Y\N it's a captivating and compassionate soul who it's very dedicated to her job. She is an event planner and a pretty famous one in Seoul because of the amount of the celebrity parties that she planned. Her romantic life was a bit tormented as she...
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Lately my thoughts have been running wild in my mind. I was spending a lot of time thinking about how paradoxically life is. Yesterday I was finally able to answer Yoongi's message. It was a simple confirmation that he's right ,we need to move on, and a sincere wish for happiness for both of us. His message surely made me think how I feel about our relationship. It was that damn seesaw comparison that made me think how little control over my life I had while dating him. He was always the one that took too much control and I was always in the seesaw seat that was in the air. He thought that maybe this accommodation will result in me feeling safe with a strong and in control partner. But paradoxically, I've always felt weak and insecure. Unable to express my true feelings. Being unable to find equilibrium to the seat of the seesaw, I felt like an unloved little child.
I was indeed happy while I was engaged with Yoongi, but at the same time I've never felt so sad and torn inside in my whole life. He didn't hate me, but he didn't show me love either. And I wanted to change that. I really need someone who can show me love. Show me so much love until I feel it in my bones and pores. I need a change. Then why was I able to turn Yoongi into a comfortable habit so easily ? I craved love so much but I ended up spending the last three years of my life with a man who didn't show any affection towards me.
Even now ,after I decided to leave Yoongi's house to move back to my own apartment and call off the engagement , I'm still asking myself why he kept doing this? Why was he so cold towards me and so willing to show no emotion especially when we were in public. I knew that his status as an idol didn't allow him to be near me in public, but it was the same even when we were with very close friends or family.
I guess all this was my fault. I should stop questioning myself why and try instead to figure out why I was allowing him to treat me this way. My insides and my actions when I was with him were in total contradiction. I felt hurt and angry that even his own dog received more attention from him than I got. But on the outside it was my duty to just shut up and be pretty. And be happy. Like,all the time. He wasn't receptive to listen to what I have to say about my feelings or the way he makes me feel . "You're acting weird today baby! I like you better when you smile!" That was his answer to my attempt at starting a serious conversation about my hurt feelings.
Min Yoongi himself was a walking paradox. Even though he was having a cold behavior almost all the time he loved to be around positive and happy people . He likes to surround himself with engaging and gregarious people while he himself it's a reserved and emotionally distant person.
I understand him. From the pieces of the stories told by his family and friends, he was once a loving and positive person himself. But he suffered way too much and his dark past including alcohol problems, self harm and self medication left him unable to trust people around him. He was already healing when I met him, so I never truly knew that side of him . It surfaced once in a while. Glimpses of old depression and traumatic memories were clearly visible when he was getting drunk. Only then was I able to see a partially vulnerable Yoongi. And I shamelessly admit that I was happy, somehow. He would give me the warmest hugs and kisses while he was drunk. And confess about how traumatic his past experiences were. But it was never enough to make me know him deeper on an emotional level. Because he would soon fall asleep in my arms and the next morning I was welcomed again by a very grumpy man.
