brutal | grayson hawthorne

intermission from the past

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Dear Reader by Taylor Swift
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"Aren't you cold?" Xander asks as he walks into the bowling alley, taking in the way Liz is lying on her back in the middle of a lane, long legs stretching over the gutter and into the next lane.

"I don't think I'm anything anymore," Liz slurs, brows furrowed, moving the bottle of alcohol to her other side so Xander can lie down next to her.

"What did Grayson and slash or Jameson do now?" Xander sounds amused. "Or maybe Avery?"

"I'm glad Emily died that night," Liz doesn't really answer him, not even really registering his words, just putting all her thoughts out there like nobody's business. "Y'know, when we were kids I thought she was so cool. She was so. . . nice. And then she just started being a bitch," Liz says, ever so eloquently.

"Hm," Xander listens quietly. He knows that Liz feels like it's her fault. Bex had told him everything, especially her own part in it, and Xander hates that he can't show all his friends that if they all blame themselves, maybe none of them are to blame.

"But I thought. . . I stupidly thought-" she practically spits the word out, "-that maybe, if her and I stayed friends, she wouldn't be such a bitch to my other friends, y'know? And y'know, she had her moments. Sometimes we would have some really deep heart-to-hearts. And maybe that's why I told her that Thea and Rebecca had been hooking up without telling her. Because she was still my best friend. And I felt guilty, and maybe I thought relieving myself of that secret would make me feel less guilty. Or maybe I was just trying to lighten the blow. Or maybe I just hate Thea. But I still shouldn't have done it. God, if I just hadn't done it-" drunk Liz's thoughts moved too fast for her own good.

"It's not your fault her heart gave out," Xander doesn't know how many times he's had to comfort someone with that statement.

"It's my fault she went to the cliffs that night."

"It's her own fault she would do something so reckless," Xander assures, always being the most emotionally inclined Hawthorne, knowing exactly what Liz needed to hear. "And she would never blame you for that. She loved you."

"She loved me until she realized what a horrible friend I was."

"You can't blame someone for being in love," Xander always knew too much for his own good.

"You can blame someone for lying about it," Liz doesn't know why she's so hell-bent on making herself feel so bad. Maybe it's the least she can do.

"Well, she didn't. Hate you I mean," Xander stands up suddenly, holding a hand out for Liz.

She tries grabbing the bottle while standing up, but she ends up just dropping it and shattering it across the floor.

"Shit," she mumbles, trying to clean it up, her vision blurry, her hand going directly into a shard of glass. "Shit."

"Okay, c'mon," Xander notices the bottle was empty anyway, Liz being drunker than both originally thought. "Let's get you a bandaid and some brownies."

Liz managed to stumble through Hawthorne House on Xander's arm, only running into Nash who thought her state was hilarious.

It was a different story when they walked into the kitchens and Mrs. Laughlin was there.

Liz burst into tears.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. L," she sobs, walking into the older woman's shoulder as she tries hugging her without getting blood on her.

"Oh!" Mrs. Laughlin, hugs Liz back immediately, not knowing what this is about but knowing she used to look at Liz as her own granddaughter.

"Ignore her," Xander tries playing off, cleaning Liz's hand while her arms are still around Mrs. Laughlin. "She's- um. . ." Xander doesn't know what to say without getting her in trouble.

"She smells like vodka," Mrs. Laughlin says matter-of-factly.

"Whaaaat?" Xander's voice gets high pitched, but both know he's smart enough to not say anything more.

"Emily shouldn't have died," Liz cries some more, her mind not really working properly to even know what she's saying let alone filter her words. "I'm a horrible friend."

"Oh, sweetheart," Mrs. Laughlin pats her back. "It wasn't your fault." Liz cries more. "Emily wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

Liz pauses at this. Sniffles. Pulls away. "Really?" She takes the back of her newly bandaged hand to wipe some of her tears.

"I just said that," Xander says as he somehow got to the other side of the kitchen where the brownies are.

Both Liz and Mrs. Laughlin turn to stare at him.

"I'm not here," he puts his hands up in mock surrender, grabbing another brownie before exiting the kitchen.

"Really?" Liz turns back to Mrs. Laughlin.

"Of course."

The woman might not know the extent of Liz's blame in the whole ordeal, but something about her words made it seem like they would be true even if Liz was the devil reincarnate herself.

"Brownie?"

a/n:
idk I feel Liz needed some closure (by Taylor Swift) before the next chapter 🤭 also a xander story when