Learning and Coping

13

I wonder what my father would think about how my life has turned out. I mean... I don't think he'd be happy, and I certainly haven't made him proud. I can't leave my house; I've gone back to doing the one thing I hated most about my life... I have completely isolated myself, but this time... This time it was my decision, which makes the matter so much worse. I hope he can forgive me. I wish I could forgive him.

Giving someone forgiveness isn't easy, but knowing that I will never be able to know how my father feels about anything in my life makes accepting that fact harder. I would rather struggle for his forgiveness than know that I will never get it. I wish he was here now to help me with this. I have so many questions, and so few answers. Just knowing that he was around, that he understood, would be better than this.

I've considered answering the phone when Vale calls next... Is that a good idea? Maybe not, but I don't think I can think about being forgiven by my father, if I won't even consider forgiving my sister. Vale isn't the one who hurt me, she just made things worse sometimes. She didn't realize how awful Mother was to me, or her. It wouldn't be fair to give her a chance now that Mother is gone, and has no control over her.

Posted: Feb. 2023

Written by: VC