Ashes in the Heart (Editing)

John: The Proposal

I was beginning to think that something bad had happened that night at the amusement park, perhaps I had been very daring or I had gone too far, I could feel how Sebastian was avoiding me in a very poorly concealed way and, quite honestly, I was nervous. I didn't want to change his opinion of me or ruin whatever was going on between us, I found myself at a point of despair where I had to hit rock bottom and beg Bianca to give me his phone number so I could contact him. since it had been several days since I didn't go to work, but I didn't get an answer other than from his mailbox.

Over the days I was accepted that maybe I needed a little space because of some other situation you were going through, besides that that also calmed me down, but it annoyed me a lot that I was indifferent after what happened.

I kept staying at home with nothing to do, staring at the ceiling as much of my daily entertainment and avoiding the constant calls and messages John was leaving for me, I felt a little bad ignoring him like that but my mind had no room for his presence. I could only concoct theories and conspiracies about the possible mistakes that could have frightened Sebastian that night, I felt foolish in the face of so much uncertainty and the fact that he was not honest with me bothered me, I could simply say that I did not meet his expectations and now I heard what maybe he was bored, he just wanted to know something. Confessions like this did not sound so hurtful in my head and perhaps they would not really destroy me, I did not know the feeling of rejection or heartbreak even if my only experience in love had been when I was 15 years old and it had been fleeting.

On some gray days I used to hate myself for not having met some expectations in my life or for many personal failures but without a doubt what I hated the most about myself was the great gift I had of doubting everything, I was easily confused and underestimated the meaning of things. facts, it was a very bad disadvantage and although today was not a gray day I couldn't help but hate myself for being at this love crossroads, I hated how confused he made me feel, I hate how bad he made me feel, ¿because he simply didn't love me and already? Everything always had to be complicated with a Vuitton.

Not only did I have to deal with his fickleness, his lack of grace and his bad temper, but I also had to carry the weight of a dirty conscience from the memory of a passionate kiss.

Lost between the softness of his lips and the brushing of his hands on my body, I took the cell phone and stared at how it vibrated until it almost exploded due to the 200 calls from John that made me come back to reality and realize how bad I felt for not reciprocate

After what happened with Sebastián my feelings were completely clear and John was not in them, he was a very sweet person but my masochistic heart had chosen the wrong boy again and I wanted to stay with him even if it ended up killing me.

The chemistry I had with Vuitton didn't compare to the beautiful friendship I had with John and I couldn't continue with the love triangle while I knew how bad it was.

(...)

The week passed very sleepy for me, I could assure you that I was not depressed, but if I was a little more isolated than normal, I just wanted to drink cups of hot chocolate and watch marathons of my favorite series next to a soft and warm blanket, it was the only goal to meet that week.

One afternoon asleep in the armchair in the living room, I fell into a deep sleep where I could blurrily see how Sebastián's face settled next to mine, we were surrounded by many candles in the middle of a hot shower. His naked body posed on top of mine while he slowly kissed my neck, we were wet and a slight mist warmed the room more fervently embracing our skins. His kisses were exciting and his hands complicit in desire and passion.

I opened my eyes with fright when I felt a viscous cold going down my legs, a feeling of fear and disgust increased in my heart when I touched my pajamas and noticed the sticky liquid that had soaked into the chair, I looked at the clock due to a reflex impulse and it had been 5 hours since my eyes closed. I felt embarrassed even though no one was looking at me, it was the first time I had a wet dream and I didn't know how to feel about it.