Ashes in the Heart (Editing)

Bye Amy

"Life takes unexpected turns, from one second to the next, our destiny can be different from what we imagined. It is not worth speculating about the future, when we do not even know if there is going to be a tomorrow for us, perhaps today may be the last day, or perhaps not; but anyway, it's always good to enjoy each day as if it were the last, I guess that's the true meaning of life. Take advantage of every contact with what we love, take a deep breath, contemplate every little thing as if it were the first time we've seen it, marvel at each sunset, at each sunrise... "

—Amy Phillipe.

The days had become wonderful since the arrival of our little Ellie, she was growing surprisingly fast and it seemed that in the blink of an eye the weeks were slipping away from us. She was an amazing and wonderful girl who with every smile she brought out the best in all of us who always accompanied her. From the day she was born I decided not to take her away from me for a second after the big mistake I had made with Amy, the doctors had been very generous in moving the incubator to the room where Amy had been relocated. As good as the outlook seemed, the emergency C-section that had to be done on Amy caused her to lose a lot of blood and her condition had become more serious and delicate than before, so our chances of her waking up were even lower, however I never lost faith that something good could change from one day to the next. When Ellie's months of training were completed and we finally managed to get in touch with her, she never stopped being in the arms of Anna, Bianca, Dr. David, dear Rita who had recently joined the group and everyone else. hospital doctors, we all gave her enough love that her mother could give her and although many times her attention was lost on her mother's immobile body as if she really knew what was happening, she always behaved very well above all things.

It was incredibly confusing to feel happy hearing her laugh and feel her little hands squeezing my fingers, watching her sleep through nights just to make sure she was still breathing or no one took her away, noticing her sleepy-eyed little discreet smiles as soon as I heard my voice, but at the same time I felt that we were losing my Amy little by little. Just thinking that I would never wake up from this hopeless dream I was in and that I would never meet our little Ellie, and the fact that she would leave me, or rather, us, was breaking me.

In the saddest days I could always count on the support of Charlie and Anna who became much more than friends, they became the family that I could never have and who never left us even when they had their own problems, they were always the guardian angels of my two great loves, as was Rita, who was unconditional to the end with Dr. David and Bianca, who despite still loving me in secret, always maintained her composure.

As much as things seemed calmer, I continued to feel that fear and that concern deep down in my being, as if something was approaching, something that was not going to leave us happy and that was what did not allow me to detach myself from them, no matter how tired that the dream was for me was an unknown man who frequently visited us but his presence was of little importance to me, he had become a complete stranger since Amy entered this hospital. Of course, they wouldn't let me do the work alone and we used to take turns in pairs to take care of both, and although for others it might have been exhausting work for us, every night became a unique moment to remember, like Anna, who always when it was her turn, she would read a story to little Ellie or, like Rita, she would hum a lullaby music for the moments when she felt the lack of her mother's warmth and cried inconsolably. For some unknown reason, Amy always hummed that same song in the moments that she felt worried and that by some kind of magic they both managed to calm down. Maybe mine was not as different or special as what they did or like what the doctors did when they came to visit her, but I knew that my part was very important to her, I knew that every night when it was my turn to take care of them a very, He was looking forward to me, just to hear me speak to him as if his peace of mind depended on my voice and for me that was more than enough. To hold her in my arms was to feel a rain of colors and emotions that splashed over me, I couldn't even explain how it feels when you love something so much and finally have it, she was beautiful, the most beautiful asshole of all, the strongest asshole and miraculous that many came to know.

When you really realize the value and purpose of your life, you can see clearly how ungrateful and selfish you were all that way, you come to accept that receiving a reward as precious and valuable as the one I had earned was not the right thing, you could enjoy and tell your mind over and over again that it is the right thing but your heart still feels unworthy to receive it, perhaps the Sebastian of 2 years ago would not care about the slightest fact that someone else harvested the harvest I deserved it, but the new Sebastián understood that I had not worked hard enough to earn it, he only repeated to me that life might reward me for having taken my parents so cruelly.

Watching that little girl fast asleep in my arms while she squeezed my finger was the true meaning of that value and that purpose. I was never ready to have Amy in my life and I didn't feel ready when Ellie arrived but I will never regret it, it will never be a mistake but a battle won because even if life doesn't give you the opportunity to be ready or prepare it is there that you will see how strong you can really become. My path had not ended, because I still needed the biggest test that knew how to arrive at the moment where I was most recovered, 3 months had passed since the birth of our Ellie and perhaps for some unknown reason Amy decided to stop fighting and continue her way away from us. It had been hard not only for me but for everyone to decide to disconnect her and let her rest, because really everything had become even more complicated for her, but enough time had passed and we didn't want her to continue in that torment. It was a direct stab to the heart, but I can say that it hurt less to let her go than to continue enduring her and clinging to the pain, perhaps that chapter of my life would never have ended if it was of my own free will and I would have kept prisoner to all that past that Amy had been carrying since long before that coma. I cried enough when I saw the doctors with a trembling pulse to cover her with a white sheet and take her to another place that until now, we don't know.

I cried remembering our moments together and noticing the emptiness and cold she had left in the room after she had been taken away. I cried knowing that there was no turning back, but just as I cried, I received all the consolation I needed to see that only on the day we left that hospital completely free, carrying our Ellie in my arms, could I notice a sky as blue as the immensity of it, I felt the purer air than I remembered, something that comforted my soul in pain, even with all the pain I could clearly see the new path that awaited me with Ellie, I had never felt as safe and strong as in this new phase I lived In the end, not everything was dark and closed doors as it seemed at first, because after so many ups and downs, it was really all a matter of turning around to see that there was still a better path that awaited us. That day Amy was gone, but she had never been as happy as that morning, she could see her soul fly free accompanied by that smile that represented her so much. She was free at last, but not free as a person who paid a price, or someone who had discovered the truth about something, she was free as the soul that had always been imprisoned. Finally escaped from that cage that kept her unhappy, that limited her to human feelings, that tortured her with every thought, she was free as someone who had finally finished her work and could leave in peace...