Previously on "Humans Exist Now":
"When Zeus gave the pithos to Pandora and Epimetheus, he told the happy couple to never open the pithos or else.
See, Epimetheus was completely fine with this. However, Pandora, since she had been gifted with the curse of curiosity, needed to open it. The suspense was literally killing her. So, she did what any reasonable person would do. She opened it. Guess what happened?
When she opened it..."
...terrible things spilled out of the pithos! What terrible things, you ask? Well, all the sins and miseries and horrors of mankind. Basically, anything that makes people, well, people. For example, the sins of envying, lying, deceiving, scolding, despairing, accusing, distrusting, aging, gossiping, scheming, drudging, slandering, etc. (Basically everything we as humans do.)
The Bible (pronunciation: Bib-Lay) also has these sins and stuff. You can find them as "The Seven Deadly Sins" or whatever those Christians have to say. They have Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Sloth, Lust, Wrath, and Pride. Yeah, Pandora released all of those. Nice.
Anyway, she shut the pithos after everything had come out. Or so she thought. In actuality, one little thing hadn't come out of the jar. It was Elpis (pronunciation: El-piss), or otherwise known as hope. As long as Elpis was in the pithos, it's said that humanity will still have hope inside of them so that we can overcome all the misery Pandora released. Eh.
Anyway, fast forward a bit, and after the grand opening of the jar, humankind has gone to shi—ruins. That's what I meant. Everyone was fighting with each other, and no one was sacrificing for the gods! Zeus was majorly pissed, and the other gods were too. They hated not being adored. So, Zeus and Poseidon schemed and had big-brain moments.
They were going to flood the earth! Great! Woohoo! All their problems would be solved! No more humans, and then the gods could just start over! I mean, the original humans were literally made of magic mud and shaped like the gods. It couldn't possibly be that hard to make a new race of them!
So, Zeus made it thunder and storm while small (technically big) bro Poseidon flooded the rest of the seas. Everyone was fighting through the water, and it was an absolute mess. Except not everyone was fighting.
See, during the past few chapters and stuff, Prometheus had somehow sired a son (a mortal son gods know how) named Deucalion. Deucalion was the kindest and purest mortal in the world, and his wife, Pyrrha, was only second to that. They sacrificed to the gods daily, and they loved each other. They loved everyone and treated people with respect.
Prometheus didn't want to lose his good son, so he warned him in a dream.
"Yo, Deucalion. My son, dude, get your girl and hide in a chest," Prometheus advised. "Hide out so that you can Pyrrha can live after the flood." Deucalion, being a daddy's boy (unlike Zeus), listened to his father's instructions and hid in a chest while the flood occurred.
He and Pyrrha did so well that Zeus thought about their goodness for a bit, and he decided they were pretty chill and cool. So, he was like, "Hey guys, let's save the human race," and everyone else was like, "Cool, bruh." So they decided to chill.
(Side note: Hmmmm...where in literature have we seen this before? Huh, let's go to the Bible (pronunciation: Bib-Lay) and look at Genesis. Oh my god(s)! Who is this handsome fellow? Why, it's Noah! And what did this handsome fellow named Noah do? Well, he built an ark! Why? Because there was a flood, and some god, who is apparently the "Father", told him to or else he wouldn't survive the flood? Hmmm... Must be a coincidence.)
Anyway, the flood ended. Woohoo! They survived! But when Deucalion and Pyrrha got out of the chest, they could see that the earth was barren! Oh my god(s)! Like, it's almost as if the flood had wiped out everything in existence except for them! Oh, wait...
"What are we supposed to do now? Live a peaceful existence? Bro, that sounds good for like thirty minutes. Then Imma be bored," Deucalion complained. The gods heard him, and they were like, "Actually I have an answer for you. You're gonna populate the earth!"
Now, Pyrrha and Deucalion were pretty excited because they could get it on—but then they realized they had to repopulate the earth, but, remember Rule One, they couldn't! Incest in mortals is bad! Plus they were pretty old at that point, and Pyrrha was pretty barren just like the earth.
Prometheus, loving his little human son, gave them a hint.
"Throw the bones of your mother behind you. Each bone that hits the ground will become a new person." Deucalion didn't understand his father. The bones of his mother? He was a mommy's boy, but he didn't carry his mom's corpse with him! Especially not in that crowded chest! So, he was pretty confused and decided that humankind would just die with him and Pyrrha. Then, his wife had a genius big-brain moment!
"Mother...MOTHER NATURE!" she screamed at Deucalion. Honestly, Deucalion thought she lost her mind, but then she elaborated and it was all good fam. "Our mother is Mother Nature! Gaia! Her bones are rocks!" Then, Pyrrha picked up a rock to prove her point and threw it behind her.
From the place where the rock hit the ground, the rock split into two pieces, and a brand new female popped up! It was pretty cool! They made a person without the pain of childbirth! Woohoo! Likewise, when Deucalion threw a rock behind him, a male popped out of the rock! Neat!
According to Ovid, that's why we haven't had such a deadly flood since! Not because God promised Noah that he would never do that again but because we're in the Stone Age! We're sturdier like rocks rather than mud, so we don't disintegrate like the original humans! Hooray!
(Post script: By the way, Pyrrha, as a name, in Greek means red. She was named "Red" because she was a redhead. Personally, I have no problem with redheads, but to you ginger-hating people, remember, a ginger made you. A ginger saved mankind. So be grateful for gingers. Also also, um, kinda, can you kinda ignore Rule One? Because Pyrrha was Epimetheus and Pandora's daughter, and she kinda married her cousin. But it's ok. Actually, add Rule Seven onto the Brief Rules and Tips for Overall Safety.
Rule Seven: Marrying your cousin is not incest. Marrying your father, mother, or direct sibling is incest. (In mortals)
Did you write it down? Ok, good. Remember that!)
