Nobody Gets Me.

37

"i think we should just get married." onika walked in her room as i was getting ready for work. she had been in her office all morning helping her mother with planning her birthday. they'd been on video chat all day because momma had to be at work and couldn't come over like she usually does.

her bursting in here saying that really confused me so i just stared at her. she did the same, staring at me with an unbothered look. getting married isn't bad but we just may need a little more time. maybe if i hadn't made the mistake i made, we would be married already. but i don't even think she trusts me 100% again. i'm trying to be fully ready for everything involving marriage. especially because i want it to be forever. of course she's who i wanna marry though.

"onika...." i mumbled pulling my pants up. i'm not sure if this will upset her or not but... i would hope not. she's usually understanding of some things. heavy on the some. so i don't want her to feel any type of way. "i don't think we're ready for that, love."

"and why do you think that? we don't have anything that could mess us up. you don't conversate with that guy and i don't have lauren in the picture anymore.... i think it would be amazing."

"me too. i just think we have some work to do with building trust back."

"you trust me...right?"

"yea i trust you. you've never given me a reason not to. but i've given you one... do you trust me?"

she slumped her shoulders looking at me with a pout. see? she didn't even answer the question.

"I do trust you bey... you wouldn't be here right now if i didn't."

"yea you trust me, but is it enough to fully commit and vow to me? we're not even in a relationship yet onika."

"because you! you don't want to." she flopped on the bed making me sigh. lord. now she know i wanna be with her, i don't even know why she would say something like that. i'm the reason we're even trying this again. if it weren't for my delusion, we would be in two different settings right now. she would most likely be ignoring me still and i would be crying inside. "i'm tired of this, i wanna be together again."

"are you positive?"

"bey you said that if i still felt this way some time after i first brung it up, we could. it's been some time and i still do. if you don't want to, tell me now and i'll leave you alone." she stood back up staring at me. i didn't say anything, just sighed buttoning up my pants. i'm gonna be so late and i don't like that.

"onika-"

"forget it." she threw her arms up and walked away. it made me sigh before quickly grabbing my heels and trying to follow behind her. girl was moving fast as hell, acting like she didn't hear me calling after her. by time i'd caught up, she closed the office door on me and locked it. i stomped my foot with a whine before knocking.

"open the door baby." i pleaded still knocking softly. after a couple minutes of standing there, i realized she wouldn't be opening the door. so i groaned knocking one last time. "i'm sorry if i upset you...can we talk when i get back?..... please?"

still no response and i didn't want to leave without hearing her voice again.

"i love you." i spoke a bit loud so she could for sure hear me. but when she didn't reply, i felt my heart break a bit. the last thing i wanted was to make her feel like i didn't want to be with her. that's something i've been wanting for four years now. i'm fucking up.

i've been in meetings back to back since i got here. finally, i can leave, but i'm sort of scared. it's like 10pm, and i'm on my way back to onikas house. something in me felt like she wouldn't want to see me. onika is that type of person. make her mad, don't show your face for a little bit. but i also don't want her to think i'm running away from something that i most likely want more than she thinks.