, but his annoyance is evident to those who know him best.  "Tom, hi, we're not here to discuss personal matters. I'm here to present a business opportunity, and,"  Kendall turns toward the other Sharks,  "I believe it has great potential!" he says with a wry chuckle.

Tom smirks, and interrupts Kendall again, "Potential? That's an interesting word choice coming from someone who's renowned for his failed ventures. Remember that disastrous acquisition attempt, the one that almost brought the entire company down?"

Kendall clenches his jaw, visibly frustrated but determined to stay focused, "Yes, I've had my fair share of, ah... setbacks. But this is different, Tom. I've done extensive research, and the music industry is ripe for disruption. My record label will leverage technology and innovative marketing strategies to create a platform that empowers artists and connects them directly with their fans.

Tom chuckles softly.

"Oh, Kendall, always the visionary. But tell me, do you think you can handle the... pressure? We both know how stressful running a business can be. And let's not forget the burden of your family legacy weighing down on you, perhaps now more than ever."

Kendall takes a deep breath, momentarily contemplating his response.  His face is stoic to any who see him, but his exhalation is shaky, at best.  "Tom, I understand the challenges that come with this venture. But I've learned from my past mistakes, and I'm ready to take on this opportunity with everything I've got. I believe in my ability to build a successful record label and prove my worth."  It's a small wonder the microphone doesn't pick up the sound of his teeth grating.

The other Sharks observe the tense exchange, intrigued by the underlying dynamics.  Mark Cuban clears his throat, quietly, but remains quiet.

Tom lets out a small hiccup of a laugh, barely a chortle, "Well, Kendall, you've piqued my curiosity. While your family drama might be a source of entertainment for the rest of us, I'm willing to put it aside and evaluate your business proposal objectively. Let's hear more about your vision and how you plan to navigate the ever-changing landscape of the music industry."

Kendall regains his composure.  "Uh, thank you, Tom.  Anyway- Good afternoon, esteemed Sharks! My name, as I said, is Kendall Roy, and today I'm here to present an opportunity to invest in RoyTunes, a record label that I'm confident will achieve monumental failure in the music industry."

At this, the Sharks exchange puzzled glances, unsure if they heard Kendall correctly. Tom leans forward, visibly perplexed, intrigued by this unexpected proposition.

"I'm sorry, Ken, did you just say you're pitching a venture that's destined to fail? I must say, that's a rather unique approach. Pray, enlighten us with the details."

Kendall maintains a serious demeanor, trying his best to convince the sharks of his disastrous vision. "Ah, yes, that's correct, Tom. You see, I've analyzed the market thoroughly, and I believe there's a huge gap in the industry for a record label that has absolutely no understanding of artist development, marketing strategies, or talent scouting. RoyTunes will be an excellent case study on how not to run a successful record label."

The other sharks struggle to hide their amusement, but Tom, ever the curious one, presses on.  He seems genuinely actively engaged in Ken's pitch, appearing once again to be the eager pupil at the foot of Roy wisdom.  "Ken, forgive me if I'm skeptical, but why would anyone want to invest in a venture destined for failure? How do you plan to generate any returns?  What happens if I invest my money in RoyTunes... will I ever see it again?"

Kendall smirks, ready to deliver his unexpected response, "Ah, you see Tom, failure is the new success! RoyTunes will be a masterclass in bad decision-making, wasteful spending, and mismanagement. We'll make headlines as the most notorious record label in history, attracting attention from media outlets and industry insiders alike. And- who knows? Maybe we'll even win, like, uh, some "Worst Label of the Year" awards. It's a branding play, y'know?  Make such an obviously misguided splash that the establishment powers have no choice but to pay attention."

Tom chuckles, his skepticism mixing with a hint of barely-contained intrigue.  "Well, Kendall, I must admit, you've presented an unconventional pitch. But let's assume for a moment that your plan actually works. What happens when RoyTunes crumbles, leaving its artists disillusioned and bankrupt?"

Kendall's smile fades slightly, briefly, realizing the implications of his doomed venture.  Realizing the implications of the word "failure" being tied so closely to the name "Kendall Roy"... to the Roy family name.  But that brief moment is simply that, "That's a risk we're willing to take, Tom. RoyTunes will provide an unforgettable learning experience for our artists, teaching them valuable lessons in resilience, perseverance, and the harsh realities of the music industry. In the end, it's an opportunity for, uh, personal growth.  Our artists, managers, publicists... they'll build character, come out stronger.  Come out swinging, ready to take on the world.  This is the same kind of education that people pay millions of dollars for at Ivy League business schools, really..." 

His voice trails off from there, as he wanders behind the large, cardboard facade with the "RoyTunes" logo plastered across it.  Kendall sits down, drawing his knees to his chest, trying to remember what his therapist would say to do in these situations.  

Kevin, Mr. Wonderful as he's known to his fans, rises to go check on him, as does Barbara Cocoran, but Tom raises his hand to back them down as he gently heads over to the part of the set Kendall has disappeared behind.  "Hey, Ken, buddy... hey, it's just me.  What's goin' on, bud?"

Tom removes his mic pack and hands it to a production assistant as he walks over to where Kendall is currently trying to regain a composure that feels a lifetime away from him.  The man who walked into the tank is gone... From where Tom stands, looking down at his brother-in-law, it seems he may never have existed in the first place.  "Ken, hey, look at me.  Look at me," he whispers, kneeling down.  "Look at me," he repeats, firmly this time, placing a hand on the back of Kendall's sweaty head, "You can't do this.  You told your sister that you were past this, that you had this incredible plan, that you just needed a jump start.  You need to man up right now and finish your weird little pitch, or you need to stand up, walk back down that hallway, and crawl back into whatever little Xanax-filled sad-man hole you crawled out of.  It's up to you, man, one of the other.  But I'm going to walk back out there, either way, and tell those Sharks that this is all under control.  What "under control" looks like is up to you, but you just remember what happened today next time you come crawling my direction like the sniveling, shriveled up husk of a man that you really are, looking for a handout.  Goddamn, man."

Tom stands back up and straightens his tie as he looks down at him one last time.  

"Get a fucking grip, man.  What would Logan say, if he saw you now?"

Kendall knows exactly what he would say.  He rises and walks down the hallway, off the set, without saying a word.

Tom walks back out to the Sharks, a huge grin on his face, "What a fucking trainwreck, right??  Alright let's get the next pitch out here," he says with a chuckle as he pats Daymond and Mark on the back, taking his seat in between them, once again.  "Who's next into the Tank?!"