Ghost of You ~ Spencer Reid

Ch. 11 | The Butterfly Effect

"I can't fight the feeling, and every night I feel it. Right now, I wish you were here with me."
- Right Now, One Direction

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September, 2004:

I was so nervous. I'd gotten ready nearly an hour early simply because I didn't know what to do with myself until he arrived. I pinned my hair up and waited, the leather of my couch soft under my legs as I twiddled with the gold ring around my finger anxiously. There was just one problem...I have no idea if this is actually a date. I want it to be so badly, but we hang out like this all the time. I'm worried I'll get the wrong impression and do something stupid. I talked to Penelope about it and she thinks it's a date, but I can't be too sure.

Then I heard the soft sound of a fist hitting my door from the outside, my thoughts now interrupted. I leaped from my position and flung the door open. He stood there with a dopey grin, clearly as nervous as I was.

"Hi," I breathed, stepping out into the hall.

"Hey," he replied, moving to scratch the back of his neck. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, let's do it," I said, locking my door. I then turned to face Spencer again and as I glanced at him he shoved his hands in his pockets.

As we walked, we made small talk. Just the typical work talk and Spencer ranting on passionately while I listened contently. Then finally we reached the steps of the library.

"Wow," I whispered. "I bet this place is huge."

"Around 8,000 square feet, nearly two acres, from what I've read," he deadpanned, smiling at me.

"Thanks for bringing me, Spencer," I smiled. I still couldn't tell throughout the walk if he thought this was a date. He always had a certain wall up I was never able to break down, and I felt like when he asked me to go to the opening it might be coming down. But I'd found that as we walked down that concrete, it didn't seem that way. So now, I've decided on a last attempt to determine what was going on between Spencer Reid and I. "You're such a great friend for inviting me."

"Yeah," he smiled. "Friend." My heart sank as he said the word in agreement, not even a semblance of denial in his statement. He then offered me his hand and we stepped up the concrete and into the complex building. I was upset, but I couldn't let it ruin the night. He could read me like a book typically, and he was kind enough to invite me as a friend, so I should treat it with mutual kindness and respect. As we were welcomed, we were informed of different craft station throughout the library to make the opening event more entertaining.  We talked as we walked, trying to take our time, admiring the floors of books that surrounded the grand hall.

Before long, we approached the behavioral sciences section, a table was set up nearby for an origami station.

"I've always wondered how to do origami," I thought aloud, picking up the contraption someone else had made; I think it was a Fox, but who could tell.

"Put the frog down, and I can show you," he shrugged, taking a seat at the table, picking up two pieces of paper for each of us.

"Frog?" I frowned, throwing the paper animal  back onto the table then settling next to Spencer as he almost too thoroughly explained each fold and crease.

"You know, origami is the Japanese art of paper folding. It came to Japan from Buddhist Monks," he began explaining as we finished up the paper in our hands. "Before the name "origami", which is derived from the Japanese words "oru" and "kami," the art was called "orikata" which means folded shapes," he said, laying down his creature on the table for my display.

"Is it...a butterfly?" I said, looking from his to mine. His was definitely a lot better.

"Yeah, I think there's something so peaceful, and innocent about butterflies," he replied, taking my butterfly from my hands, our finger grazing. As he talked he continued to fix my paper folds. "Butterflies are known to symbolize transformation, rebirth, hope, freedom, endurance and love. Although in European visual culture, they have represented the human soul for centuries."

He then passed me my butterfly, perfectly fixed. His slight touch brought my eyes back up to his.

"I think if I was to be reincarnated- that is, if I believed in reincarnation- that I would want to come back as a butterfly. It would be nice to be able to adapt to change in such a way that you can embrace it."

"That's beautiful," I smiled at him as we stood, folded butterflies in hand. "I don't know if I believe in reincarnation...but if I did I think coming back as a butterfly is pretty cool."

As we walked out of the building, chills ran up my spine. You could see foggy clouds of our breath as we spoke; It was surprisingly cold for it being late September. I wasn't gonna ask for his jacket. I wasn't gonna let him give it to me. Having something of his would tether us together, despite my heart being tethered to his already, I cannot handle having a reminder he does not feel the same. So we walk, not in silence, but in way different from than we have before; With walls up, and my feelings hidden.

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Spencer's POV:

I'd been standing outside her apartment door for far too long in that moment. I almost got her flowers, but ditched the idea when Morgan reminded me she could possibly not see this as I do: a date. I then fiddled with the cuffs of my sleeves and then my tie before knocking gently on the door. Only a few mere moments later, she swung it open, her beauty never ceasing to put me in a wordless state.

"Hi," She smiled, dimples creasing in the side of her cheeks.

"Hey," I replied. I prayed I did not look as nervous as I was. Morgan's simply told me to go for it with y/n, but I am not sure it is so simple. I've never been in a real relationship before, nor did I ever have a great example of one growing up. I will not have a clue of what I am doing, and I would hate to ever subject her to such pain as my consistent lack of social experience, despite my IQ of 187. "You ready to go?" I scratched my neck nervously.

"Yeah, let's do it," She smiled, locking her door. She then turned to walk beside me and that's how we remained for nearly the remainder of the night-side by side. That's how I intended for it to stay, but then a simple conversation about how large the library was quickly warped into something that made me want to scrawl into a hole.

"Thanks for bringing me, Spence. You're such a great friend for inviting me." My heart dropped from my chest to the pits of my stomach, the steady beating slowing significantly.

"Yeah," I grimaced. "Friend." I don't know why I didn't correct her, but my fear proceeds to hold me back. In addition she could simply not feel the same, and that's what she was implying. It feels so childish to worry about this crush the way I've done, but I've never felt this way for a person in my life. I mean, I have had meaningless adoration for people I had no chance with in my adolescence as all people do, but this has been different from everything I have ever known since the day I met her. I can rely on her and trust her more than I've ever felt I could for anyone.

The rest of the night proceeded peacefully. I educated her on the art of origami and we strolled throughout the large shelves of books. I couldn't help but get lost as I scanned the titles on each book spine. It was a fascinating collection, that I had to return to sometime when I was not so distracted. Finally the end of the night came and I dropped her back off at her apartment, with little words, not excluding a simple goodbye. I wish there would have been no words exchanged at all, instead I wish I would have kissed her. But I didn't do that. And we are just friends.

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