Scars

Part 6

Since I saw him last week the days have been a living hell. I was an emotional wreck but as usual I'm not showing it and I'm just trying to occupy myself with work. When My close friend Mina asked me if I'm fine, if something happened to me, my answer was pretty short and simple: "Yes, I'm fine and truly well. Don't worry!" But I could tell that she wasn't buying it. She knew that I was choosing to stay in denial and trying my best to not let my feelings for Yoongi take over me. Pushing away the thoughts that maybe breaking up with him was a big mistake consumed me and I was putting so much energy in trying to avoid my feelings of vulnerability and anger. I was angry that I still love him. At work things were going well but when I'm home by myself I am an emotional wreck and it was very difficult to fall asleep. In the past three months since I broke up with Yoongi I was really struggling with insomnia. I just threw myself into work hoping that I will forget about him and hoping that I'm going to be so tired when I get back home but as tired as I am it's extremely frustrating that I can't get back into a healthy sleeping schedule. Things got worse after my encounter with Yoongi last week since we almost kiss. Every time I was trying to fall asleep, flashbacks of Yoongi kissing me haunted my mind. So today I invited my best friend Mina to sleepover. She was my closest friend and we were colleagues at work. She is like me, an extrovert in public but not in private. In private both she and I are the kind of people that like to chill on a sofa in front of the tv and talk about life issues. We do have a lot of acquaintances but when it comes to true friends we only have each other. We trust one another because of many years of friendship that proved to us that we can confide in each other.
"I really feel like a stuffed turkey. Man, I ate way too much! I regret my decisions now! Why didn't you stop me?" Mina was looking at me like it was my fault that she ate too much. We sat on the floor in front of the tv while some k-drama was playing in the background.
"I can't move dear because I ate way too much! You didn't try to stop me either so we are even." I Said that with a lazy smile on my lips. My mind was split in a million places and I was jumping from thought to thought like a lunatic. It was like a condition of tangential thinking because I was overthinking some irrelevant details of the past few days that were not essential to my conversations with Mina. Mina kept asking me about work or about my parents back home in Sweden and while I was trying to give her relevant answers my thoughts kept drifting back when I met Yoongi at the party.
"Okey honey what's wrong with you? I know somethings going wrong and I had a guess about it the past few days but now I'm sure that it's about " cold face". So spit it out". "Cold face" was the nickname that Mina gave to Yoongi due to his lack of expressing feeling while talking to other people. It was fair to say that Min Yoongi was not on her list of most likable people.
"-Why do you say that?" I asked with a tone of disbelief.
"-dear I just asked you about your parents anniversary party and your answer was he said he was over his ex and then he got back to her just a week after our break-up. Now either way you're schizophrenic and this is one of the symptoms or you're talking about "cold face" and your thoughts are completely somewhere else". I sighed loudly as frustration was running high through my veins. I was way too tired from all the anxiety and overthinking from the past week and maybe confessing my worries to Mina was going to help me to realize some of the tension.
"-I met Yoongi at the party that we organized last week. I maybe, probably, perhaps or most certainly may be still in love with him. Even though he hurt my feelings multiple times, oh God way too many times that I forgot to count long ago, he still can break me apart, he still can make me melt just by making a simple gesture. I hate myself for that Mina. I was trapped by fear and was way too afraid to admit it out loud but this it's making me crazy." At this point I was just hoping that talking to my best friend would make me feel lighter but at the same time my rational side of the brain was telling me that not saying this out loud would decrease the chances of making it real. I could not take it anymore. My rational thinking was now too weak to chase away my emotions
"-Mina, I really am afraid to say this out loud cause you know, maybe if I don't say it out loud it's not true, but damn it I'm still crazy about him. I feel like I'm an addicted person and I just can't get him out of my mind. "
Mina looked at me with an empathetic smile and softly said: "dear he was your fiancé. Your fiancé for Lord's name! He was your first love so it's natural to still have strong feelings for him. I know that you,being the control freak that you are, desperately need to forget him just like that in a blink of an eye. But darling we're talking about feelings here. It's not something that can be or should be strategically avoided or planned like you plan your schedule for work. You can't say :*Tomorrow morning at 6 o'clock I'm going to completely forget about Min Yoongi. Or tomorrow at noon I'm going to completely ignore my feelings for Min Yoongi." Feeling can't be controlled or planned in the same way that you plan a wedding or a party Y/N!"
Due to work or maybe due to the fear of making mistakes I was quite obsessed with planning ahead things. I always thought that having different plans would solve problems and minimize the chances of making mistakes. This was one of the few things that me and Yoongi have in common. But this only brought more conflicts because he didn't trust anybody other than himself to solve things and he was low-key bossing people around,including myself, just because he was a control freak.
"It would have been easy if I could have been able to apply the same control strategy that I have at work in this context. Why does love have to be this complicated? I can't help feeling that it's my fault for catching feelings for him.
I knew right from the start that he won't allow himself to fall deeply in love with me because of his traumatic experiences, he will always be scared of being trapped in a situation that he cannot control. And as you said, feelings can't be controlled." Mina's ability to understand and empathize with me was beyond anything and I did nourish her friendship because in moments like this when I was confused and scared she would be by my side and assure me with an embrace that time will solve everything! She was giving me one of her well known bear hugs and said:" you know only time will magically heal the wounds. But you damn know that it requires optimism and trust that everything will be okay. I can stay here and babble nonsense about love deception and how all men are pigs but honestly this isn't going to help. I know it's your first time having trouble regarding relationships but trust me next time be careful with whom you let start a fire in your heart. This fire it's supposed to warm your heart and give you butterflies in your stomach not to burn your heart and destroy it. Even though the person who destroyed it it's insanely hot and handsome..." We both bursted into laughter. It was so typical of Mina to tell a joke after a serious advice.