Ghost of You ~ Spencer Reid

Ch. 21 | Sweet Little Lies

"Are you death or Paradise?"
- No time to Die, Billie Eilish

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December, 2019:

I hadn't seen him in days. He was on temporary leave from the team until everything could be sorted out. We already knew that Cat had threatened his mothers life and my own, but did it give enough reason for him to be declared innocent?

I sighed, shuffling through my stack of paper work. I hadn't gotten much sleep recently, the purple hues dangling from my eyes were enough indication that I was exhausted. It felt like not matter how much coffee I drank or whatever I distracted myself with, I was exhausted.

"Y/n." My head snapped up as Emily beckoned me to her office. I stood up and trudged my way across the bullpen, getting sympathetic glances from my co-workers.

"Good luck," Luke called out to me with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes and replied, "thanks." As I walked into her office, she indicated to shut the door behind me. My butt sunk into the plush chair on the other side of her desk, and I could recall back to the first time I sat here. The office looks so different now.

Emily looked at me a moment, then smiled slightly. "Are you okay?" She asked, her voice laced with concern.

"I'm fine," I replied, but the second I opened my mouth I could feel myself begin to break. Silent tears coasted down my cheeks, diverting in every which way down my face. Emily gently passed me a tissue and I dabbed my face gently with a quiet laugh. "Sorry...I-uh...I don't know why I'm crying."

"Did you know I faked my death once?" She replied with a solemn smile.

"Yeah, but no one ever told me the details."

"Well, Spencer was pissed. Not at me though."

"What?"

"He was angry at JJ for lying to him for so long. And while I understand, his anger should've been directed at me if anyone. I'd kept so many secrets," she shook her head. "The point is. Spencer understands your anger, even if it's just partially."

"If he understands it then why would he do this to me in the first place."

"I can't be sure. That's something for you to ask him yourself." A beat. " why don't you take the day off? Get some much needed rest and relaxation?"

"That sounds good," I smiled, wiping the last of my tears as I stood. Emily stood with me then crossed to the other side of the desk. Her arms enveloped me in a hug, and I hugged back but cut it short, not wanting to start crying again.

"Thank you," I smiled, turning around from where I'd opened the door.

"Anytime," she smiled back, resuming her place behind her desk. I exited the building quietly after packing my things, saying a few goodbyes to my teammates.

Not long after I arrived home, I was met with nearly immediate boredom. I ultimately decided to step out and run some errands then head to my favorite library in town. As I walked up the concrete steps I noted how the sky matched nearly the exact same shade of grey. Walking into the building, the large wooden door shut behind me with a thunk. I smiled at the librarian stationed at the entrance then began my stroll through the large aisles filled with books. As I monitored each spine carefully within my favorite sections, I found myself gathering a rather interesting collection of books, including Crime and Punishment- a personal favorite of mine.

I turned the corner into the next aisle, but I didn't get too far. My breath hitched as I stopped in my tracks. The library was practically desolate of people. What are the odds that he of all people is here?

Maybe I could sneak away or manage a quick escape, but as I found myself lost in thought, he must of found himself noting my presence. When our eyes met, my brain finally relayed to my feet that it was time to start walking. I briskly walked towards the wooden entrance. If I couldn't feel him at my heels, then I would've noticed anyways from the echoing sound of his shoes. When I finally stepped outside I was met with a downpour as if the universe was crying with me. I stopped under the overhang of the building with a frustrated sign, the water just missing me. I would have to call a cab. Who knows how long that would take.

"Hey," he said, stepping out the doors behind me. "What was that?"

"Nothing." I mumbled, then turned to face forward staring towards the blur of cars that splashed by.

"Nothing? Y/n c'mon. You can't avoid me forever."

"I don't intend to," I frowned. He adjusted himself to stand beside me, shoulder to shoulder, almost close enough to touch. But we weren't. We stood there for a moment in silence, and I could feel his eyes raking me up and down.

"Do you not have an umbrella?" He asked through furrowed brows.

"No," I replied. "I was gonna call a cab."

"You live a block or two away from here, why waste the money?"

"I prefer not to be soaked, thank you very much," I snapped back then crossed my arms.

"Here," he said, extending his arm out, umbrella in hand. I stared a moment at him, perplexed by this act of kindness in the midst of this storm. I just shook my head. He must've thought I was saying no the umbrella, when in reality I was trying to shake the tears from my face for the second time that day. A part of me wishes we were standing in the rain so I could cry in peace.

"What if none of this happened? Where do you think we would be?" I asked, searching the sky for some sign the rain would cease.

"Im not sure," he shrugged. "There's no way to be truly certain...but I'd like to think we'd be married, with a couple kids maybe."

"That's nice."

"Yeah, it is." He sighed. "Do you think there's anyway we could still get there?"

"I don't know," I said finally making eye contact with him.

"I don't expect you not to be mad at me. I know it was wrong but I did it for us," he pleaded, his almost inconsiderate words making something snap inside me suddenly.

"You didn't do anything for us. You did it to us. To me!"

"No. No."

"Yes! How could this have all been for me? Cause I was so hurt at first when you were gone. I had to relearn how to live without you again." I looked away, back towards the streets. "And I did."

"Did you even miss me?"

"Every night before I fell asleep, I thought of you. You were my first thought in the morning. You were everyday for 15 years. I can't get you out of my mind."

That's what I wanted to say. But anger dances along my tongue. It's as if I almost want to subject him to the same cruelty as he has to me. So instead I said, "No." I then glanced up, our gazes finally reconnecting. "I hate you," I swallowed, a sense of false finality lingering in the words.

"Good." Was all he said. He then walked down the concrete steps, the rain soaking his tousled curls. A car pulled up and he got inside and it drove away.

He was long gone when I noticed he had left the umbrella with me.

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Chapter inspired by Aliza Grace