Chaotic

Not how love is supposed to be

Written in 2017-2018:
The thing about loving someone the way I love him is realizing that it is not always beautiful. No one ever told me that loving someone would hurt so much. No one told me that sometimes happiness was grey. No one told me there would be nights where I would cry myself to sleep and beg for the pain to stop. No one told me that I would be able to physically feel my heart desperately try to slow itself down and air in my lungs would burn. No one told me it would hurt this bad. Not because I thought he didn't love me just as much. Or I found him to be unfaithful. But Because watching someone with so much beauty lose themselves slowly is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Because god damn is he so beautiful.
This has very easily became my favorite word to use in regards to explain him.  Usually it is represented in a very feminine way. When I think of beauty I think of power.
The way a fire captivates my  energy. It pulls me in and fills me up.
The same way he does when he is  asleep. He lights his warmth directly into my soul and intensifies my senses.
The way the ocean tides clash against the earth. Gripping the world tightly while allowing me to breath on its own. He makes me feel so secure while allowing me to be my own.  I fell for it quickly. I allowed myself to fold into him like my bedsheets in a dryer. The way his eyes lit up so bright. And then I watched it start to dim like car lights when you leave them on too long. I desperately tried to hold on but like the sand it slowly fell through my hands and I was desperate. His smile. The smile I took for granted because I never thought I'd miss it. Became more of a memory than a part of my everyday life. And his laugh played in my mind so many times a day. To just remind myself that I can't forget the sound of it. His energy slowed and he got sick. I found myself feeling useless. Like nothing I could ever do would put the light back in him. I found myself lost. As I desperately tried to be everything he needed. And never really knowing of I was. I was drained. No one told me that loving someone so deeply meant that sometimes you have to put yourself on hold.  Like elevator music. I played in the background of my own mind and he sat in my spot. And I didn't care about me. Or how I felt or what I was thinking because that's what love is sometimes. It's being completely and utterly selfless and unconditionally supportive. Because love is not always 50/50 sometimes it is 80/20. And even if you desperately want a break to be that 20 you have to be willing to put the energy that the other can not provide or else it won't be 100. And no one told me it would be worth it. No one told me that the best feeling in the world would be listening to his heart beat or playing with his fingers.  Or sitting in his company would feel so filling. Even when I'm mad or upset or don't know what I'm feeling. No one ever told me that loving him would be everything I ever wanted and more. No one told me that love isn't like movies. Or that no love is ever the same.  I was never taught how to love. Or how to hurt. I was never told how hard it would be to be dependent on him or that I would have to be independent while doing it. No one told me that being in love is so much more than just love.  And no one ever told me the true meaning of beauty or how to appreciate it. But it just feels right when I look at him. And I can only ever hope I make his heart race the same way. That everytime he sees me he can't help but smile. I can only hope that he loves me with the same amount of energy. I can only hope that I am everything he wants and everything he needs. And that he might find me just as beautiful as I do him.