Scars

Part 9

"I just need us to talk! You just left without saying too much. I get it you have your reasons but I just want one last chance to explain some things and of course you decide then if you wanna end things for good with me. If you still want me out of the picture after that, then that's cool! I wanna end things without regrets without messy feelings or messy breakup. We are not teenagers anymore Y/N! I think we should act like adults because we were engaged. It wasn't just a casual relationship without any expectations to last in the future. "

His eyes were unreadable like always and his stone-faced expression was present. Even though his words were maybe trying to convey his emotions and feelings his face stayed cold and detached. It was exactly this kind of numbness that made me wanna scream and cry and beg him to show me something . I would rather have him screaming at me than give me the cold shoulder. It was this behavior that made him stop connecting with me on an emotional level. Even though he may have tried to trust me ,he would always end up showing his cold side. That's maybe because of the fear of leaving himself vulnerable to betrayal.

"Funny how you wanna talk now. Yoongi, I am at that point where I don't want to force communication with you anymore. I've been trying to talk to you since God knows when. You want to talk with me? That's cool, I guess we somehow owe to each other to end things properly like "adults" as you say. And if you don't want to talk that's chill too cause honey I'll be just fine with or without our discussions that ends up in a bad fight. Fight with myself of course cause you ignore all my feelings and arguments when we have our "discussions ". " But I guess we can have another one of our empty conversations that holds no weight just because you're afraid to show feelings or to talk about feelings."

Yoongi was now slowly walking towards me until he was so close that I again was able to smell his cologne. The hard expression of the silent gaze that he was giving to me was enough to make me stop talking. "I just want to tell you that you need to make me understand why you chose to go and end things like that. I am sorry if I made you think that I was negligent with your feelings, but at the same time I thought that you're mature enough to understand why I am like that, why I don't show feelings. I do have my vices, my bad past and my bad attitude. I'm not a perfect person,but I'm pretty sure that love isn't supposed to be perfect and everything is not supposed to be on cloud nine like in some cheap kdrama. You just need to be willing to fight to make it work ,but I guess you need a certain level of maturity to understand this. I cannot say that this comes with age, it doesn't. It requires bad experiences to happen to you and princess, your life's been nothing but perfect until now. Until you found the bad guy who came to destroy a good girl like you. " he continued to talk as he backed me up against my car again and gave me a cold and dark laugh as his beautiful cat- like eyes began to look at me with anger. "I never understood this whole shit about labeling someone as a "bad guy ". What the heck does that mean? If someone it's confident in telling the truth, if someone it's a bold person with flaws and accepts it then immediately that makes them the "bad ones". Damn the society with their stupid conformist attitude and unspoken rules. ..So if you really want to talk princess, please stop playing the judgmental moral policeman with me. And then maybe we're going to sort things out."

My mind was cloudy again because of his closeness, his cologne, his stare that made my knees go weak and his voice that was so deep and raspy that my heartbeats were going crazy. Moments like this made me feel like a little scared girl who's left alone in the dark to fight with all the monsters. It was moments like this when I was feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I knew I just triggered some bad memories from his teenage years when people looked down at him because of his family's poverty. He hates when people think of him as "the bad guy". I knew that he heard about how my friends and acquaintances were talking about how bad he is for me, how a good girl like me deserves someone who treats me better. I remember one time when Yoongi got drunk and we had a big fight about how some of my friends keep saying that he's bad for me. He then admitted that this reminds him of the high school days when the rich kids bullied him and made fun of him for wanting to become a famous musician. He said that he despises people who try to convince him to settle down for little and try to convince him that he doesn't deserve better. I knew very well that most of my friends were just jealous. I mean ,dating Min Yoongi from BTS was indeed a big deal so of course they were discussing our relationship. The only opinion that counts for me it's Mina's because I knew that she really cared about me and she was the only one who knew about my feelings and the details of our relationship.

I immediately recognised that painful stare and anger that painted Yoongi's face right in this moment. In our relationship I found myself in countless moments like this where he was haunted by painful memories from the past fighting with ghosts from the past that didn't allow him to heal his scars. Because I loved him with all of my heart I understood him and I was always there to fight and piggyback all his demons. But doing this, slowly and steadily ,I was ripping myself to pieces. I needed a break from being a giver in our relationship. That's why I ran away. Maybe I was a coward that I left like that, without much explanation, one day I packed my bags and left. I just called Yoongi saying that I think that we would be better without each other. He just laughed and asked if this was a joke. My serious tone was convincing him that I wanted to end things. Three months have passed since then and even though we crossed paths he never asked me why I left like this. Seeing him eating dinner with different girls at the restaurants in Seoul was enough to convince me that he didn't care. No messages, no calls, not even a "Hello" when we crossed paths in public. It required just one call, one message, one single reason for him to give me just to come back to him. But no, of course he won't show weakness especially when I left like this. He knew damn well that he was torturing me with his stupid dates with trashy women that used him for money and fame. I was very taken aback when he talked to me at the last party that I organized. But now was a bit too late to sort things out, it was time to value me first. And it was clear that he hadn't changed a bit.

"How can we sort things out when we always end up fighting when we talk about feelings? Can't you see that when I talk and my views on our relationship don't coincide with yours, we end up fighting? When I say something it just seems to fuel the fire and we just throw unnecessary words to each other's face that we may regret later. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of these hurtful things that happen in my life right now. " At this point I felt the pain and the agony that washed over me. It took all my force to not cry in front of him. I decided that right now it's the time to go home and let my problems,pain and anger pour out as tears in my eyes. But not in front of him. If he still chooses to give me the cold shoulder and still refuses to show me his feelings,if there really are feelings for me inside of his cold soul, then I would become a stone hearted person whose happiness is no longer tied to Min Yoongi's.

His gaze softened a lot and his hands tried to brush the sides of my face as he bent down and the tip of his nose touched mine. God the power he holds on me terrifies me. If I'd been weaker ,right in this moment, he would have had me in his arms ,but thank God my mind was very alert of the danger I was putting myself into so I backed up.

"Stop playing games Yoongi and act like an adult not like a teenager. If you still want to talk like adults I assume that you still have my number, so text me when you're free."

After saying that, I got in the car and slammed the door as hard as I could.