Scars

Part 5

Now I know for sure that he's trying to be playful as his enchanting smile on his face grew bigger. He's about to tease me with his charms as he knows all my soft spots for him. "Look Y/n, I know I've made tons of mistakes before but you know well I care about you! I may not have offered you what you deserve or what you wanted but I loved you as well as I could. I'm very bad at talking about feeling, you damn know it, I destroy everything that's pure around me and I'm terribly bad at showing love and compassion. I'm very aware of that. I don't deserve your love and the affection that you give to me and have given through all those years, but as the selfish bastard that I am I still want you. I just screw things up, I know! Don't have to remind me, the blame it's only on me. But damn it how I've missed you these past three months" He was again too close. His scent was intoxicating and I was hooked. Damn it! His low and raspy voice was hypnotic and my first impulse out of necessity or self defense was to run. To run as fast as I could. But my legs were numb. He can play with me like a puppet on a string and he does that with some sort of power that I can't seem to comprehend. Suddenly a bitter feeling was creeping up my mind and I remembered something as I whispered: " How can you have the guts to stay in my face and lie to me like that when as soon as our relationship no not our relationship, our ENGAGEMENT, was over you ran into your ex-girlfriend arms? Are you trying to stir old flames to life honey? Didn't you catch her cheating with one of the musicians you were producing music for? And the best thing you can come up with is I -still -care- about- you. That's kind of old, baby.Seriously!" As my patience has run dry and memories of Yoongi with his ex-girlfriend eating at the same restaurant in Seoul where we used to eat together I started to become considerably annoyed and angry. The reality hit me hard and it brought me out of my trance and I was beginning to feel the pain and the anger. And the humiliation of being lied to gnawed on me dramatically. He did not have a good reason to return to her after he himself had been humiliated by her. Other than that he still cared about her.

How could he do this? We were engaged and I've given all that I could but have had nothing given in return but humiliation. I've seen him at his worst. I held his hand through all his pain and anguish and still I was the one with constant pain and internal struggles and battles just to heal his pain, his scars from the past. This apparently meant nothing to him because as soon as I ended the relationship he was back to his old girlfriend.

"Don't take this personally! I swear I didn't do this to insult you or our relationship. As cliche as it sounds she means nothing to me. I indeed was hurt and humiliated by her but after we broke up I just wanted to bury my sorrow with someone as heartless and miserable as me." I merely smiled and said :" really Yoongi? She means nothing to you? You think I'm stupid enough to believe that? You know very well that through all the treats you and I dated I was extremely loyalty. I am a very loyal person and I don't just date people for fun.you were my first serious relationship and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I am loyal but best believe I ain't stupid! That witch used you for money. You dated her when you were at your lowest and what did she do? Cheated on you with a complete stranger. And still despite all of this humiliation you run into her arms? You never stop to amaze me Yoongi! You are extremely intelligent but sometimes I really can't comprehend how you think." He doesn't show emotions most of the time but right at that moment I knew he was trying to keep up a game face. He seemed annoyed and angry . His steps were cautious but slowly like a feline he walked towards me and closed the little gap between us. If he was close before so close that I could smell his perfume, now our noses were touching. "How can you blame me so easily? Need a reminder baby that the one who walked away from me was you? I admit I needed a lesson to not take you for granted but I made myself pretty clear that I didn't want us to break up. "

My voice was matching his and I was whispering to him as my eyes held his gaze. His gaze could easily melt icebergs: "I didn't walk away to teach you a lesson. I walked away because I finally learned mine , baby." Even though inside myself I felt very fragile and insecure like a little scared girl, I knew I had to keep up this game face and pretend to be unaffected and in control.

The tension between us was palpable and almost touching my lips on his he whispers back: "And what lesson did you learn princess?"

"That I need to be around people who actually care about me. That I need to improve my self esteem and get rid of self doubt in case something bad happens and stop blaming myself all the time. From time to time it's okay to put myself first and learn to say no when I need to. I learn to make myself a priority Yoongi. In the past three years you were my only concern. I only focused on you, on your well-being and trying to help you cope with your traumatic past. You know damn well that I am an extremely empathic person and I know how it feels to suffer and to live a miserable life full of anxiety. I love helping people. Damn it I even made this as my daily job, to help people and make people happy but honey I expected more from you. You were the person that was supposed to be by my side for the rest of my life. I do want my fiancé to show appreciation from time to time. Not to doubt your feelings for me. With you was like a carousel of emotions: now I thought you really like me and the next day you give me the cold shoulder. So yes Yoongi I've learned an important lesson! " Our noses touched and his lips continued to brush against mine as my anger grew more intense because flashbacks of Yoongi being with his ex-girlfriend resurfaced in my mind. Almost aggressively I pushed him away and got back in the kitchen.