Chaotic

How love should be.

I'm still learning about love, here is what almost 5 years of being truly and deeply loved and loving for the first time has taught me. I know now, that love is not supposed to be grey, it is supposed to be green. Like the color of her eyes when she looks at me first thing in the morning. Like the smell of the rain after a downpour because I left the window cracked again. It is supposed to be soft, and even if sometimes I find myself pushed into the back of my mind once again on hold, I know she is there on the line ready to pick it up. I don't have to fold myself to her, because she displays me beautifully with pride for everyone to see. I know now that yes, sometimes love is so hard that your fists turn white holding on but you're never supposed to be gasping for air lost and alone in yourself because she will breath into me with a type patience and grace that I am so desperately trying to send back to her. She picks up the parts of me I thought everyone else left behind. And I know she finds me captivating. And I know she finds me beautiful. And I know I drive her crazy. But when she holds my wrists, it's always with a little rub of her thumb, when there is crimson in my mouth it is her who tastes the iron. She knows that I am still figuring out who I am on my own and she gives me the space to make mistakes and grow. She grounds me, like I am still the land except she is not the sea, she is the grass and the trees that allow all of the beautiful things to breath. And we work together to make the earth a place where we both can peacefully be. She loves me with patience and with a type of safeness I never thought I'd find. As we hold each other like deep tangled roots, it is not suffocating but it is healing. As she waters me and I feed her we grow together.
It was the sound of my own laughter I was missing. The laughter that shakes my chest when she says exactly what I need even on my darkest days. my own smile I never truly got to see. The smile I can't help but have when she asks me to sing her to sleep. My light, the light that dances in the sky because every star that's side by side is a picture of her and me. Our own light, our own energy, our own beings. That just seem so but brighter when they stand side by side. I don't feel a deep aching in my chest of need or of fear but a gentle flutter that reminds me she is every thing I could ever want. A reminder that I will pick her every second of everyday for as long as this life will let me and again in every life after.
I know now what love is supposed to be, it is supposed to be fun and secure, it is supposed to be fulfilling and unconditional. It is supposed to be complex and giving. It should not be draining or feel like a chore. It should feel natural and comforting. Like everything you've ever done has led up to this moment. Like everything you've ever felt was meant to teach you how to love this person in any way they deserve. Like you know deep down your energy was formed at the same time in the same place because even if you're completely different everything fits so well together. You don't need to mold the other person to fit what you need because they will be exactly that every day of the week. You don't need to change things about yourself because even though there are things that stick out of line up they complement her and you balance together, bouncing around in each others minds.
I am no longer content, I am free. I am happy. I am safe. And I am loved.