LIABILITY - WILCO SOLANGELO

Ch. 16

Hey Zombies... look who's still alive! not me- I'm dead inside. Anyways I suddenly realised this is gonna become a suuuuper long fanfic (nah not really just longer than what I usually write) cause I've not even started the fluff... two more chapters of heartbreak pain and angst (cause I know you know you love it) and then on to some fluff.

WILL POV

Nico barely thought before shooting his question at me. He clearly had thought it through before hand and oh boy did it shock me. "Who's the first self harm patient you knew?" My breath caught and tears pushed to my eyes. I felt myself begin to panic and get lost in memories. My breathing was ragged and my heart was racing. Not a panic attack but nearly one. Like the ones I used to have. 

Nico reached out and took my hand. Even in the warm sunlight his hands were cold and brought me to reality. I had so much to say that I didn't want to. But I knew I should. I needed to get Nico's trust and I knew enough psychology to know the best way to win someone's trust is to trust them first. I took a shaky breath and began.

NICO POV 

I had agreed to the second trade only to learn more about Will Solace. He always seemed like the happiest chirpiest guy but suddenly I had realised some people are better at hiding emotions than others. In the flow of thoughts and emotions, he had mentioned knowing a self harm patient other than Percy and I wanted to know who. It seemed to have a lot to do with this sunshine who suddenly seemed more of a mystery than ever.

The moment Will agreed to a second deal, I asked my question, "Who's the first self harm patient you knew?" Will's face paled and he began trembling. His breathing was uneven and his eyes glazed over. In that moment, I almost regretted asking. And all the same, curiosity gnawed at me. What had happened that had elicited such a reaction from someone who usually hid his emotions so well?

Will's breathing was only worsening, a lot like the night before but worse. I gently took his hands in mine hoping it would calm him down. I held his hand, it was warm in mine but perhaps it was the fact that my hands were cold. They usually are.

Will seemed to calm down and his breathing relaxed. Then he paused a moment or two before speaking. "Felix King." I scanned for any memory of the name but I was fairly sure I had never heard it. As though reading my mind, Will said, "You've never met him, probably never heard of him. He wasn't popular. Wasn't important to most people. But for me, he was the world." Will wore a sad smile and I felt guilty for the pang of jealousy in my chest when Will called Felix his world. "He lived the life of every demi-god. Training, practicing, fighting. He sang in the campfire and participated in capture the flag. He blended in, no one would even bat an eyelash in his direction." When I reached camp, I was 11. Felix had already been here for 4 years, though he was only 12. He knew his way around and he was the one to guide me around. He was a son of the Hermes cabin, so, before I was claimed, I was living with him. We bonded immediately. He had a dark sense of humor that I would end up chuckling at and he had the craziest expressions. I liked him immediately and I guess I was his first friend at camp. He was always super protective over me. He always told me 'You're my only friend at camp, and I love that and I love you.' I guess, as an eleven year old, I never wondered how lonely 4 years alone at camp could be. I was eventually claimed and I shifted to the Apollo cabin but we were still thick as thieves. We'd sneak out in the middle of the night and do all sort of mischief. We'd never get caught. People always thought it was the Stolls perhaps or some other senior campers. Even then no one other than me, noticed the mischievous son of Hermes. I never wanted people to catch me, to laugh at my mischief but now I realise, Felix wanted nothing more than to be caught. He would surely be admired by the rest of the campers, they'd laugh at him and with him and they'd want him. But no one ever did. No one but me. And I guess that the one year younger little Apollo camper who adored him just wasn't enough." Will sniffled, tears running down his eyes and in the moment I saw not the 18 year old, Apollo counsellor but the 12 year old boy who thought he wasn't enough. Will continued, and as he spoke he became more agitated, "I was a child of Apollo, a healer. I should've known, should've noticed but I never did. I never asked him why he had bags under his eyes. I never asked him why he wore long sleeves. I never asked him why he snapped at me for pulling him by the wrist. And sometimes I would find him crying alone and he would never say why. But I would hug him and play with his hair and calm him down because I loved him. Back then I considered him a brother but years later, I realised I loved him more than that. And perhaps he did too. I like to believe I'm the reason he held on for as long as he did. That's what he said at least. In his suicide note." There was silence. Will's breathing was shallow and I didn't know what to say. The silence was broken when Will began speaking again. 

"I never knew. Chiron did though. He knew Felix self harmed and he was the first to know when Felix -you know- He called me. He knew Felix and I were close. He broke the news to me. He showed me the note and I cried. Felix promised me it wasn't my fault. He told me he loved me and  he was grateful I noticed him. But he simply had been uncared for too long. He had been lonely too long and he had been addicted too long. That's why depression and self harm is so ugly. Even when things turn up, it drags you back down. And I guess, even I couldn't convince him to stay. 

Then Chiron asked me if I want to see the dead body. He advised me against it but it was my decision at the end. So I went." He paused and he squeezed his eyes shut and I knew the images were flashing in his mind. I gave his hand a squeeze, to show I was there for him. And then he said my name for the first time as though he was finally addressing me and not just speaking to the air. As though he wanted to ensure I'm here. "Nico, it was bad. So bad. The cuts were fresh gaping wounds and there was so much blood. He was dead. His eyes had been shut but the blood was still pouring. The sheets, his clothes, everything was crimson. And all the time, the reminder echoed in my head. He had done this to himself. And it was too much to bear. If I hadn't seen it I would have wondered all my life creating an unfulfillable anguish but that sight still haunts me. It still gives me nightmares and panic attacks. And then of course, Chiron's policy came to play. Felix died battling a hellhound outside near the camp border. He killed it saving us all even though he came across it by accident. It hurt. The lies. The cover up. But I liked Chiron's explanation. I didn't want more campers hurting themselves. So I accepted it. During his funeral, Felix got the most attention he would have gotten in his life, but then he was forgotten again. New campers came and life went back to normal. For a while, I was bad. Terrible." Will winced in memory. "I even picked the blade once" he paused, frowning, almost angry at himself, "But I never did what he did because I couldn't cause my mom the pain he had caused me. The nightmares were bad. I barely slept. Then I overworked myself. I wouldn't eat. I was on the other side in infirmary at one point. I was on bed rest. Chiron tried to help me. He did till an extent. But nothing could erase the pictures and he'd just shake his head sadly because we both knew he could do nothing to help. That's when Michael Yew helped. He was amazing. He taught me everything I knew and took me under his wing. He repaired me. I started living life again. I made good friends but no one ever as close as Felix." I sensed Will was done with his story. He pulled his knees to himself and breathed heavily, his hand still in mine. He had run out of tears and just stared into space and I wanted to take all his pain away. To think he had hidden this all with a smile and corny jokes. There was so much more to my sunshine than I could have imagined. A few more minutes and I got fidgety. I didn't want to push Will to ask his question but at the same time I didn't want it to seem like I was avoiding it. He definitely had the right to ask me a question after how honest he had just been.

Slowly but surely Will composed himself and said with a fake smile, a fake smile I would have once believed, "My turn Neeks." His excitement was fake but I smiled for his sake. "Go on sunshine." His face brightened slightly with the nickname and he said, "My question from earlier. Are there more?" I wanted to lie. I had been doing it for so long but I owed it to him. Completely. And I wanted to trust him. He had trusted me after all. "Yeah. Some on my thigh, quite a few on my stomach." He nodded. "Can I see them?" He asked. He didn't push for answers. He made me feel safe enough to say yes. Slowly I rolled my t-shirt showing my stomach. I looked away. He was a brilliant medic and identifying fresh wounds was a piece of cake for him. I couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes now that I knew it reminded him of his past. I knew it hurt him every time. Gently, he took my hand, letting the t-shirt roll down. "You're worth so much more than this. You don't deserve the pain. You are one of the braves people I know, Neeks. Percy went to hell with Annabeth but you did it alone and people tend to forget that. But I don't. I never can. I can't force you for anything but take it as a request, a plea even, talk to me Neeks. Trust me. I care about you so much. And so do, Jason and Percy. I know people get intimidated. People can be quick to judge. But people can also be accepting and I hope you can learn to trust us. We're here to help you, Neeks." I felt a warmth spread through me as though someone had wrapped my soul in a warm hug. Maybe today I wouldn't self harm. Maybe not even tomorrow. Will's words just had that effect on me.

He continued, "Now, we need to be heading for breakfast. Then we can speak to Jason and Percy. I need to check Percy and you can talk to him too. It is your decision at the end, but I highly recommend you speak to Percy and Jason about your self harm. Together you and Percy can surely recover. You're the strongest demigods I know. I also know Percy is getting better. Until yesterday he was over 2 months clean." My eyes widened noticably. I barely managed 2 weeks and that was with all the effort in the world. Noticing my reaction Will said, "And you can get there too. It will take time but we'll do it together." He reached out a hand and I took and together we walked to breakfast.