minty-haired devil - beta lumity

luz's problems (prelude)

Luz's POV

It was really late. Really fucking late. Luz messed up big time. She lashed out at Amity, yelled obscenities towards her with disgust, struck her.

She was running down the road, but she stayed at her original spot, the never ending road continuously expanding. She was moving, she knew she was moving, she had been running for hours. But no progress was made. It was a cycle of torture.

Her actions felt like it wasn't hers. Her mind was slowly losing it's connection to Luz, her sickening hands were numb and losing warmth. She regrets everything. Amity means more to Luz than the world. The world is nothing compared to Amity. She is more than a person. She is her freedom, her joy.

Such a fucking idiot. Why didn't she stop?

It didn't feel like she was in control. Like it was her actions - her thought process. But it's too late to dawdle on it. The best thing Luz can do now is go and get something to show she's sorry. She could cut out her liver, give Amity a piece of herself, an eye, and chunk of her flesh. Surely that would equal out the damage she had done to her.

Luz wasn't a monster. She knew she wasn't! If anything, Luz thought of herself as a pretty nice guy. So what if she got a little bit hurt. It's okay! Luz can go and fix it! She can keep on fucking up as long as she keeps on fixing it.

She kept on walking. And walking. It was 2:34am. It had to be. But that didn't matter, in fact, nothing mattered anymore. The violent sweat dripped down from all over and her filthy hands were basked in blood and bruises that kept on spreading.

It was a disease, an infection that consumed its host by the second. God, this was going to end up consuming and killing her.

But what else could she do?

Run back home? What even is home at this point. Luz had no home. If she had to chose one, it would be Amity. Amity was Luz's home. Not anymore. But that doesn't matter.

Like she already said, nothing matters anymore. Luz doesn't need any of these problems in her life. She doesn't need to deal with it, she can keep ignoring them and avoiding them until they inevitably consume her. But that's a problem for the future.

Her strides became larger meanwhile her breaths became sharper and shorter. Just keep on moving. By now she must have been walking for hours. And in this time, Luz reflected on many things. Like herself. And oh my god, Luz really realised how much she fucking hates herself.

'I'm going to fail if I try so why try in the first place?' This is her mindset since as long as she remembers, and it's true, why would you bother if you know you're going to fail? It makes sense doesn't it. Apparently not to others. Apparently it's just a cheap excuse to be lazy and slack off. A reason to not try at anything. But that's not true. There is never a moment when Luz hasn't been trying, if anything she tries too hard.

Trying too hard for others' attention. For validation. To be looked at. But instead she's called lazy. Someone with no motivation. What do you mean no motivation, just because she doesn't study, or work, or take up new things. That doesn't mean she isn't trying, it's just there are better things to spend time and energy on.

She let out a soft laugh. How sad is this? She's talking to herself and trying to prove she isn't a useless piece of shit.. to herself. Luz sighed.

To add to all of.. this, she isn't particularly pretty to look at either. That's not being mean to yourself, it's just a true fact. Hell, if anything there's really no good looking aspects about her. When she really took the time to think about it, she noticed how lucky she was that anybody had liked her in the first place. Why is she so tall? Why can't she be shorter. Hair. Luz hates her hair. Such an ugly colour, an ugly hair type, an ugly hair style.

The only times shes has ever gone "I look good today" is never. Sitting by the mirror for hours, fixing her hair, trying to put on makeup, it doesn't matter. Any time she thinks she looks decent she notices she's just being stupid. Most nights Luz checks herself out in the mirror. Not because she's pretty, because well if it hasn't been established already, she isn't. But to see if she looks fatter. And every night Luz could swear on everything she loves that she does get fatter.

It's just unfair.

She felt her throat begin to swell up and her eyes slowly began watering. Not now Luz. Get a grip. Luz rubbed her nose with the back of her hand and kept on walking. Just keep moving.

-

Days has passed. Luz hasn't stopped walking. This was hell, it must be. Was it a punishment? Was that it? Whatever, it doesn't fucking matter.

Nothing in life is promised except death.

Freedom? A made up idea. Joy? Temporary. Amity? Gus? Willow? All just people. Nothing more and nothing less.

Her heart began to ache more and more. Her words didn't come out, rather they slipped and sank. Her mind wasn't her own. Nothing belonged to Luz anymore. Her hands are cold and covered in the warm filth of others. Her eyes are numb and exhausted beyond belief. Not even Luz's thoughts were hers. Nothing she thought, felt, or said was true.

God. If you truly do exist. If you do. Please just kill me.

Does she even have a real reason for living? Gus and Willow surely can't actually like her. They must hate her, why wouldn't they? There's nothing to like about her, after all, Luz would know, she has to live with herself everyday. She doesn't deserve to be here, in this world. Everyone knows it. All she knows how to do is get mad at herself for something and then take it out on others when any help is offered. It isn't even her fault. Help isn't something Luz can take. You can't trust people, everything can and will be used against you.

Luz dug her dirt filled nails deep into her palm. Don't cry. You aren't weak. Luz took deep breaths in order to try and shut the flood gates back up, but they kept on rising. Why is she so pathetic? Why can't she just die already? So what if she is just a brat, a baby, a bitch. Can't God grant one wish?

Luz slipped. She landed on her back and didn't get up. Instead she covered her face with those vile hands of hers and began to quietly sob. Her arms were weighted and she was fumbling around with her fingers trying to wipe the overflowing of tears, but she couldn't. She couldn't find the strength to hold her hands. Her frustration grew with her lack of competence. She's losing control of everything, even her own body. She curled up her hands into fists and began desperately hitting herself in the chest with it, releasing them to grip onto her bloodstained shirt as if she were about to fall into an ocean.

"I'm sorry." Luz mumbled between broken cracks to herself.

-

A cold lingering feeling clawed its way up Luz's back and she immediately shot up from her bed in a cold sweat. She was panting for air, exhaustion completely swept over Luz like a typhoon. Amity. Luz turned her head in every direction, scanning for the dark green shade that Willow had. And it was there.

She didn't process her environment, her dream, everything. Instead she just sat there, eyes widened for a solid minute before those flood gates finally burst into multiple ugly sobs. Ugly, quiet sobs. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. Thank you. Thank you God.

She sighed and began wiping her eyes until they became puffy and red. Never in her life has this happened to her. Why would she even dream about something like that? Amity is the absolute love of her life. Why would she dream about beating her half to death?

Luz quietly got up from her bed and headed towards the kitchen. She felt her heart being pulled on, the only thing that could save her from this headache is some coffee. There was no way she was going to sleep after that nightmare.

so that was a bit of a weird chapter lol. it felt really dull compared to all the other chapters but this was just like a prequal to the next one.

luz angst deserves more recognition!!!!

but yeah this chapter majority was just like a fucked up dream she had, but the important bit was like how she hates herself and that boring stuff

anyways actual chapter coming up straight after this one so should be no delay.

EDIT: THERE WAS DELAY LOL

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