LIABILITY - WILCO SOLANGELO

Ch. 24

WILL POV DAY 1 IN THE INFIRMARY

I let Nico grab stuff from his cabin and told him to come down to the infirmary once he was done. Meanwhile, I cleared out one of the small private rooms for Nico. If he'd been there for 3 days he was going to be super irritable and besides - check up would probably mean his scars are on display and that wasn't something that would work. Once I tidied the room up and made a basic plan of the tests I'd run for Nico, I decided to grab some flowers too. Just to brighten up the room. Eventually, Nico turned up and he definitely had spent all the time just procrastinating because all he had in hand was a small book, pencils, a monster proof phone and ear phones. And of course in a tiny backpack - clothes for three days. I let him keep them in the mini cupboard in the room and only then did I notice - Nico hadn't got his jacket on. Instead he was wearing a full sleeved tshirt with dalmations all over it. Nico finished placing his things ever so precariously before hopping onto the bed. I also noticed his usual boots had been forsaken for furry flip flops and when he sat on the bed I could see his socks had dogs all over them. Nico caught me staring at him and cleared his throat, "Like what you see?" I tried my best to be unfazed as I winked and said, "Dalmations are really your thing." His ears turned red and he threw the lone pillow on his bed at me. "Heyyyy. Do you really think I live in a leather jacket all day. I love it but it gets insanely uncomfotable. Besides what's wrong with Dalmations. Dad had Cerebrus down in the Underworld and he's soooo cute."  (IK IK CEREBRUS ISN'T A DALMATION. I'M JUST GETTING THE DOG VIBE AND TBH DALMATIONS ARE THE DOGS FOUND MOST ON CLOTHES)

I smiled at the adorable boy before me. Who knew Nico di Angelo was a dog person? A bit of small talk, teasing and flirting later, I said, "C'mon di Angelo let's get the check ups done. I'm gonna do them anyways but if you tell me the major issues it'll be a lot easier."

Nico seemed to consider before relenting - "My sword shoulder has been used and abused so it's permanently sore - doesn't help that I still keep training all day when I shouldn't be." I tutted in disapproval. "Hey c'mon Solace, where do you think these muscles come from?" He flexed his muscles as a joke but the rippling muscles got my breath stuck in my throat. Nico didn't seem to realise as he continued. "Then I have a limp. I meesed up my hip at some point on the run. It's kind of a nagging pain I've gotten used to so I can bear it. And the werewolf scratches on my chest - you had treated them in all the chaos but I may have accidentally ripped them open again. Of course, nothing I couldn't fix but those cuts are kind of stubborn." To say this made me concerned would be an understatement. And the fact that he mentioned these insane injuries so casually made me wonder how many smaller ones he considered insignificant.

"Strip neeks."

His eyes widened and he seemed to curl into himself as he shook his head vigorously. "No. Absolutely no way you're seeing all my scars. No way you're seeing me naked. Not happening. No." My heart sank as I realised how insecure he was. I slowly sat beside him. He was practically quivering from the outburst. "Neeks - wouldn't your rather it be me than someone else? I'll close the room and no one else will see your scars. And I've already seen them when you shadow travelled." His eyes widened again. He started mumbling again mixing between English and Italian in a chaotic panic that scared me. I slowly held his arm and forced him to meet my gaze - there were tears in his eyes. His breathing was uneven. I focused on my own breathing emphasising my inhalations and exhalations so Nico could feel them and naturally follow. It was a trick Felix used to use if I was ever crying inconsolably. I smiled softly. Sometimes I got so cuaght up in the negatives I forget how beautiful a friendship we had. And that was it and perhaps that was all it was destined to be. Looking at Nico convinced me of that. I had finally moved on and I would do everything in my power to help him.

"Please Nico. For me. Just your shirt first yeah?" Nico hesitated and stared at me for a long minute. I held the gaze with what I hoped was a comforting smile. Slowly he pulled off his full sleeves t-shirt and I all but gasped. Yes, I had seen him naked earlier but I hadn't seen the extent of his scars before coach Hedge covered him up. I bent down to where Nico sat on the bed and almost instinctively I traced the scars on his arms and stomach. I was stuck between crying and admiring the beauty of the raised scars. And somewhere in that my breath got caught in my throat so that I let out a pathetic choked sound. I looked up at Nico to see him already looking at me with a look hard to discern. I stood up and cleared my throat ready to get professional and check the real issues when Nico spoke, "How? How do you look at the scars and not flash back? How do you see my protruding ribs and yet chubby belly and not think I'm ugly? How do you look at these ugly marks and not feel disgusted? Instead you look at them like they're something dear to you that you've lost. Why are you so calm about this?" I crouched back to Nico's level, looked him dead in the eyes and replied with every bit of sincerity in my body. 

"The scars on your body don't make me flash back. Because every time I see them on your breathing living body I know life has given me a second chance to save what I couldn't the last time and I'm so grateful for that. Nico, you're not ugly. You're beautiful and I know it's hard to see sometimes but you are. And yeah your ribs are protruding. And that is because you don't eat enough. But everyone makes mistakes and it's about learning from them. And you are learning slowly and getting better and I'm so so proud of you for that. As for your self harm scars, they aren't pretty. But who said they were ugly. They're battle scars. They're times when you fought against yourself and were brave enough to keep going. And yes Nico every time I see one of those scars I will think of something I've lost. I will remember Felix. I will think about the times you struggled. I will think about how hurt you are. And it does hurt me. But I also know these scars won't magically go away and we just need to work on not making new ones. These are proof you struggled and survived and I want to get you out of this struggle."

Nico's voice when he replied was quiet and child-like, "But Will, I wasn't brave enough to keep going. Three times sunshine. Three times. Sometimes it feels like I'm not worth it anymore. Dad won't agree but he has ghosts watching over me the entire time fearing a relapse. Coach hedge is always checking on me. I'm a burden to them. They shouldn't have to worry about me. I feel like if I end it all, I'm making it easier for so many people."

My head hurt hearing this. And my heart. And my throat hurt from the tears unshed. Nico looked at me and his eyes held a sort of fear and vulnerability I hadn't seen before. He seemed scared I'd hate him because he admitted he was suicidal. I took his hand in mine and sat cross legged on the bed beside him turning him to face me. "Neeks, your Dad checks on you because he loves you. Coach Hedge treats you like a son. Jason and Percy can't live without you. They're always asking me about you to check if you're okay. Hazel loves you to bits and all the same she looks up to you too. Leo considers you to be his best friend from what I understand and if the five minute conversation I heard was too go by, he cares about you a hell lot. Bianca may not have made it but do you think she would have wanted you to quit so easily. Think of it. These people who care about you are rely on you are in turn depended upon by other people. Losing you would be like a tidal wave. It would absolutely crush the ones who love you and well the sorrow only spreads there on. Killing yourself isn't making anyone's life better but it's ruining the life of every person who cares about you. You have no clue how it feels Neeks- It makes you feel so worthless because every moment there on you think of how you could have done something and you didn't. It eats you up from the inside. Tell me angel, Heaven forbid, if Percy were to even think of something along these lines, how would you react? Then why can't you treat yourself the same?"

"But I'm not Percy Will. I'm not as brave, as important, as charming, as kind, as handsome. Hell I can't compare with him in anything." Nico's short outburst left his gasping for air. Quickly, I held Nico's hand and began deep breathing on counts to help him even his breathing. He was still hiccupping for breath and tears streamed down his face but he seemed better. 

"Nico. Listen to me. And I beg you trust me. Why would I lie to you? You are perhaps the most beautiful boy I know. You are funny, handsome, cute and so so important to so many people. You're braver than you think you are and you're smarter than you give yourself credit for. Being around you puts a permanent smile on my face. I care about you Nico, more than I express, more than I have words for. You're special to me so so so special and honestly losing you is my biggest fear. I can't stand the thought. I can't handle the pain and I can't bear the thought of seeing Percy drowing, Jason gasping for air through the tears, Annabeth losing her mind because of you, Hazel losing her smile because of you. I can't imagine Leo's fire dampened by tears or Piper's beauty dulled by grieving. I can't see Reyna's bravery collapse in mourning or Coach Hedge's lively spirit falter. The very thought of it breaks me and it's a thought you should always keep with you. I'm always here. Day, night, snow, sun - I'm here for you to talk to. Because you mean so much to me angel,"

Nico just nodded slowly. Like he was accepting and processing the information. The he said, "C'mon let's get on with the check up."