Everyone was like, "Woohoo, we did it, yo!" after Kronos chopped Uranus up, except for Kronos. Why, you may ask? Well, somewhere, somehow, Kronos heard that if he ever had a kid, that kid would take over Kronos' newfound reign over whatever he was reigning over. Oh well. That's probably not important at all...
Well, everyone was partying and happy, and suddenly, they realized that Earth (the planet not the body of their mother) was uninhabited! That wouldn't do it, so the brothers started marrying their sisters. It's totally okay because they're gods. Please don't try this at home. Salmoneus tried being a god for gods know what reason, and that didn't go well. (A later story)
Kronos wanted to join in as well, so he chose a nice girl to overcome his bad-boy rep. Her name was Rhea, and she was kinda cute, he guessed. They got married but didn't have a honeymoon because, well, there weren't any places to honeymoon. It's ok though because Rhea still got pregnant!
Rhea was pretty happy, but her brother—sorry, husband—-wasn't so pleased. After all, he did have that terrible curse looming over his head...But Rhea gave birth anyway!
Great! Now Kronos was a girl-dad! I'm sure he loved that cute bumper sticker—-OH MY GODS WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN WHY ARE YOU EATING HER
Welp. He ate her. Apparently, that's the way to solve prophecies and curses...Rhea was pretty traumatized. But she named her daughter anyway. Hestia. Cool name. Not so cool welcoming her into the world by welcoming her into her dad's stomach. With that trauma, Rhea gave another go at the motherhood thing and gave birth to Demeter, who was another cutesy little baby girl—-NO KRONOS BABIES ARE FRIENDS NOT FOOD
Obviously, that didn't stick. Maybe he just didn't like girls. I mean, misogynist, but Rhea could go to couples' therapy so...another try? Baby number three: Hera. She was absolutely gorgeous, with ox-eyes and white arms and WHY IS THERE WHITE FOAM DRIPPING FROM YOUR MOUTH KRONOS BRO WE WENT OVER THIS YOU CAN'T EAT KIDS GO TO A MCDONALDS DUDE
Rhea tried for a boy. After all, what husband wouldn't want a handsome and manly son? Especially a macho like Kronos...but Rhea wouldn't be caught dead saying that of course.
"I think you're going to be Hades—"
"I think you're going to be DELICIOUS"
Rhea really needed to just leave her husband, but that wasn't an option back then so she just had another boy. She called him Poseidon. Kronos called him a burrito from Chipotle.
Five kids in, Rhea was tired of not having any kids make it out of one body without going into another immediately. So, she asked her mom for help. Gaia was still asleep, but she sleep-talked and told Rhea to go to a little island called Crete. There, Gaia gave her a few support systems, including a magic nanny goat called Amalthea and loud warrior-nymphs called Kouretes.
Rhea gave birth secretly to Zeus, her final son. Then, she wrapped a rock from Crete in nice baby clothes and gave it to Kronos. Kronos ate it without hesitation, and Rhea told him that she didn't want any more kids. Kronos was happy with that idea.
Amalthea nursed Zeus with ambrosia and nectar, the holy food and drink of the immortals. To drown out his baby crying, the Kouretes danced and banged rocks together. (The first percussionists in a rock band)
In the span of like a few days, Zeus was fully grown! Sweet. Rhea, like Gaia, wanted revenge against her deadbeat husband, so she told Zeus to go get 'em. Zeus went to Mount Othrys where all the other Titans lived, including the king of them all: Kronos.
Since Kronos was sure that he had eaten all his children, he didn't care about where Zeus came from. All of his and Rhea's siblings had kids, and those kids were starting to have kids, so who cared, right? That ended up being a fatal mistake.
At a dinner party on the mountain one night, Zeus spiked Kronos' nectar with mustard, which Metis (you need to remember her in a little while) gave him. As Kronos drank it, he felt really sick. (Who likes mustard anyway? I'd take ketchup any day.) Suddenly, he hurled! Vomited! Threw up! Upchucked! Heaved! Regurgitated! Puked! Retched! Spewed! Out came Poseidon! Hades! Hera! Demeter! Hestia! (They were all grown-up by now by the way) Fun fact: Kronos also threw up the rock, and it landed in Delphi. That's not really important except it was on a mythology exam, and I'm just pissed that I got it wrong.
Kronos was not happy, and Zeus told him reverse Darth Vader-style that Zeus was actually Kronos' son. Kronos probably realized that he was doomed, but all the Titans chased the "gods" (that was their new cool name) off the mount.
Then, Zeus started plotting with his siblings on a nearby mountain called Olympus. Cue epic boss music here. No? Just me? Aw, man. Why is everything so anticlimactic? Just wait...
