If you've ever watched Heathers, you'll know for a fact that JD said, "Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling." I love that. Unfortunately, Jason was incorrect and blew up. Talk about dramatic. Chaos is not, in fact, what killed the dinos, but it was chaos that started the world with a bang.
I am not a Greek major (I'm pretty young, thanks for not asking, despite my gray hair), so I have no idea what Chaos is in Greek. It's probably like χάος or whatever, but don't pay attention to that.
Main point: Chaos is nothingness, and it created the universe as we know it. Also, to fully immerse oneself in mythology, one must be in sync with the flat-earthers. That's right; we don't revolve around the sun. We are on a flat disk with a point (somehow) with a god that is so hot he is literally a flaming ball of gas.
Chaos somehow is an asexual reproducer (thanks Everything You Need to Know to Ace Biology in One Big Fat Notebook) and birthed out Gaia. (Or Gaea but that sounds vaguely Roman, so stick with Greek for a hot sec) Gaia is our wonderful Mother Earth. (That's an important point later on.)
She got pretty lonely so she decided to pull a Chaos and birth out Uranus, the first sky god. (Haha Uranus came out of her anus—no stfu. I'm not in the mood for a stupid sixth grader.) Then, she got it on with Uranus. Cue Careless Whisper. Was he her son? Technically. Were they gods? Technically. (They're actually primordial beings) Does that make incest ok? Check the rule book. Ah, yes.
So, they started a happy family! Fun. Gaia, as Earth is, was really fertile and gave birth to twelve children. Eek! I hate little kids, so I can't imagine how much of that she had to deal with. Lucky for her, primordial beings grow up super fast. So, in the span of a day, they grew up! (They didn't move out though because college was not a thing yet, unfortunately)
Uranus decided to get the milk and practically skirted out of his marriage and incestuous products' lives. These not-so-little balls of greatness weren't just primordial beings now; they went by a cool teen name called Titans.
Gaia was pretty sad because it turns out she was pregnant with more kids! The next (two) batches of children were the Elder Cyclopes and the Hecatonkieres. (I probably spelled that wrong) Gaia loved her lil-uns as they say back in Tennessee, but Uranus hopped back into his children's lives and threw them away. Quite literally.
See, Gaia had done some asexual reproduction again (masturbation?) and had created Tartarus, which was like a primordial of the Underworld, except the Underworld wasn't really a thing yet. Who cares? Not I! Tartarus was also a pit of something, maybe an empty vacuum, so Uranus locked the Cyclopes and Hecatonkieres in Tartus, using some "sky chains."
Why, do you ask, did Uranus hate these kids more than the Titans? Well, the Titans were good-looking, which obviously makes up for everything else. Also, the Cyclopes (plural) only had one eye each, which dulled their appearance only slightly. The Hecatonkieres kind of had the opposite problem. They had fifty heads (and a hundred eyes) and a hundred arms (and a hundred hands).
Gaia was pretty pissed, to be honest. That only left one thing to do. Divorce—MURDER. Um, ok. So, she created a new weapon. Really, it was the only weapon. It would be called the scythe (or sickle because Greeks really make this hard for me, you know?)
Out of her twelve teen Titans, only one decided he was up for patricide. Please, ignore rule three. Just this once. My bad. Anyway...
The titan up for the job of castrating his father (puncturing his dad's balls) was named Kronos! (Kind of but not to be confused with Chronos but he's also called Cronus and Percy Jackson says that he's the same guy but like literally everyone in professional mythology says they're different...) Whatever. Kronos was the runt of the family, but he had spunk! Like a chihuahua!
So, he and his brothers were like, "Yo Dad, please come back with the milk." And Uranus was like, "Ok man, but your mom better not have had more children."
Then, they all grabbed Uranus, and Kronos got a little sickle-happy and chopped his dad up into itty-bitty pieces. Everyone was pretty fine with it though, and Gaia was so happy that she immediately fell asleep and wouldn't wake up for like centuries. Oh well.
Yay! That's the end of the (kinda) beginning of the world!
