It's a miracle she didn't get pregnant back then. All those close calls and false alarms. She shook the thought out of her head as she sorted through the opened moving box. She peered down and saw journal after journal. The years she kept track of and the years she wanted to forget. So many of them had been spent on him, with him and about him. They had had a run. It wasn't bad and she wouldn't qualify it as good. But they had been there for each other.
When her world was shaken, there he was. When she was lost and unguarded he was right there and for that she would be forever grateful. Lydia looks up from the box to catch a glimpse of Jamie. She watches as he moves around the kitchen, their kitchen. He's unpacking the plates and glasses long ago put away in storage. As if he can feel her eyes on him he looks over his shoulder and smiles. She knows his eyes well. She can see the corners turn up ever so slightly as if he's saying "I love you" without saying anything at all.
It surprised both of them really. They hadn't spoken for years until they ran into each other on the street. She was different. They were different. He had been on his way to a meeting rushing up Fifth Avenue. She had been walking down Fifth, headed towards Washington Square Park. She hadn't seen him. It was always so fascinating that after all the years she searched for him throughout the city, she had finally stopped looking. It was as though her heart had said – enough- you deserve better. And she did.
She had loved someone after him. It hadn't been easy at first. She was constantly pulling herself back to the present when her mind drifted towards what could have been. He had been a good man, a kind and solid man. They had been together three years when they both realized that the love they shared wouldn't be enough for the one, precious life they had. He had moved out and she had moved away. Which is why it was all the more astounding Jamie saw her on the street at all. She had been in New York for no more than six hours at that point when she felt a hand reach out and touch her arm. Instinctively she jumped back but when she heard his easy going laugh she knew. Her once tender and aching heart didn't ping in pain when she met his eyes for the first time. She didn't look at him with hesitancy or hurt like she assumed she would after all this time. It was disorienting to see him after so long and even more disorienting to see how much he had changed. His demeanor had changed. Gone was the boy with the unruly heart and the wild ways. She had long ago shed her insecure girlhood and had replaced it with a formidable woman. He looked at her with respect and she gazed back with recognition. It seemed like for the first time since they had ever met, their souls recognized one another.
Their meeting had been funny and awkward. They hugged, he kissed her on the cheek. Exclamations were made and how have you beens. He was still in Brooklyn. She was in Washington, DC. He had traveled the world and had finally decided to plant roots. She had built her own stability. For the first time in her life, she did not need anyone. When her ex had left she boxed up their things and moved away. She wasn't running from herself, she was running towards independence. In the years since then, she had learned that not only could she survive, she would thrive on her own. She had let go of the notion that she needed taking care of. Her work and her life proved that to be true over and over again.
They had almost switched places five years after everything. She sought freedom. He wanted a home. She hadn't planned on giving them another shot and nor had hey, she would later come to find out. Lydia had let go of any expectation that Jamie would choose to love her. So when they mutually decided to love one another it was astounding how deeply the love ran. She had been hesitant. People didn't always change in the way you wanted them to but in Jamie's case he had become the man she always knew he was. He was genuine, curious, honorable and walked through the world with a sense of care she had yet to meet in another person. He had learned the importance of holding someone and keeping their heart safe. He did it every day for her heart with ease.
Of course, they didn't always get things right. There had been stumbles and obstacles that left them both wondering if they were two fools to repeat history. But as it would happen, history was never repeated. Lydia went back to D.C. and Jamie followed. He got his own place and for a year, they dated one another – each waiting for the other's shoe to drop. One day in month fourteen, Jamie turned to her on the couch and asked her if she would like to do "this" forever. Would she like to wake up and do the crossword? Would she like to move in together in a place where they could get a dog? Would she consider having children if that's what she wanted to do with him? Lydia's heart sang in a way she hadn't felt since she met him. She no longer needed to try to be enough for him or for anyone. He was not her sun, her moon and her stars. She was enough for herself and the way Jamie loved her now honored the woman she had become as opposed to diminished it.
She would find out about the years of therapy and the hard realizations as their relationship grew. She would learn how he sat down in a therapist's office one day finally talked about her after months of dancing around it. He would tell her how he felt heartbreak for the first time when he realized what it meant to love a heart but mishandle it the way he did hers. In return, he would learn how she had to figure out who she was before she could love another. He would listen attentively from his corner of the couch as she explained what it meant to learn how to trust herself and embrace who she was now as opposed to shaming herself for who she was. He would ask questions and she would help him understand. It was in this way that they relearned about one another, not through the lens of two young - too young - people desperately trying to make sense of the world. But through the lens of two people who had fallen in love despite everything. It was simply the love they couldn't see for all those years because they had been too busy asking the other to be someone they weren't. The distance had given them the space to decide who they wanted to become as opposed to becoming who they were told to be. So on the day when Jamie asked and pulled out a ring, Lydia didn't hesitate. Her heart sang and her soul expanded and she said yes, over and over again.
That was two years ago. At present, she can hear Jamie humming in the kitchen as he unboxes the glassware. They've just bought their first home. A small townhouse in Georgetown with a backyard. It had been meant for the dog but now, it would be for the child due in June. She smiles down at her stomach and gives it a brief tough. The baby kicks just long enough to receive recognition before nestling back into her.
Lydia looks back into the box and picks up her journal, the one with the pink cover and flowers scattered across the front. She knows this is the one. The one where she writes about how much she loves Jamie. She flips through the pages and the spot behind her stomach warms up at her own words. How fervently she wrote about loving someone unwilling to love her. It used to make her cringe. It felt embarrassing to have loved someone who didn't love her back at the time. But now she was strong. She was brave and she was courageous to have continued loving someone in spite of everything that stood in the way. She had learned how to love herself after all of this and only then did she see Jamie with fresh eyes. All those years ago, she gave love to someone she wanted to give it to and that was an act she was willing to do over and over again.
Perhaps the little bit of love that stayed with him is what brought them back to one another. She hoped it did. She hoped that he knew how much she cared and how much she wanted to see him shine. Despite seeing him daily, she still smiles when she sees his eyes light up in a photo. She laughs a little to herself when she gets flashes of old memories that point to a kinship she's never known otherwise.
Those memories don'tleave her and she's okay with that. They shaped her and gave her things shewould have never gotten otherwise. They led her here, to this moment in her newhouse where she hears the familiar sound of her husband putzing around thekitchen. That sound, that love brought her home to herself in a way she neverknew could happen. After so many years of asking to be enough, her love for himnow was effortless. It didn't ask anything of her and she never felt like shehad to give more of herself to gain it. She looks down at the journal onceagain, running her hand over the front cover with affection before packing itback in its box. There's no need to get caught up in the ghosts of memories
YOU ARE READING
I'll Be Seeing You
ChickLitLydia Barrows is a young college graduate with no real concept of who she is. Up until now she has done all the right things and followed the rules. She went to college, graduated and got a job. The only problem? She knows this job isn't right. She...
