Behind Classroom Doors III

CLXXXV- What If

Song- Adult by: Christian Leave

---------------------------------------

It took three days to finally contact Marin. He sent us a message, saying he would show up anywhere, anytime. I guess he doesn't have any plans on returning to Brookview anytime soon.

We settled on Friday, which is today. "I'm so nervous." I admit to my husband as I try to hide my shaking hands. He catches on and holds onto them. His thumb rubs over my skin repetitively. I'm still not loving his touch as of late but it calms me down in the slightest.

Shawn meets my eyes, "Me too, but it's only for an hour. Before you know it we'll be back at home with Matthew."

My anxiety starts to dissipate at his words, he always knows exactly what to say. "Matty, you ready?" I ask, letting go of Shawn's hands before he can let go of mine first. Matty was ready at nine am when he woke up this morning. I'm the one who pushed it off to later in the day.

"I've been readyyy." Matthew groans with impatience.

I chuckle and grab my keys off of the rack beside the door. There's no more putting this off or slowly getting ready until the last minute...it's now or never.

We make it down to the car in no time. Matthew gets himself buckled in the backseat while Shawn takes on the role of driver. The whole way there I'm watching Matthew in the rearview mirror. I know how excited he is, "it would be cool." He had told us. I couldn't feel less cool right now. In fact, I have to roll down the window to keep from sweating.

Shawn glances over at me a couple of times.

He doesn't know how to act around me lately. We're still together, but he's been trying to give me my space. I appreciate it more than he knows...but I can't lie that I miss him. I miss my family being a family again.

Instead it's been Shawn and I playing pretend for Matthew, meanwhile he's still sleeping on the couch. I want to forgive him for lying to me. Deep down I already have, but on the surface I can't stop thinking about him and Layla.

Did they use protection?

Was she better than me at sex?

I wouldn't be surprised, Shawn's the only man I've ever been with. He's all I've ever needed and he sought out something more. Then he lied to me about it for our entire marriage.

As if he could tell I was chasing dead ends in my head over him, Shawn reaches out to grab my hand. My first instinct is to pull away and I almost do. Then I remember Matthew is watching us, looking up to us.

I take his hand in mine.

A small sigh of relief escapes Shawn's lips. It was barely audible, but I paid attention to his body relaxing under my touch. This is the reaction we normally have for each other, but my brain won't stop working against my marriage. "We're here." Shawn tells Matthew more than me. But I appreciate the break from my thoughts.

I turn around to face Matthew, "Be on your best behavior, yeah?"

"I promise. Can we go now?" Matthew might be more excitable than normal, but he sure is adorable.

I unlock his door from the controls by my window. "Go ahead, but stay close."

Matthew barely lets me finish my sentence before he's gone. I laugh as I watch him run into the playground. "I don't see him." Shawn states, looking around the park. "What if he doesn't show?"

"Then we're in luck."

I unbuckle my seatbelt and get out of the car. Shawn joins me by the trunk to help me grab the snacks and water bottles we packed for today.