Inbetween

No longer Manic.

I have recognized that I was lying to myself about my mental health and how okay I was with myself. I think I have been living in a dissociative state/ lying to myself saying that I was okay when I really wasn't. I don't think my depression ever really went away, I think I just got sick of living with it; I was telling myself that I was okay because I no longer wanted to feel that way. I feel like that's why I lied about a lot of things and why I lied about my experiences growing up because it was the closest thing I could say about how I was actually feeling. I hate feeling depressed. I hated that however, I recognized the fact that I just need to allow myself to feel. I think since I was lying to myself for so long that I just couldn't hold up the facade anymore. Feeling this way has been really fucking shitty because I don't want to feel this way at all. I just want to be happy and be okay with myself but the thing is I'm really not okay with myself. I love to say that I am and it's a total lie. Allowing myself to feel my depression is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. I really don't want to this shit almost broke me.

I barely survived it last time, when my therapist asked me if I could remember another time that my head and my body were connected. The last time I ever felt that way it was when I was suicidal; I no longer want to feel that way. I was never going to kill myself, i came very close though. The pain i am feeling is from unresolved trauma from when i was a kid. However recognizing this, has been proven hard. I have blocked out a lot of my shit. I wanted to feel so okay and didn't want to keep telling myself that im okay. I can't keep lying to myself and others. I need to work through this and not being able to smoke weed and commuiate with myself. Will also be just as hard, i hate the fact rhat i didnt see this lie earlier.

When was the last time your head and body were connected?

When I reconized the fact that i was lying to myself and that rocked my whole world. Thats when i realized my depression never left. I was still very much depressed and i know that i dont want to feel this way. So i told myself i was okay and never actually was.

I definitely know why i am this way~ im this way because my parents werent there enough emotionally and weren't really there physically either. I know that I treat my partners with everything they needed from me yet i was never truly in the relationship emotionally. My most recent relationship with cj was the first eye opener then i met this guy whos name will be left out.

He rocked my whole world and i let so many of my walls down for. Only to be burned my own actions and my bad habit of lying to myself. This blew my mind and i asked the world for an reality check and i met him. He had his own flaws and this was a lot for the both of us. It wasnt our time, people come in your life to teach lessons and to aid in your growth. Not all of them stay and i need to see thats okay too. Learning to love myself when im 100% alone is gonna be hard, i need to work on a lot but baby steps are still movement to the bigger goal. Progress is never linear, i know i need to allow myself to feel my depression but i know i don't want to because it almost swallowed me last time. Allowing myself to grow is gonna be very hard but i need to know who i am and what i want.

This is gonna be hard and i think i was a little manic when i dropped more then half my friends but i was lying to them too. This all started with the fact i couldn't keep up. Liars never make it to the top nor ever truly love themselves.

it is 100% okay to be depressed again, you must learn to live with the lows too. Not everything can be at a high. Its okay to hate yourself sometimes.